Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Overcoming Adversity
Every one of us has suffered adversity and each one of us is likely suffering some kind adversity today, right now. Adversity is the trouble, weakness, difficulty, pain, sorrow and opposition that we face in this life, for, as Father Lehi said, “there must needs be an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11).
Adversity comes in many forms. It can come to us in the form of a serious illness. It can come in the shape of a lost job, the death of a loved one, or the apostasy of one dear to us. It may appear as a stubborn addiction, a sullen attitude, or an oft repeated sin. Adversity can appear in human form: as a boss, employee, or coworker, a neighbor, a classmate, a friend or erstwhile friend, a parent or child or a spouse. And, self-deceived and locked in pride, we ourselves can be our own adversity.
You can probably identify the three main sources of adversity:
And how about the sorrow and suffering we carry due to the hurtful choices of others, many of which the offending party hardly understands or is hardly aware?
We live on a dying planet that hosts a myriad of “thorns…and thistles” (Genesis 3:18), ills and sorrows. And though we don’t remember, we signed up for all of this.
Though we are reluctant to admit that there are blessings that come from our afflictions, it is true, nevertheless, that adversity is one of our best and dearest friends. It is a vital teacher and an indispensable guide. It helps us overcome the blunting distractions that deceive us, and helps us rediscover the real reason why we are here on earth. Adversity provides a priceless education that we cannot obtain in any other way, for any other price.
Think of your favorite sport, and think what it would be like to watch that sport if the opposing team did not put up any opposition. Would that sport be interesting to watch? Not at all. If there were no challenge in sports, no opposition or no competition, there would be no one to watch them and a world-wide, multi-billion industry would die. Overcoming opposition is one of the greatest, most entertaining, most interesting, and most fulfilling opportunities of our lives. Each of us, like it or not, must be hammered and shaped on the “anvil of adversity,” as President Hinckley once said of the pioneers.
Lehi also said, “Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.” (2 Nephi 2:2.) How will the Lord consecrate our affliction for our gain?
An important question we might ask is not, “How can I completely avoid adversity?”—which would be impossible and make for a boring, unchallenged life—but rather, “How should I handle trials and afflictions when they come my way?”
John Taylor, who was the President of the Church from 1880 until 1887, was a man of great faith and had an impressive attitude in the face of misfortune. Here is a story from the writings of B. H. Roberts which tells of President Taylor’s unusual tack on financial problems.
“While preaching the gospel ‘without purse or scrip,’ … John Taylor left it up to the Lord to manage his money matters, saying, ‘I would rather put my trust in the Lord than in any of the kings of the earth’ (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 71).
“When he arrived in New York City, [on his way to] England, he had only one penny in his pocket. Still, he did not plead poverty. When asked about his financial status, he said he had ‘plenty of money.’
“One day Parley P. Pratt approached him, ‘Brother Taylor, I hear you have plenty of money?’ … ‘Yes, Brother Pratt, that’s true.’ ‘Well, I am about to publish my “Voice of Warning” and “[Millennial] Poems,” I am very much in need of money, and if you could furnish me two or three hundred dollars I should be very much obliged.’ … ‘Then [Brother Taylor said], you are welcome to all I have.’
“And putting his hand into his pocket Elder Taylor gave him his copper cent. A laugh followed.
“‘But I thought you gave it out that you had plenty of money,’ said Parley.
“‘Yes, and so I have,’ replied Elder Taylor. ‘I am well clothed, [furnished with] plenty to eat and drink and good lodging; with all these things and a penny over, as I owe nothing, is that not plenty?’” (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 72–73).” (From The Presidents of the Church Teacher’s Manual, Lesson 12: John Taylor—Man of Faith.)
It is easy to have a uncultivated, hermetic attitude; it takes faith, courage and moral strength to have a positive, hopeful attitude—and to be able to laugh at your situation.
We make a mistake when we adopt an attitude that our obedience to God’s commandment entitles us from protection from all the woes of life, that we should not be forced off our velvet cushion, so to speak. There are promised blessings associated with obedience to law, but no exemptions. Those blessings are “irrevocably decreed” (see D&C 130:20,21), but God in His wisdom will grant them to us in His own way and in His own time. As we read in Hebrews, after we are “illuminated,” we will endure “a great fight of afflictions” (Hebrews 10:32).
Like a bird breaking out of its shell or a butterfly from its cocoon, without the struggle and effort that is necessary to break free, they, like us, cannot thrive in this world, let alone survive.
Think of adversity as resistance training for the eternities.
Once when George A. Smith, cousin of Joseph Smith, was very ill, he was visited by the Prophet. George later reported: “[Joseph] told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I were sunk into the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged, but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I should come out on the top of the heap.” (George A. Smith Family, comp. Zora Smith Jarvis, Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1962, 54.)
What about those times when your trials and problems just go on and on and on? What do you do then?
“There are times,” President Ezra Taft Benson said, “when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil...” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Do Not Despair,” Ensign, Nov. 1974.) He also said: “Every man eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there he must make his stand.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Book of Mormon Is the Word of God,” Ensign, Jan. 1988.)
At times all you have left is your will and determination to endure whatever comes. Now is the time to decide that you will hang on with your faith no matter what comes—no matter what—for this is the great test of life.
Remember that “the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19.)
Failure is an important part of success. We cannot get where we need to go without stumbling over failure on our way. The sooner we accept failure as an important part of life, and thaw the glacier of fear that entombs us, the sooner we will find the success we came here to find.
I recently read an article about a company that created a “Failure Wall” in an effort to create an atmosphere in the company where it was acceptable to fail without fear. One evening an executive, his wife and an assistant stenciled dozens of quotes about failure on a wall in a corporate office, quotes like this one from Winston Churchill:
What would you write on that wall?
We often view our failures and mistakes as great adversity, but what if we saw each failure as a gift, each misstep, a prize? Jeff Stibel, the author of the article I read, went on to say:
Alma and his faithful people who escaped the grasp of the wicked King Noah, his priests and armies, later found themselves in bondage to a clan of Lamanites who were led by Amulon, one of Noah’s unholy henchmen. Even though they were baptized and lived the laws of God with integrity, they were still brought under slavery and bondage. It was not until after they completely humbled themselves before the Lord that He said:
They poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God. (Mosiah 24:21.)
Don’t look down in shame, brothers and sisters, or look for others to blame, but look up. Look up, for the Lord “will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your” misfortune (Jacob 3:1.)
Recognize that all around us, people are having a really hard time, a really hard time. The pain is often hidden from sight, but adversity is there, present in everyone’s life. Imagine how important and how desperately needed are your words of encouragement, praise, love or consolation.
I bear testimony that what I have said is true. Since adversity is our companion, we may as well make it our friend. Remember, the scriptures say “after much tribulation come the blessings.” (D&C 58:4.) And as the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions, shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 122:7–8.)
We can be grateful for our trials. Adversity helps us to loosen a white-knuckled grip on the things of this world, to turn our eyes upward, and our hearts outward. Adversity helps replace our judgment with understanding, our fear with confidence. It teaches us to decorate and recreate less, and to consecrate and dedicate more, to buy less and give more, to reach out a helping hand, to let go, to become, not bitter, but better.
Christ is our example. He suffered adversity beyond what any mortal could suffer, and yet He did so without murmuring or selfishness, without ever charging God with folly. He submitted His will to the Father, always keeping His eyes fixed on eternity and the heavens.
As Isaiah wrote, “Thou [Lord] wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3.) May we trust Him, no matter where our trials and adversity may lead us.
Adversity comes in many forms. It can come to us in the form of a serious illness. It can come in the shape of a lost job, the death of a loved one, or the apostasy of one dear to us. It may appear as a stubborn addiction, a sullen attitude, or an oft repeated sin. Adversity can appear in human form: as a boss, employee, or coworker, a neighbor, a classmate, a friend or erstwhile friend, a parent or child or a spouse. And, self-deceived and locked in pride, we ourselves can be our own adversity.
You can probably identify the three main sources of adversity:
- The adversity that comes as a result of our own choices
- The adversity that comes from the choices of others
- The adversity that comes as a consequence of living in a fallen world
And how about the sorrow and suffering we carry due to the hurtful choices of others, many of which the offending party hardly understands or is hardly aware?
We live on a dying planet that hosts a myriad of “thorns…and thistles” (Genesis 3:18), ills and sorrows. And though we don’t remember, we signed up for all of this.
Though we are reluctant to admit that there are blessings that come from our afflictions, it is true, nevertheless, that adversity is one of our best and dearest friends. It is a vital teacher and an indispensable guide. It helps us overcome the blunting distractions that deceive us, and helps us rediscover the real reason why we are here on earth. Adversity provides a priceless education that we cannot obtain in any other way, for any other price.
Think of your favorite sport, and think what it would be like to watch that sport if the opposing team did not put up any opposition. Would that sport be interesting to watch? Not at all. If there were no challenge in sports, no opposition or no competition, there would be no one to watch them and a world-wide, multi-billion industry would die. Overcoming opposition is one of the greatest, most entertaining, most interesting, and most fulfilling opportunities of our lives. Each of us, like it or not, must be hammered and shaped on the “anvil of adversity,” as President Hinckley once said of the pioneers.
Lehi also said, “Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.” (2 Nephi 2:2.) How will the Lord consecrate our affliction for our gain?
An important question we might ask is not, “How can I completely avoid adversity?”—which would be impossible and make for a boring, unchallenged life—but rather, “How should I handle trials and afflictions when they come my way?”
John Taylor, who was the President of the Church from 1880 until 1887, was a man of great faith and had an impressive attitude in the face of misfortune. Here is a story from the writings of B. H. Roberts which tells of President Taylor’s unusual tack on financial problems.
“While preaching the gospel ‘without purse or scrip,’ … John Taylor left it up to the Lord to manage his money matters, saying, ‘I would rather put my trust in the Lord than in any of the kings of the earth’ (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 71).
“When he arrived in New York City, [on his way to] England, he had only one penny in his pocket. Still, he did not plead poverty. When asked about his financial status, he said he had ‘plenty of money.’
“One day Parley P. Pratt approached him, ‘Brother Taylor, I hear you have plenty of money?’ … ‘Yes, Brother Pratt, that’s true.’ ‘Well, I am about to publish my “Voice of Warning” and “[Millennial] Poems,” I am very much in need of money, and if you could furnish me two or three hundred dollars I should be very much obliged.’ … ‘Then [Brother Taylor said], you are welcome to all I have.’
“And putting his hand into his pocket Elder Taylor gave him his copper cent. A laugh followed.
“‘But I thought you gave it out that you had plenty of money,’ said Parley.
“‘Yes, and so I have,’ replied Elder Taylor. ‘I am well clothed, [furnished with] plenty to eat and drink and good lodging; with all these things and a penny over, as I owe nothing, is that not plenty?’” (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 72–73).” (From The Presidents of the Church Teacher’s Manual, Lesson 12: John Taylor—Man of Faith.)
It is easy to have a uncultivated, hermetic attitude; it takes faith, courage and moral strength to have a positive, hopeful attitude—and to be able to laugh at your situation.
We make a mistake when we adopt an attitude that our obedience to God’s commandment entitles us from protection from all the woes of life, that we should not be forced off our velvet cushion, so to speak. There are promised blessings associated with obedience to law, but no exemptions. Those blessings are “irrevocably decreed” (see D&C 130:20,21), but God in His wisdom will grant them to us in His own way and in His own time. As we read in Hebrews, after we are “illuminated,” we will endure “a great fight of afflictions” (Hebrews 10:32).
Like a bird breaking out of its shell or a butterfly from its cocoon, without the struggle and effort that is necessary to break free, they, like us, cannot thrive in this world, let alone survive.
Think of adversity as resistance training for the eternities.
Once when George A. Smith, cousin of Joseph Smith, was very ill, he was visited by the Prophet. George later reported: “[Joseph] told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I were sunk into the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged, but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I should come out on the top of the heap.” (George A. Smith Family, comp. Zora Smith Jarvis, Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1962, 54.)
What about those times when your trials and problems just go on and on and on? What do you do then?
“There are times,” President Ezra Taft Benson said, “when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil...” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Do Not Despair,” Ensign, Nov. 1974.) He also said: “Every man eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there he must make his stand.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Book of Mormon Is the Word of God,” Ensign, Jan. 1988.)
At times all you have left is your will and determination to endure whatever comes. Now is the time to decide that you will hang on with your faith no matter what comes—no matter what—for this is the great test of life.
Remember that “the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19.)
Failure is an important part of success. We cannot get where we need to go without stumbling over failure on our way. The sooner we accept failure as an important part of life, and thaw the glacier of fear that entombs us, the sooner we will find the success we came here to find.
I recently read an article about a company that created a “Failure Wall” in an effort to create an atmosphere in the company where it was acceptable to fail without fear. One evening an executive, his wife and an assistant stenciled dozens of quotes about failure on a wall in a corporate office, quotes like this one from Winston Churchill:
“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”Then they posted “these simple instructions: (1) describe a time when you failed, (2) state what you learned, and (3) sign your name.” The business leader followed his own instructions and wrote three failures of his own, then provided permanent markers so the employees could write on the wall themselves.
What would you write on that wall?
We often view our failures and mistakes as great adversity, but what if we saw each failure as a gift, each misstep, a prize? Jeff Stibel, the author of the article I read, went on to say:
In the beginning, the wall was met with surprise, curiosity and a bit of trepidation. We didn't ask anyone to contribute and we didn't tell people why it was there, but the wall quickly filled up. …I've said this before but it bears repeating: success by failure is not an oxymoron. When you make a mistake, you're forced to look back and find out exactly where you went wrong, and formulate a new plan for your next attempt…We don't just encourage risk taking at our offices: we demand failure. If you're not failing every now and then, you're probably not advancing. Mistakes are the predecessors to… success….
Alma and his faithful people who escaped the grasp of the wicked King Noah, his priests and armies, later found themselves in bondage to a clan of Lamanites who were led by Amulon, one of Noah’s unholy henchmen. Even though they were baptized and lived the laws of God with integrity, they were still brought under slavery and bondage. It was not until after they completely humbled themselves before the Lord that He said:
Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for…I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs…and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.
And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. (Mosiah 24:13–15.)Later when their captors were cast into a deep sleep, Alma and his people were able to escape from captivity, after which:
They poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God. (Mosiah 24:21.)
Don’t look down in shame, brothers and sisters, or look for others to blame, but look up. Look up, for the Lord “will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your” misfortune (Jacob 3:1.)
Recognize that all around us, people are having a really hard time, a really hard time. The pain is often hidden from sight, but adversity is there, present in everyone’s life. Imagine how important and how desperately needed are your words of encouragement, praise, love or consolation.
I bear testimony that what I have said is true. Since adversity is our companion, we may as well make it our friend. Remember, the scriptures say “after much tribulation come the blessings.” (D&C 58:4.) And as the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions, shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 122:7–8.)
We can be grateful for our trials. Adversity helps us to loosen a white-knuckled grip on the things of this world, to turn our eyes upward, and our hearts outward. Adversity helps replace our judgment with understanding, our fear with confidence. It teaches us to decorate and recreate less, and to consecrate and dedicate more, to buy less and give more, to reach out a helping hand, to let go, to become, not bitter, but better.
Christ is our example. He suffered adversity beyond what any mortal could suffer, and yet He did so without murmuring or selfishness, without ever charging God with folly. He submitted His will to the Father, always keeping His eyes fixed on eternity and the heavens.
As Isaiah wrote, “Thou [Lord] wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3.) May we trust Him, no matter where our trials and adversity may lead us.
—A talk given on January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Waiting for the Call Part 2
My brother died yesterday afternoon. I was amazed at how long he lived after his doctor thought he had days or maybe a week to live. He was super tough.
On Thursday at work, I kept thinking about him over and over. It came to me fiercely that I had one more chance to see him alive.
After work, I booked a flight and took the bus to the airport. I keep an emergency bag in my desk at work, so I have the essentials with me—toothbrush, razor, a pair of socks, a pair of unmentionables, and a few other things. In a little over two hours, I was on a non-stop flight to LAX.
I finally arrived at my brother's side a little before 10 that night, I think. He responded almost imperceptibly, but I know he knew I was there. I spoke to him for something close to a half and hour. I talked to him about all kinds of things. I spoke to him quietly.
I stayed late talking to Mark's saintly fiancée. I mean that. I don't know anyone who could have done for my brother what she did. It was amazing. I am so grateful.
She has a beautiful engagement ring on her left hand, but my brother got too sick before their plans could gel, and they were not able to have the ceremony. I believe in my heart that their love is eternal and that they will be together again in the next life. I believe that all our losses will be made up in the resurrection.
I got to bed in my Priceline hotel room after 2:00 AM.
I was able to see him again yesterday morning, but only briefly. He was barely breathing. I knew he would be gone that day. I kissed him and bid him a tender farewell.
I believe my brother was greeted by loved ones and ushered free at last to his true home. He was a kind, gentle, honest soul, good through and through.
Today is a day of a thousand memories, a thousand hopes.
God be with you until we meet again.
On Thursday at work, I kept thinking about him over and over. It came to me fiercely that I had one more chance to see him alive.
After work, I booked a flight and took the bus to the airport. I keep an emergency bag in my desk at work, so I have the essentials with me—toothbrush, razor, a pair of socks, a pair of unmentionables, and a few other things. In a little over two hours, I was on a non-stop flight to LAX.
I finally arrived at my brother's side a little before 10 that night, I think. He responded almost imperceptibly, but I know he knew I was there. I spoke to him for something close to a half and hour. I talked to him about all kinds of things. I spoke to him quietly.
I stayed late talking to Mark's saintly fiancée. I mean that. I don't know anyone who could have done for my brother what she did. It was amazing. I am so grateful.
She has a beautiful engagement ring on her left hand, but my brother got too sick before their plans could gel, and they were not able to have the ceremony. I believe in my heart that their love is eternal and that they will be together again in the next life. I believe that all our losses will be made up in the resurrection.
I got to bed in my Priceline hotel room after 2:00 AM.
I was able to see him again yesterday morning, but only briefly. He was barely breathing. I knew he would be gone that day. I kissed him and bid him a tender farewell.
I believe my brother was greeted by loved ones and ushered free at last to his true home. He was a kind, gentle, honest soul, good through and through.
Today is a day of a thousand memories, a thousand hopes.
God be with you until we meet again.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Waiting for the Call
I found out a few days before Christmas that my brother is in hospice. He has cancer, which largely has been in remission, but other complications have arisen, and it's not looking good. He is only 56 years old.
I was able to fly down to see him. He was not able to talk, but you could tell he was trying to because he moved his lips. He was able to respond by moving his eyebrows, a hand or a foot. Once when my sister was talking to him, he was able to open one eye.
I can tell he is at great peace. I felt a holy presence when I was near him, a presence of angels. I have felt that presence before when I have been with people near their time.
I am so grateful that I had a chance to see him and talk to him, to tell him that I loved him and that he was a great brother. I know many people miss that opportunity.
I was talking with a friend yesterday who told me that he was able to reach his father's side minutes before he died, though his father lived several states away. He woke up one morning and knew he had to go. I see those promptings as tender mercies from the Lord.
My brother's fiancée is caring for him, along with round-the-clock hospice staff. Rarely have I seen such devotion in a person. He is loved unconditionally by her. It is such a comfort to know that he is in such wonderful hands. Who could ask for any greater gift, especially at a time like this?
Of course, I am rummaging through my regrets. So many things that I could have said and done, sooner, but did not. I wish I could be closer to him now.
So I wait for the call. The dreaded call. But part of me believes he can rally, hope against hope. It would not surprise me, especially given the love that surrounds him now.
I believe, however, that when a person is appointed unto death, there are no miracles forthcoming. Or maybe there are. I have to remind myself that most miracles are beyond my imagination, beyond what I can see in time and space.
So I wait. And pray.
I was able to fly down to see him. He was not able to talk, but you could tell he was trying to because he moved his lips. He was able to respond by moving his eyebrows, a hand or a foot. Once when my sister was talking to him, he was able to open one eye.
I can tell he is at great peace. I felt a holy presence when I was near him, a presence of angels. I have felt that presence before when I have been with people near their time.
I am so grateful that I had a chance to see him and talk to him, to tell him that I loved him and that he was a great brother. I know many people miss that opportunity.
I was talking with a friend yesterday who told me that he was able to reach his father's side minutes before he died, though his father lived several states away. He woke up one morning and knew he had to go. I see those promptings as tender mercies from the Lord.
My brother's fiancée is caring for him, along with round-the-clock hospice staff. Rarely have I seen such devotion in a person. He is loved unconditionally by her. It is such a comfort to know that he is in such wonderful hands. Who could ask for any greater gift, especially at a time like this?
Of course, I am rummaging through my regrets. So many things that I could have said and done, sooner, but did not. I wish I could be closer to him now.
So I wait for the call. The dreaded call. But part of me believes he can rally, hope against hope. It would not surprise me, especially given the love that surrounds him now.
I believe, however, that when a person is appointed unto death, there are no miracles forthcoming. Or maybe there are. I have to remind myself that most miracles are beyond my imagination, beyond what I can see in time and space.
So I wait. And pray.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Winter Wake
For Mark
Winter rouses aching memories.
A jeweled evergreen sprouting
in our living room.
Stars so brightly blinding
the earth becomes insensible.
Strangers to who we once were,
our childhood emptied of every wonder
except One.
The redness of dying fingers,
fighting in the snow to stay alive.
I cannot sleep through this cold.
Winter rouses aching memories.
A jeweled evergreen sprouting
in our living room.
Stars so brightly blinding
the earth becomes insensible.
Strangers to who we once were,
our childhood emptied of every wonder
except One.
The redness of dying fingers,
fighting in the snow to stay alive.
I cannot sleep through this cold.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
What My Mother-in-Law Taught Me about Love
Years ago, my mother-in-law asked me a question about love which I have never forgotten. She asked this:
What do you think?
I have thought about that question for many years, and I have come to the conclusion that love is possible in any situation where a couple offers respectful attention to each other.
Have you ever said to yourself, "Wow, how did those two get together?" Or, "What do those two see in each other?" I think it's because the "desert island" principle can apply to any relationship.
To me, respect is the doorway to love, and respect opens the way to trust which is the foundation of love.
On a desert island, you would be forced to focus and give your attention to just that one person. (Well, you could choose to ignore that person, but you likely would not.) And as you gave attention, if you wanted a desirable response, you would have to offer your positive, respectful attention, and then the thousands of daily, even hourly negotiations you must make with another person in order for your relationship to work.
My point is—and I think my mother-in-law's point was—in marriage, we are essentially on a desert island together, and if we choose to give this respectful attention to each other, the kind that builds trust, love will grow, no matter how different we are, no matter how different we see the world.
Some of you may feel shipwrecked, marooned on that desert island, and that there is no escape from your bad relationship. But I look at it differently, the result from what I have seen in hundreds of marriages over many years.
First, love is a choice, not an accident.
We talk of "falling of love" and I do believe in that magical part of love that we all experience and that comes from romance. But more than that, I believe that love is the result of how we choose to treat another person. If we treat them with kindness and true respect, if we serve them from our hearts, and give them our earnest attention, we will love them and that love will grow stronger and stronger and stronger. Even if we are vastly different from that person. Even is we have in the past been disappointed by that person, or even heart broken by their choices, we can love them again.
Second, if love is a choice, we can choose to love the same person again and again.
Even if we have fallen into stinky little patterns of disrespect and distraction in our relationships, even if we have allowed our hearts to grow cold, we can choose again. And again and again. And if we choose to show respect and offer service, love will grow again.
I am not saying you can always trust again. There are some situations where trust is absolutely broken and is impossible to rebuild in this life. But I tend to be optimistic and to believe that trust can be rebuilt in most situations, even where transgression is involved. But again, that is a choice.
If your love has waxed cold, you can love your spouse again, if you choose to, even if that spouse has made mistakes, perhaps big ones. It is your choice, and no one else can choose for you. But I will say that, over the years, the couples I have seen who choose to hold things together, to work things out, to choose love again, tend to be much happier in later years.
There are some situations, I am sad to say, where one or both parties have gone so far off the deep end, that it is impossible to trust the other and to live with them. As a friend and colleague recently taught me, "Divorce is never the right thing, but sometimes it is the best thing."
No one can choose that for you. No one can be your conscience for you. Not your bishop or your priest or your minister. But I do know this. We must not judge. We must not burden others with our judgement, for God will render the same judgment on us that we render to others (see Matthew 7:1,2).
More often than not, I believe that love, and the relationships that nurture and protect love and the family, can be rebuilt if they rebuild on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You might have to carve your way through a jungle on your desert island to "find" that person again, but I know this for sure, you can love them again, if you choose to.
If a man and woman were placed on a desert island, though they were different ages, looked different, came from different cultures, spoke different languages, and had different interests and personalities, what would eventually happen to them?After some thought I said, "They would find a way to fall in love." Yes, that was her point.
What do you think?
I have thought about that question for many years, and I have come to the conclusion that love is possible in any situation where a couple offers respectful attention to each other.
Have you ever said to yourself, "Wow, how did those two get together?" Or, "What do those two see in each other?" I think it's because the "desert island" principle can apply to any relationship.
To me, respect is the doorway to love, and respect opens the way to trust which is the foundation of love.
On a desert island, you would be forced to focus and give your attention to just that one person. (Well, you could choose to ignore that person, but you likely would not.) And as you gave attention, if you wanted a desirable response, you would have to offer your positive, respectful attention, and then the thousands of daily, even hourly negotiations you must make with another person in order for your relationship to work.
My point is—and I think my mother-in-law's point was—in marriage, we are essentially on a desert island together, and if we choose to give this respectful attention to each other, the kind that builds trust, love will grow, no matter how different we are, no matter how different we see the world.
Some of you may feel shipwrecked, marooned on that desert island, and that there is no escape from your bad relationship. But I look at it differently, the result from what I have seen in hundreds of marriages over many years.
First, love is a choice, not an accident.
We talk of "falling of love" and I do believe in that magical part of love that we all experience and that comes from romance. But more than that, I believe that love is the result of how we choose to treat another person. If we treat them with kindness and true respect, if we serve them from our hearts, and give them our earnest attention, we will love them and that love will grow stronger and stronger and stronger. Even if we are vastly different from that person. Even is we have in the past been disappointed by that person, or even heart broken by their choices, we can love them again.
Second, if love is a choice, we can choose to love the same person again and again.
Even if we have fallen into stinky little patterns of disrespect and distraction in our relationships, even if we have allowed our hearts to grow cold, we can choose again. And again and again. And if we choose to show respect and offer service, love will grow again.
I am not saying you can always trust again. There are some situations where trust is absolutely broken and is impossible to rebuild in this life. But I tend to be optimistic and to believe that trust can be rebuilt in most situations, even where transgression is involved. But again, that is a choice.
If your love has waxed cold, you can love your spouse again, if you choose to, even if that spouse has made mistakes, perhaps big ones. It is your choice, and no one else can choose for you. But I will say that, over the years, the couples I have seen who choose to hold things together, to work things out, to choose love again, tend to be much happier in later years.
There are some situations, I am sad to say, where one or both parties have gone so far off the deep end, that it is impossible to trust the other and to live with them. As a friend and colleague recently taught me, "Divorce is never the right thing, but sometimes it is the best thing."
No one can choose that for you. No one can be your conscience for you. Not your bishop or your priest or your minister. But I do know this. We must not judge. We must not burden others with our judgement, for God will render the same judgment on us that we render to others (see Matthew 7:1,2).
More often than not, I believe that love, and the relationships that nurture and protect love and the family, can be rebuilt if they rebuild on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You might have to carve your way through a jungle on your desert island to "find" that person again, but I know this for sure, you can love them again, if you choose to.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
What Is It that Counts Here?
Last Sunday, during his talk at the First Presidency Christmas Devotional, President Monson recounted several scenes from Henry Van Dyke's The Mansion. He told of one John Weightman who, dreaming of his arrival in heaven, was shocked to discover that he would receive only a small hut in an open field for his earthly labors rather than a mansion as others.
He asked his guide, called the Keeper of the Gate, "What is it that counts here?" To this the guide answered:
The crux of which is: Kindness and mercy, acceptance and forgiveness, love and patient understanding, are among the finest gifts we can give to one another. In other words, people, and the feelings they have, are infinitely more important than things.
Obedience to God's laws is essential, but when we obey those laws in a proud or competitive way, a self-righteous way for others to see, we too often forget the "weightier matters of the law, judgement, mercy and faith" (Matthew 23:23).
I remember President Monson once quoting this saying attributed to Barbara Johnson:
This Christmas season, we all have plenty of things to worry about and plenty to do, but none of those things are more important than the people around us. My prayer is that I will have the courage to take the time to be a true friend to others, starting with those nearest to me, my family and friends.
A true friend cares and listens, overlooks faults with patience, gives of self. A true friend is in a way a ministering angel. I can't think of any better to give this time of year to honor the Master, Jesus Christ.
This, I believe, is what really counts here.
He asked his guide, called the Keeper of the Gate, "What is it that counts here?" To this the guide answered:
"Only that which is truly given...Only that good which is done for the love of doing it. Only those plans in which the welfare of others is the master thought. Only those labors in which the sacrifice is greater than the reward. Only those gifts in which the giver forgets himself."For some weeks, a scripture has been coming to my mind, one that the Savior quoted several times (Matthew 9:13; 12:7). It is found in the book of the prophet Hosea:
For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings. (Hosea 6:6.)When Jesus quoted that verse in Matthew 9:13, he also said "Go ye and learn what that meaneth." I have pondered this verse for years. I do not know all that it means, but I feel I have gotten a few things out of it.
The crux of which is: Kindness and mercy, acceptance and forgiveness, love and patient understanding, are among the finest gifts we can give to one another. In other words, people, and the feelings they have, are infinitely more important than things.
Obedience to God's laws is essential, but when we obey those laws in a proud or competitive way, a self-righteous way for others to see, we too often forget the "weightier matters of the law, judgement, mercy and faith" (Matthew 23:23).
I remember President Monson once quoting this saying attributed to Barbara Johnson:
Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.
This Christmas season, we all have plenty of things to worry about and plenty to do, but none of those things are more important than the people around us. My prayer is that I will have the courage to take the time to be a true friend to others, starting with those nearest to me, my family and friends.
A true friend cares and listens, overlooks faults with patience, gives of self. A true friend is in a way a ministering angel. I can't think of any better to give this time of year to honor the Master, Jesus Christ.
This, I believe, is what really counts here.
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