Put on the Armor of Light

For Those Who Don't Run Often or Well

2012-01-25T23:14:00.001-07:00

Overcoming Adversity

2012-01-22T15:56:00.001-07:00

Every one of us has suffered adversity and each one of us is likely suffering some kind adversity today, right now. Adversity is the trouble, weakness, difficulty, pain, sorrow and opposition that we face in this life, for, as Father Lehi said, “there must needs be an opposition in all things” (2 Nephi 2:11).

Adversity comes in many forms. It can come to us in the form of a serious illness. It can come in the shape of a lost job, the death of a loved one, or the apostasy of one dear to us. It may appear as a stubborn addiction, a sullen attitude, or an oft repeated sin. Adversity can appear in human form: as a boss, employee, or coworker, a neighbor, a classmate, a friend or erstwhile friend, a parent or child or a spouse. And, self-deceived and locked in pride, we ourselves can be our own adversity.

You can probably identify the three main sources of adversity:

The adversity that comes as a result of our own choices
The adversity that comes from the choices of others
The adversity that comes as a consequence of living in a fallen world

We have all suffered from the shame and embarrassment that comes from our own choices and failures, whether we made those choices willfully, through ignorance or because of a bewildered and broken heart.

And how about the sorrow and suffering we carry due to the hurtful choices of others, many of which the offending party hardly understands or is hardly aware?

We live on a dying planet that hosts a myriad of “thorns…and thistles” (Genesis 3:18), ills and sorrows. And though we don’t remember, we signed up for all of this.

Though we are reluctant to admit that there are blessings that come from our afflictions, it is true, nevertheless, that adversity is one of our best and dearest friends. It is a vital teacher and an indispensable guide. It helps us overcome the blunting distractions that deceive us, and helps us rediscover the real reason why we are here on earth. Adversity provides a priceless education that we cannot obtain in any other way, for any other price.

Think of your favorite sport, and think what it would be like to watch that sport if the opposing team did not put up any opposition. Would that sport be interesting to watch? Not at all. If there were no challenge in sports, no opposition or no competition, there would be no one to watch them and a world-wide, multi-billion industry would die. Overcoming opposition is one of the greatest, most entertaining, most interesting, and most fulfilling opportunities of our lives. Each of us, like it or not, must be hammered and shaped on the “anvil of adversity,” as President Hinckley once said of the pioneers.

Lehi also said, “Thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain.” (2 Nephi 2:2.) How will the Lord consecrate our affliction for our gain?

An important question we might ask is not, “How can I completely avoid adversity?”—which would be impossible and make for a boring, unchallenged life—but rather, “How should I handle trials and afflictions when they come my way?”

John Taylor, who was the President of the Church from 1880 until 1887, was a man of great faith and had an impressive attitude in the face of misfortune. Here is a story from the writings of B. H. Roberts which tells of President Taylor’s unusual tack on financial problems.

“While preaching the gospel ‘without purse or scrip,’ … John Taylor left it up to the Lord to manage his money matters, saying, ‘I would rather put my trust in the Lord than in any of the kings of the earth’ (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 71).

“When he arrived in New York City, [on his way to] England, he had only one penny in his pocket. Still, he did not plead poverty. When asked about his financial status, he said he had ‘plenty of money.’

“One day Parley P. Pratt approached him, ‘Brother Taylor, I hear you have plenty of money?’ … ‘Yes, Brother Pratt, that’s true.’ ‘Well, I am about to publish my “Voice of Warning” and “[Millennial] Poems,” I am very much in need of money, and if you could furnish me two or three hundred dollars I should be very much obliged.’ … ‘Then [Brother Taylor said], you are welcome to all I have.’

“And putting his hand into his pocket Elder Taylor gave him his copper cent. A laugh followed.

“‘But I thought you gave it out that you had plenty of money,’ said Parley.

“‘Yes, and so I have,’ replied Elder Taylor. ‘I am well clothed, [furnished with] plenty to eat and drink and good lodging; with all these things and a penny over, as I owe nothing, is that not plenty?’” (Roberts, The Life of John Taylor, 72–73).” (From The Presidents of the Church Teacher’s Manual, Lesson 12: John Taylor—Man of Faith.)

It is easy to have a uncultivated, hermetic attitude; it takes faith, courage and moral strength to have a positive, hopeful attitude—and to be able to laugh at your situation.

We make a mistake when we adopt an attitude that our obedience to God’s commandment entitles us from protection from all the woes of life, that we should not be forced off our velvet cushion, so to speak. There are promised blessings associated with obedience to law, but no exemptions. Those blessings are “irrevocably decreed” (see D&C 130:20,21), but God in His wisdom will grant them to us in His own way and in His own time. As we read in Hebrews, after we are “illuminated,” we will endure “a great fight of afflictions” (Hebrews 10:32).

Like a bird breaking out of its shell or a butterfly from its cocoon, without the struggle and effort that is necessary to break free, they, like us, cannot thrive in this world, let alone survive.

Think of adversity as resistance training for the eternities.

Once when George A. Smith, cousin of Joseph Smith, was very ill, he was visited by the Prophet. George later reported: “[Joseph] told me I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties might surround me. If I were sunk into the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged, but hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I should come out on the top of the heap.” (George A. Smith Family, comp. Zora Smith Jarvis, Provo, Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1962, 54.)

What about those times when your trials and problems just go on and on and on? What do you do then?

“There are times,” President Ezra Taft Benson said, “when you simply have to righteously hang on and outlast the devil...” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Do Not Despair,” Ensign, Nov. 1974.) He also said: “Every man eventually is backed up to the wall of faith, and there he must make his stand.” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Book of Mormon Is the Word of God,” Ensign, Jan. 1988.)

At times all you have left is your will and determination to endure whatever comes. Now is the time to decide that you will hang on with your faith no matter what comes—no matter what—for this is the great test of life.

Remember that “the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19.)

Failure is an important part of success. We cannot get where we need to go without stumbling over failure on our way. The sooner we accept failure as an important part of life, and thaw the glacier of fear that entombs us, the sooner we will find the success we came here to find.

I recently read an article about a company that created a “Failure Wall” in an effort to create an atmosphere in the company where it was acceptable to fail without fear. One evening an executive, his wife and an assistant stenciled dozens of quotes about failure on a wall in a corporate office, quotes like this one from Winston Churchill:

“Success is going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

Then they posted “these simple instructions: (1) describe a time when you failed, (2) state what you learned, and (3) sign your name.” The business leader followed his own instructions and wrote three failures of his own, then provided permanent markers so the employees could write on the wall themselves.

What would you write on that wall?

We often view our failures and mistakes as great adversity, but what if we saw each failure as a gift, each misstep, a prize? Jeff Stibel, the author of the article I read, went on to say:

In the beginning, the wall was met with surprise, curiosity and a bit of trepidation. We didn't ask anyone to contribute and we didn't tell people why it was there, but the wall quickly filled up. …I've said this before but it bears repeating: success by failure is not an oxymoron. When you make a mistake, you're forced to look back and find out exactly where you went wrong, and formulate a new plan for your next attempt…We don't just encourage risk taking at our offices: we demand failure. If you're not failing every now and then, you're probably not advancing. Mistakes are the predecessors to… success….

Alma and his faithful people who escaped the grasp of the wicked King Noah, his priests and armies, later found themselves in bondage to a clan of Lamanites who were led by Amulon, one of Noah’s unholy henchmen. Even though they were baptized and lived the laws of God with integrity, they were still brought under slavery and bondage. It was not until after they completely humbled themselves before the Lord that He said:

Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for…I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs…and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord. (Mosiah 24:13–15.)

Later when their captors were cast into a deep sleep, Alma and his people were able to escape from captivity, after which:

They poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God. (Mosiah 24:21.)

Don’t look down in shame, brothers and sisters, or look for others to blame, but look up. Look up, for the Lord “will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your” misfortune (Jacob 3:1.)

Recognize that all around us, people are having a really hard time, a really hard time. The pain is often hidden from sight, but adversity is there, present in everyone’s life. Imagine how important and how desperately needed are your words of encouragement, praise, love or consolation.

I bear testimony that what I have said is true. Since adversity is our companion, we may as well make it our friend. Remember, the scriptures say “after much tribulation come the blessings.” (D&C 58:4.) And as the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Thine adversity and thine afflictions, shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.” (D&C 122:7–8.)

We can be grateful for our trials. Adversity helps us to loosen a white-knuckled grip on the things of this world, to turn our eyes upward, and our hearts outward. Adversity helps replace our judgment with understanding, our fear with confidence. It teaches us to decorate and recreate less, and to consecrate and dedicate more, to buy less and give more, to reach out a helping hand, to let go, to become, not bitter, but better.

Christ is our example. He suffered adversity beyond what any mortal could suffer, and yet He did so without murmuring or selfishness, without ever charging God with folly. He submitted His will to the Father, always keeping His eyes fixed on eternity and the heavens.

As Isaiah wrote, “Thou [Lord] wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:3.) May we trust Him, no matter where our trials and adversity may lead us.

—A talk given on January 22, 2012

Waiting for the Call Part 2

2012-01-07T11:14:00.001-07:00

My brother died yesterday afternoon. I was amazed at how long he lived after his doctor thought he had days or maybe a week to live. He was super tough.

On Thursday at work, I kept thinking about him over and over. It came to me fiercely that I had one more chance to see him alive.

After work, I booked a flight and took the bus to the airport. I keep an emergency bag in my desk at work, so I have the essentials with me—toothbrush, razor, a pair of socks, a pair of unmentionables, and a few other things. In a little over two hours, I was on a non-stop flight to LAX.

I finally arrived at my brother's side a little before 10 that night, I think. He responded almost imperceptibly, but I know he knew I was there. I spoke to him for something close to a half and hour. I talked to him about all kinds of things. I spoke to him quietly.

I stayed late talking to Mark's saintly fiancée. I mean that. I don't know anyone who could have done for my brother what she did. It was amazing. I am so grateful.

She has a beautiful engagement ring on her left hand, but my brother got too sick before their plans could gel, and they were not able to have the ceremony. I believe in my heart that their love is eternal and that they will be together again in the next life. I believe that all our losses will be made up in the resurrection.

I got to bed in my Priceline hotel room after 2:00 AM.

I was able to see him again yesterday morning, but only briefly. He was barely breathing. I knew he would be gone that day. I kissed him and bid him a tender farewell.

I believe my brother was greeted by loved ones and ushered free at last to his true home. He was a kind, gentle, honest soul, good through and through.

Today is a day of a thousand memories, a thousand hopes.

God be with you until we meet again.

Waiting for the Call

2012-01-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

I found out a few days before Christmas that my brother is in hospice. He has cancer, which largely has been in remission, but other complications have arisen, and it's not looking good. He is only 56 years old.

I was able to fly down to see him. He was not able to talk, but you could tell he was trying to because he moved his lips. He was able to respond by moving his eyebrows, a hand or a foot. Once when my sister was talking to him, he was able to open one eye.

I can tell he is at great peace. I felt a holy presence when I was near him, a presence of angels. I have felt that presence before when I have been with people near their time.

I am so grateful that I had a chance to see him and talk to him, to tell him that I loved him and that he was a great brother. I know many people miss that opportunity.

I was talking with a friend yesterday who told me that he was able to reach his father's side minutes before he died, though his father lived several states away. He woke up one morning and knew he had to go. I see those promptings as tender mercies from the Lord.

My brother's fiancée is caring for him, along with round-the-clock hospice staff. Rarely have I seen such devotion in a person. He is loved unconditionally by her. It is such a comfort to know that he is in such wonderful hands. Who could ask for any greater gift, especially at a time like this?

Of course, I am rummaging through my regrets. So many things that I could have said and done, sooner, but did not. I wish I could be closer to him now.

So I wait for the call. The dreaded call. But part of me believes he can rally, hope against hope. It would not surprise me, especially given the love that surrounds him now.

I believe, however, that when a person is appointed unto death, there are no miracles forthcoming. Or maybe there are. I have to remind myself that most miracles are beyond my imagination, beyond what I can see in time and space.

So I wait. And pray.

Winter Wake

2011-12-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

For Mark

Winter rouses aching memories.

A jeweled evergreen sprouting
in our living room.

Stars so brightly blinding
the earth becomes insensible.

Strangers to who we once were,
our childhood emptied of every wonder
except One.

The redness of dying fingers,
fighting in the snow to stay alive.

I cannot sleep through this cold.

What My Mother-in-Law Taught Me about Love

2011-12-18T07:18:00.000-07:00

Years ago, my mother-in-law asked me a question about love which I have never forgotten. She asked this:

If a man and woman were placed on a desert island, though they were different ages, looked different, came from different cultures, spoke different languages, and had different interests and personalities, what would eventually happen to them?

After some thought I said, "They would find a way to fall in love." Yes, that was her point.

What do you think?

I have thought about that question for many years, and I have come to the conclusion that love is possible in any situation where a couple offers respectful attention to each other.

Have you ever said to yourself, "Wow, how did those two get together?" Or, "What do those two see in each other?" I think it's because the "desert island" principle can apply to any relationship.

To me, respect is the doorway to love, and respect opens the way to trust which is the foundation of love.

On a desert island, you would be forced to focus and give your attention to just that one person. (Well, you could choose to ignore that person, but you likely would not.) And as you gave attention, if you wanted a desirable response, you would have to offer your positive, respectful attention, and then the thousands of daily, even hourly negotiations you must make with another person in order for your relationship to work.

My point is—and I think my mother-in-law's point was—in marriage, we are essentially on a desert island together, and if we choose to give this respectful attention to each other, the kind that builds trust, love will grow, no matter how different we are, no matter how different we see the world.

Some of you may feel shipwrecked, marooned on that desert island, and that there is no escape from your bad relationship. But I look at it differently, the result from what I have seen in hundreds of marriages over many years.

First, love is a choice, not an accident.

We talk of "falling of love" and I do believe in that magical part of love that we all experience and that comes from romance. But more than that, I believe that love is the result of how we choose to treat another person. If we treat them with kindness and true respect, if we serve them from our hearts, and give them our earnest attention, we will love them and that love will grow stronger and stronger and stronger. Even if we are vastly different from that person. Even is we have in the past been disappointed by that person, or even heart broken by their choices, we can love them again.

Second, if love is a choice, we can choose to love the same person again and again.

Even if we have fallen into stinky little patterns of disrespect and distraction in our relationships, even if we have allowed our hearts to grow cold, we can choose again. And again and again. And if we choose to show respect and offer service, love will grow again.

I am not saying you can always trust again. There are some situations where trust is absolutely broken and is impossible to rebuild in this life. But I tend to be optimistic and to believe that trust can be rebuilt in most situations, even where transgression is involved. But again, that is a choice.

If your love has waxed cold, you can love your spouse again, if you choose to, even if that spouse has made mistakes, perhaps big ones. It is your choice, and no one else can choose for you. But I will say that, over the years, the couples I have seen who choose to hold things together, to work things out, to choose love again, tend to be much happier in later years.

There are some situations, I am sad to say, where one or both parties have gone so far off the deep end, that it is impossible to trust the other and to live with them. As a friend and colleague recently taught me, "Divorce is never the right thing, but sometimes it is the best thing."

No one can choose that for you. No one can be your conscience for you. Not your bishop or your priest or your minister. But I do know this. We must not judge. We must not burden others with our judgement, for God will render the same judgment on us that we render to others (see Matthew 7:1,2).

More often than not, I believe that love, and the relationships that nurture and protect love and the family, can be rebuilt if they rebuild on the foundation of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

You might have to carve your way through a jungle on your desert island to "find" that person again, but I know this for sure, you can love them again, if you choose to.

What Is It that Counts Here?

2011-12-11T06:15:00.001-07:00

Last Sunday, during his talk at the First Presidency Christmas Devotional, President Monson recounted several scenes from Henry Van Dyke's The Mansion. He told of one John Weightman who, dreaming of his arrival in heaven, was shocked to discover that he would receive only a small hut in an open field for his earthly labors rather than a mansion as others.

He asked his guide, called the Keeper of the Gate, "What is it that counts here?" To this the guide answered:

"Only that which is truly given...Onlythat good which is done for the love of doing it. Only those plans inwhich the welfare of others is the master thought. Only those laborsin which the sacrifice is greater than the reward. Only those gifts inwhich the giver forgets himself."

For some weeks, a scripture has been coming to my mind, one that the Savior quoted several times (Matthew 9:13; 12:7). It is found in the book of the prophet Hosea:

For I desired mercy, and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings. (Hosea 6:6.)

When Jesus quoted that verse in Matthew 9:13, he also said "Go ye and learn what that meaneth." I have pondered this verse for years. I do not know all that it means, but I feel I have gotten a few things out of it.

The crux of which is: Kindness and mercy, acceptance and forgiveness, love and patient understanding, are among the finest gifts we can give to one another. In other words, people, and the feelings they have, are infinitely more important than things.

Obedience to God's laws is essential, but when we obey those laws in a proud or competitive way, a self-righteous way for others to see, we too often forget the "weightier matters of the law, judgement, mercy and faith" (Matthew 23:23).

I remember President Monson once quoting this saying attributed to Barbara Johnson:

Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.

This Christmas season, we all have plenty of things to worry about and plenty to do, but none of those things are more important than the people around us. My prayer is that I will have the courage to take the time to be a true friend to others, starting with those nearest to me, my family and friends.

A true friend cares and listens, overlooks faults with patience, gives of self. A true friend is in a way a ministering angel. I can't think of any better to give this time of year to honor the Master, Jesus Christ.

This, I believe, is what really counts here.

A Christmas Tradition: Gifts to Jesus

2011-12-08T05:02:00.001-07:00

Every year for many years, our family has had a Christmas tradition of giving gifts to Jesus. We each write our gifts on a 3 x 5 index card, wrap it in Christmas paper, and put the cards next to our Nativity set.

The gifts usually are some acts of service or faith. My wife introduced this to our family when the children were young to help them understand the meaning of the season. And I am so glad she did.

When we first started out, we would give our gifts to Jesus on Christmas Eve, and the gift was to be given over the coming year. Now we give our gift early in December, to be done over the month.

I am grateful that we have done this as a family now for over 20 years (probably). It helps me get focused on stepping outside of myself, a place I need to spend a lot more time.

This year I am giving five specific acts of service. I better stop writing so I can start on my first one!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Cheescake

2011-12-07T05:08:00.001-07:00

I've had this hankering for pumpkin cheesecake for several weeks. Finally, on Sunday, I made a simple recipe using ingredients that I can eat, such as non-dairy cream cheese made from soy and xylitol in place of sugar.

I preheated the oven to 375 degrees and after a few minutes I started to smell something funny, but I didn't pay too much attention to it until my wife (I think) mentioned that she smelled something funny, too.

I finally opened the oven door and made an unpleasant discovery.

We got a new dishwasher last week, and before our landlord came over to install it, my wife had unloaded the dishwasher into the oven because the old one had to be removed. She told me she had done it, but I didn't remember when I turned the oven on. We both just forgot about it.

There were great gobs of blue and red plastic at the bottom of the oven. And a caustic smell. We had to open the kitchen window for a while, even though it was pretty cold outside. I was pretty disappointed to discover this when I was about to pop two pies into the oven.

So what did I learn from the experience?

1. Look in the oven before preheating it. Even though you think the gun isn't loaded, it is always best to assume it is. That applies to ovens too now.

2. It is great to have kind friends. I couldn't cook the pies but some friends were perfectly happy to let me bake the pies in their oven. Phew. I was really looking forward to having that cheesecake. Which we did.

3. If you don't give up, things always work out. Always.

4. What looks like a tragedy one moment looks hilarious a few days (or even hours) later.

The moral of the story: Look before you bake.

The Real Reason for Christmas

2011-12-06T20:14:00.001-07:00

I posted this video several years ago, but I'm excited to share it again. I feel more of the Christmas spirit this year than I usually do. I am busier than ever with work, but I am less distracted than I usually am, if that makes sense. This video expresses the simple joy of the real reason of Christmas, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

New Video about Christ's Birth: A Gift to the World

2011-12-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

This will put you in the Christmas spirit! Last night, during the First Presidency Christmas Devotional, I saw this video about the birth of Christ for the first time. It was very moving to me and I wanted to share it with you.

Yesterday I Witnessed a Miracle

2011-12-04T06:30:00.000-07:00

Early yesterday morning, my daughter took me to a neighboring town to get our pickup truck. I had left it at the Park and Ride overnight so we could go to the creche display in Midway (I highly recommend it). On the way home, my daughter was a little bit ahead of me and witnessed a single car accident.

The roads were slick from a dusting of snow that fell the night before. A small pickup rounded a sharp curve and the driver, a teenage girl, lost control. The pickup flipped over, landing upside down. I arrived a minute or two after it happened.

I saw my daughter from a distance approaching the overturned truck. I was instantly sobered because at first I thought the cab of the pickup had been flattened and the person in the little truck must have been seriously injured or even dead.

The miracle was that the cab of the truck, upon closer inspection, was fully intact because as the pickup flipped, the cab had fit perfectly into the irrigation ditch that was on the right side of the road.

Within moments I was at my daughter's side and we discovered that the girl was okay but could not get out of the truck. She was kneeling on the upside-down roof of the cab. I was able to grab a corner of the passenger side door and open it enough for the girl, shaken but without injury, to pop out.

My daughter loaned her her cell phone so the girl could call her family. Minutes later, two members of our ward, both RNs, drove by and stopped. They knew exactly what to do to make sure the girl was okay. Boy, was I happy to see them.

Within a short time, local police and EMTs arrived and took the girl into a warm ambulance, and our daughter gave a statement to a police officer because she was the sole witness.

I caught the girl's father for a moment before I left. I said, "I got the impression that your daughter's life was preserved for a reason." The Spirit bore quiet witness to me that this was true. I knew I had been a witness of a miracle. I drove home a changed man.

Some might reason that these "coincidences" were merely chance happenings. I don't see it that way. I have never seen it that way. There was order and blessings in the chaos. There was a holy feeling there, too, as if angels were present.

The English word miracle comes from the Latin word miraculum, which means a wonder or a marvel. I am still in wonder. I am still marveling, humbled, and grateful.

Free Christmas Readings

2011-12-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Back by popular demand! I put together a book of Christmas readings a few years ago. It has 31 scriptures from the Old and New Testaments (King James Version), one reading for each day through the month of December.

After each reading, there is a question to think about or discuss. It is a resource to help us stay focused on the meaning of the season. The readings are brief to match our short attention spans.

Many of my friends have a print version of this little book, but I also wanted to offer you a free, downloadable PDF version (8 1/2" × 11", 35 pages, 197 kb).

To download a free copy of the book in PDF, click here. You can also get a Kindle version here (It's $0.99, the smallest price you offer on Kindle).

Happy reading and Merry Christmas!

Christmas by John Wallingford

2011-12-01T08:00:00.001-07:00

Christmas is not a day or a season, but a
condition of heart and mind.

If we love our neighbors as ourselves;
if in our riches we are poor in spirit and in
poverty we are rich in grace;

If our charity vaunteth not itself, but suffereth long and is kind;
if when our brother asks for a loaf, we give
ourselves instead;

If each day dawns in opportunity and sets in
achievement, however small;
then every day is Christ's day and Christmas
is always near.

—John Wallingford

Why We Still Play the Thankful Game

2011-11-22T19:22:00.001-07:00

Last night, for family night, we played the Thankful Game. This is a game we have played in our family for many years. We first played it when our oldest daughter was two years old. She is now married and has three children.

Do you want to know how to play it? It is about as simple of a game as you can imagine.

You sit on the living room floor and roll a ball back and forth between family members, in no particular order. Each time the ball comes your way, you say something you are grateful for.

Last night we played with three, my wife and I and our 16 year old daughter. I am so happy to have a daughter who is such a good sport—willing to play what some would consider a "little kid's game."

I think one of the reasons why we are so eager to say thanks is how good we feel when we express genuine gratitude, especially to each other. And we play it long enough so we can be fairly thorough.

In recent years, I have gained appreciation for what I once thought were the difficult things in life. Illness, financial difficulty, suffering, trials.

And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more. (D&C 78:19.)

When you face these difficulties with faith in God, trials take on tremendous value. You learn so many things from them. Suffering sanctifies. Trials teach. Financial trouble yields faith and fortitude (and ingenuity that you didn't know you had). Illness teaches compassion and patience like nothing else can.

I believe that I only have trials that I need, that they are ordained for my eternal education. Most of them I bring on myself, through ignorance or pride. Then God repackages them and turns them into learning experiences, and blesses me with them.

Trials are gifts. The wrapping paper is not very appealing, but the gifts inside are the most precious I have ever received. So, with all my heart I say, I am thankful for my trials.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18.)

Happy Thanksgiving to every one of you. May you be blessed this holiday with peace of mind and a grateful heart.

P.S. I am so excited that I actually get to take off two days this week and spend time with my family. Hurray!

The Secret in a Man's Heart

2011-11-20T06:49:00.001-07:00

There is a secret in a man's heart. I can't tell you what is in every man's heart, but I can tell you this: every man I've asked this question—"What do you want most from your wife?"—has agreed with me when I told them what I thought it was. And I have asked a lot of men this question.

What is it?

He wants to be your hero. He wants you to think of him as your prince, your knight in shining armor. He wants you to look up to him and to respect him and to trust him. To be completely accepted by you.

He wants this just as bad as you want to be cherished and adored by him and to be the center of his world, to be the most important person in his world. More important than work or sports or any of his interests or hobbies. To be completely accepted by him.

They are kind of similar, these #1 desires, aren't they? But they are also different. If you know these desires are almost universal, you will understand a lot about men and women.

(If you disagree, man or woman, please comment on this post. I want to hear from you!)

Now from observing your husbands, you might think the thing he wants most is to watch college football, play golf, collect tools, or to be physically intimate with you.

Those things may be what is showing up when what he really wants is something else but he can't figure out how to get it.

The other thing that shows up when he can't figure out how to get what he wants is an addiction of some sort, too often these days a roller coaster addiction to pornography. (That was a simplification; a pornography addiction is way more complicated than that, but what I am talking about here will play into it.)

My wife understands the need I have to be her hero, and she encourages me endlessly to be her hero by showing and telling me how I can be.

That is what the honey-do list is about at our house. It is actually the hero list. I know that and my wife knows that.

And what is the hero list composed of? It is a list of things that (1) she doesn't know how to do; (2) are hard for her to do; (3) are too yucky or dirty or smelly for her to do; (4) are too scary for her to do; and (5) she is overwhelmed and just needs help.

That's the way it is at my house. How about yours?

If you have a hero list for your husband, and most wives do, explain in a bit of detail why you want him to do the things on your list, why he is better suited to do them than you are. It will help him if you calmly share your feelings about the things on your list.

And when he does do them, thank him genuinely and let him know you admire him for what he can do to make your life better, easier and more convenient, even if he is not perfect at it.

You will get much, much more, over time, from your husband by praising him, intreating him, persuading him, coaxing him, encouraging him, honoring him, and respecting him, than by any other method.

Positive words will inculcate positive behavior. Usually.

If your relationship is way out of balance, though, meaning that you or both of you are using negative words and actions in an attempt to get your needs met, it will take awhile to bring things back into balance again. But err on the positive side of getting things done, remembering that:

That which doth not edify [build up] is not of God and is darkness (D&C 50:23.)

You can't use darkness to bring forth light. You can bring light out of darkness, but you can't use darkness as the instrument to produce light. It just will not happen.

In conclusion let me say that my wife is a world expert at this. She really knows how to make me feel like I am her hero. If I could read to you what she wrote in my birthday card this past week, you would know what I am talking about. The little positive, appreciative things she says and does, to support me in my far flung efforts to improve our lot temporally, is what I really want and need. It is wonderful.

I doubt myself, but I don't doubt that my wife thinks of me as her hero. Knowing that in my core is what keeps me putting out my best effort, and bettering my best. And it makes it easy for me to adore her and to love her the way she wants to be loved.

Have fun with this. It is like a game! The funnest game there is, when you play it right.

How to Get Your Husband to Listen to You

2011-11-15T07:35:00.000-07:00

Generally speaking—as if you haven't already noticed—men and women communicate a little differently. Understanding the differences is important if you want to improve communication with your spouse.

I am not saying that men and women are always miles apart in the ways they talk, but that there are notable differences. I am not saying that men are always right in the way they communicate, or that women are always right. I am going to make a few rather broad generalizations, and hoping that as we gain more understanding, we will take positive action on what we learn.

This is a continuation (sort of) of the series "The Number One Complaint I Heard from Wives." (Here are Part 1 and Part 2 of the series.)

We like to joke about these differences. And sometimes we might put the opposite sex down, especially in their absence. I don't do that and I don't like hearing things like that. I don't think it's right or smart to disparage others. I want to understand others, especially my darling wife; I want to be part of the solution, not a liability to everyone around me.

Here's a story that gives these differences in communication some perspective.

A few years ago, when our second oldest daughter was in college, she invited her roommates and friends over for a Sunday dinner. Our table was full. They are all wonderful girls. And it was a fun evening, if you were a girl.

I sat at the table as the lone male. I could not get a word in edgewise. I could not keep up with the conversation. It went too fast for me. Way too fast. Men out there, have you ever been in that spot?

Is this a bad thing? No, not at all. I just am not fast enough to keep up. I thought at the time that it was actually kind of fun. Eventually, though, I left the table and crawled into my shell someplace else in the house, probably in the basement office, my favorite man cave.

No doubt there are some males that could keep up with the speed of that conversation, but I am not one of them, and I have yet to meet one who is. If you are male and a supersonic talker, congratulations! How do you do it?

What I have learned from this and other experiences is that I am uncomfortable communicating when all alone in a roomful or car full of females. I am more comfortable talking one-on-one with my wife or daughters, or among couples. I am sure that women often feel the same way, too, that is, they might feel uncomfortable being in a situation where they are outnumbered by men. (But there is probably a reader out there who loves it.)

Here is another example. My wife and I went up to Park City for a few nights in August. We went to the pool while we were there. Actually, we moved back and forth between the hot tub and the pool. You know, the hot and cold thing. Anyway, there were two women in the hot tub. They were talking incredibly fast. No men were involved in the conversation to slow them down, so they were talking at light speed. Inwardly, I smiled, but I still couldn't keep up.

I thought then, maybe women have to r-e-a-l-l-y s-l-o-w d-o-w-n to communicate with men. Maybe that's annoying to them. No, that's too broad of a generalization. Or is it.

I don't say any of this to deprecate men or women. There is just a difference, generally, between the way men and women think and talk. I haven't captured all the differences, but one of the reasons why a difference exists, something I have mentioned in an earlier post, is that women have 40 percent more connections between the right and left hemispheres of their brains. That means that they can jump back and forth acrobatically between them. Amazing. Useful, too.

It also means that everything is connected to everything and when she is thinking and talking she is in a limitless ocean. When men think and talk, that ocean is held in individual and varying size buckets.

This might be one of the reasons why, as a male friend said to me recently, women can "cover a lot of ground" when they get together. I think it is a wonderful quality; I just can't participate fully. (Okay, maybe I'm just jealous or embarrassed that I can't.)

So what's my point? It's a simple one. Ladies, when you think your man is not listening to you intentionally, he may just not be able to keep up with the fast pace at which you are delivering your message.

We men like to hide out in our boxes. We have a lot of them. The work box, the laptop box, the working-in-the-garage box, the golf box, the fishing box, the horse box (I have one of those), the blog box (I am in that one right now), the fill-in-the-blank box. (Usually, things are in those boxes, not people.) When we are in one of these boxes, we have a hard time backing out of it. It takes us a while. We like to concentrate and give something intense focus. My wife understands this about me. She gives me time to get out my current box to talk to me.

I am not trying to excuse men for not listening. I am just saying there is a difference here, though it might not be universal. He might be in one of his boxes—focusing narrowly on one thing—while you are trying to talk to him, and he may, therefore, have a tough time catching or focusing on everything you say until he has time to back out of his box.

There are things you can do.

Once when my wife really wanted my attention and she see saw that I was distracted, she held my face between her hands and forced me to make eye contact with her. I remember when she did this. It was when our youngest daughter was small. She had to go away and wanted to make sure I attended to our little girl's needs while she couldn't.

It struck me as a tender thing. I didn't feel put down when she did it. I think it was pretty cute, actually. And I got out of my box and listened.

Just last Friday when I was at work and we were chatting online, my wife asked, "Do I have your face?" We both know what that means, especially since we have been talking about it over the last little while.

Two other things that wake me up and get me into listening mode is when (1) my wife addresses me by name ("Mike?") and waits until she sees my ears and eyes pointed in her direction before proceeding; and (2) she asks for my attention directly and won't continue until she has it (but she doesn't do this in a bossy way).

So, these three things my wife does help me give her my full attention: Hands around face (my favorite), addressing me by name, openly and directly asking for my attention.

In addition to this, let me say that it's not my wife's job to get me to listen and pay proper attention to her. I know it is the best and rarest compliment to give someone your full, sustained attention. It is a great gift, especially when it is voluntary. The need for attention from others, and all that it implies, is among the deepest human needs.Without it, we shrivel and die, first inwardly and then outwardly.

That is why I try to give others this kind of attention. I try to give my wife this kind of attention every day. Nothing says "I love you" like giving someone your intense interest and attention.

I have a lot to learn about how to communicate better with my wife. But it is fun game, and now that I know a few of the rules, it's even more fun.

I am not saying women are better communicators than men. But I will say that I think women are often but not always better at communicating their feelings than men, and that it is frustrating to wives when their husbands clam up and won't talk about what is going on inside of them. That was the number one complaint I heard as bishop: men not talking, especially about their feelings.

Wives can't force their husbands to talk, but they can draw them out. They can persuade them and encourage them. They are not powerless to change their situations. They may be frustrated—and I don't blame them—but they are not powerless. My wife has ways of getting my attention and drawing me out. She does it gently, so I trust her. She is safe to talk to, and she hears more about my feelings than she used to because of it.

I still have a long way to go, but I am making progress.

My Primary Kids and My Birthday

2011-11-14T07:03:00.001-07:00

A few weeks after being released as bishop a year ago (can you believe it has been a year?) I was called as a Primary teacher for our ward's Valiant 9 class.

It had been 1992 that I was last a Primary teacher. It's been a long time since I taught such a young age group and I have absolutely loved it. I really mean that. I have a wonderful Primary class and it such a blessing to be their teacher. I can't wait to be with them on Sundays.

So I have a birthday this month and yesterday I got called up front during Sharing Time so the kids in senior Primary could sing "You've Had a Birthday." Red faced. Looking at the floor. That was me. I don't relish that kind of attention, but it was good to be in the kid's shoes for a switch.

Anyway, after I sat down, I quietly asked the kids how old they thought I was going to be. The first girl I asked said she thought I would turn 28 and instantly became my new BFF, but after she heard a few other kids guess, she upped her estimate to 48. Smart girl, and still my BFF.

One boy guessed that I would be 70 to 80. Ha ha ha! Can you see why I love being around these kids?

Four guesses were in the 60s, three in the 50s, three in the 40s and one was off the chart (70 to 80). Anyway, I averaged the guesses and they were quite close to the right age. The average was 56.3 and my actual age is 54.

Only five weeks left teaching these adorable kids. Then it will be Christmas and then on to a new year and a new adventure.

I have a hard time with change. I am not looking forward to it. I know I will miss these kids a lot.

A lot.

My Personal Day of Decision

2011-11-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, we sang "I Stand All Amazed" for our sacrament hymn as my wife led the music. As I sat next to our daughter in the congregation, I remembered the first time I ever sang that hymn.

I was a teenager and investigating the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, to the horror and disapproval of my parents. I attended that evening meeting at the invitation of a close friend who had joined the Church five months earlier. It was at the Gabriel Park Ward in Portland, Oregon. It was the first time I had ever attended a sacrament meeting.

I don't remember what the opening or closing hymns were, but for some reason I remember that hymn by Charles H. Gabriel:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

I had attended church with my family my entire life, but the peace and stillness I felt at that meeting was different than anything I had ever experienced. A young couple spoke. I don't remember their names, but I had never heard such faith, commitment and reverence over the pulpit before. Somehow, I was transformed, changed forever. That was my day of decision. It was Sunday, October 12, 1975.

I made my way home to our ranch where I lived some 60 or 70 miles south of Portland. My dad was home alone. (My mother, who was bedridden, was away for her annual check up.) He nervously asked me if I went to Church that day. When I told him I had gone to the "Mormon Church," all heck broke lose. What I felt at sacrament meeting was tested to it's full dimension.

My father, who happened to be drunk at the time, maligned the Church with all his wit and power. With a cigarette in one hand and glass of Scotch whiskey in the other, he said, "I'm ashamed before God." But I controverted him and within a matter of minutes, I was kicked out of the house, banished to the blackness of the night.

I loaded a few meager belongings up, and drove back to Portland. I didn't know what my fate would be, but at that moment, I thought I was cast into outer darkness by my father for recognizing the brightest light I had ever seen. But I did not despair. I felt a wonderful comfort that was both familiar and unfamiliar. Somehow, I knew I was doing the right thing. I knew I had taken a stand for my new found faith. It was a small faith, like a mustard seed, but it was growing fast.

Two days later, I met my future wife Cristi for the first time. I went to early morning seminary with my friend who had invited me to Church. Cristi was sitting with her sister on my left and she about knocked me out with her beauty. Later, Cristi told me that her sister said after seminary, "He's just an old cowboy." I don't suppose I was much to look at that day, but I am grateful that beautiful girl was kind to me, and ultimately, took a chance on me.

Within a few weeks, I was baptized and confirmed into the Church. A year after that, I went on a mission, and within seven months after returning home off that mission, I married that girl I met in seminary in the Manti Temple. We have (nearly) raised three beautiful daughters together and just celebrated our 32nd anniversary in August. We have a very happy marriage, though we have had many trials together. Maybe it's the trials that make (or break) a marriage.

I am grateful for that fateful day in October 1975. It has made all the difference. It has not been an easy road. It has been a long road, but it has been the right road for me. Joy has always overshadowed the pain and sacrifice.

I am grateful that I made my commitment to follow my Heavenly Father that day, even though it was one of the most difficult days of my life. It has been 36 years ago now, but He has never let me down. I'll never forget that day, nor that hymn.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me,
Enough to die for me.
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

How Our Family Does Scripture Study

2011-11-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

How are you doing with your scripture study as a family? Are you holding it? If you clicked on this link, I suppose you are interested in studying the scriptures as a family. We have done it since our children were young. We cannot be held up as a perfect example, but we never give up.

When our oldest daughter was young, we would read a scripture story to her each night from one of the scripture readers, such as Book of Mormon Stories, and then at least one verse from her own copy of the Book of Mormon. She had a set of scripture markers; they were kind of like crayons. We would let her mark the verse we read herself, though it was messy business. It was a wonderful adventure seeing these stories from a child's eyes. I remember she called the Lamanites "the guys with the yucky panties."

When the children got older and were able to read, we would gather in the living room, usually in the evening, and each take turns reading verses of scripture. The younger readers took more time, of course, to read their passage, but it was worth the wait. We would tackle the whole Book of Mormon or the whole New Testament over a year.

One of the things we have struggled with is just reading scriptures dryly, without any discussion or commentary, so for several years, we have not been reading just books of scripture but have been following the course of study for the Sunday School. This year it's the New Testament.

We have a member of the family take the lead in our study for a week. When I take the lead, I am called the "scripture boss." When my wife leads, we call her the "scripture diva." And our daughter likes to be called the "scripture commando." Did you guess she is a teenager.

We follow the assignments for the lessons found in the New Testament Class Member Study Guide. This week we will be studying the Epistle of James. It has 108 verses. That's a least 16 verses a day for the week. We'll aim to read 6 verses each a day (18 a day) and then talk about what we read. We usually read before bedtime which is the time that works well for us.

Other than prayer, temple and Church attendance, nothing has been more healing to me than reading the scriptures. I got into the daily reading habit when I was a teenager, and that has been one constant that has been with me throughout my life.

It's not so much the black and white on the page as it is what I feel and experience when I read the words on the page. And it is more than what I feel: it is a mind, body and spirit connection, a heavenly connection, that is critically important to surviving and thriving in this confusing world. Nothing has given me more hope. Nothing has given me more peace.

All of our children are independent scripture readers with a regular habit. We didn't have to force this on them. They picked it up because they wanted to. We are very proud of them all.

If you don't have this habit in your family, I highly recommend it. Why not start or restart today?

P.S. For tips on scripture marking, see an earlier post on "Scripture Marking Success."

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Wives (Part 2)

2011-10-16T20:54:00.000-06:00

This is a continuation of a discussion I started last week in Part 1.

I would like to confess one of my bad habits: I wait until the last minute to pack for a trip. Not every time, but usually.

There are too many details to manage in my detail-oriented mind. It shorts me out, so I put it off until the clock forces me to act. Bad policy, I know.

This drives my wife to distraction. I don't blame her. I am not proud of my disorderly conduct, especially when I really like things to be orderly.

I took a short trip last week. I knew I had to pack by early Tuesday evening. I have a packing list—several, actually (one for regular trips, another for camping). When I focus on a list, I do a much better job of packing.

What would you expect my wife to say? Hmmm. She said just two things.

Thing #1, in a kind tone (really): "Would you like me to help you pack?"

I told her at what time I planned to pack and that I was using my "list," which I now store as a checklist in Evernote.

Then a little later, thing #2: "Are you sure you don't want my help?"

By then I was mostly packed.

My very kind wife of 32 years, who could predict my every move, refused to naggravate the situation by throwing spicy words at me. Instead, she conquered me by kindness. Or, better, she helped me conquer myself through her kindness.

Rather than sniping and griping, she offered her help, without saying things like "You always..." or "You never..." Unwilling to belittle me, she completely won me over with her love. She used her power to persuade me, not her bitterness to force me. I get packed with time to spare, and she keeps her sanity, and our love is stronger. Wonderful arrangement, don't you think?

But life goes fast and we get in a hurry and we tend to rush the ones we love and forget that the power of patience must preside over every relationship. Patience pushes out the boundaries of love so it can grow ever larger.

With our patience we say, "I love you, so I will help you. I love you, so I will wait."

When you are involved with a human being, patience is an absolute requirement if you want that relationship to last and grow.

My wife has no trouble getting me to talk to her. Can you see why?

P.S. Ours is not a storybook relationship yet. We still, each of us, can get a bit snippy. But that is getting more and more rare as time passes.

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Wives

2011-10-09T08:37:00.000-06:00

Does your husband talk to you as much as you would like him to? Probably not. This is a common frustration among wives. I found this out after talking to a lot of them.

Some men are more naturally talkative than others; but most are not talkers. Why is that? I don't know. I really don't, but I have a few guesses. If you have a husband who talks to you as much as you would like him to, you've got a rare man.

Husbands not talking to their wives. That was the number one complaint I heard from wives when I was a bishop.

Recently a friend of my wife wished out loud that her now ex-husband would talk about his feelings—or just talk about anything.

Men are like that. They seem to prefer to hide or ignore their feelings rather than to bring them out in the open or deal with them. As if it were a weakness or an inconvenience to even have feelings or to share them.

I know. I am one of those men.

I have been a husband for two-thirds of my life, and I have a wife who understands exactly how to get me to talk. Most of what I'll say below is inspired by her actions over the 36 years we have known and been falling in love with each other. And we keep falling.

First off, I am not saying it is your fault that your husband won't talk to you. What I am saying is you are not powerless. You can do something about it, even if he won't.

If you would like to have your husband, or any man in your life for that matter, talk to you, this is what I would do.

Secret #1. A man is a turtle who lives in a shell.

Show him respect—even if he does things that are not worthy of your respect. This is what he longs for more than anything else. Though he is imperfect, he still has qualities worthy of your respect. Let him know what those qualities are, and you will, little by little, draw him out of his shell.

Secret #2. He can't keep up with you verbally. Word for word, you have him outmatched.

Don't talk over him. Don't talk down to him. Don't use your verbal machine gun to get your point across. If you do, he will hide in his "trench" until the enemy fire dies down. Kindness is your white flag that will get him back to peace talks.

Secret #3. You may not realize how much your words hurt and silence him.

Don't criticize him. That will shut him down and you will get the opposite of what you are after. He wants and needs your gentle acceptance, in spite of his weaknesses and mistakes. Unfeigned, unconditional love is what will win him over. It will win you over, too.

Secret #4. He needs time to think.

Ask him direct, personal questions respectfully and then listen patiently for his answer, even if it takes a few days to get an answer. But do it without judgment or wrath.

Say something like this, "I really want to know what you are feeling about how Emma's acting at school." Then wait. He might answer you on the spot, or it may take time. Then, even if you don't fully agree, respect his answer.

You would like it if he communicated with you in this way, too, wouldn't you? Of course. But to get that, you have to apply the Golden Rule in marriage, "Do unto husbands as you would have husbands do unto you." That goes the other way too, gentlemen. (See Matthew 7:12.)

I am not saying, "Don't disagree with your husband." By all means, you should disagree with him! He needs that and expects that. You need to express your feelings and you should do it daily and fearlessly. But the way you express those feelings will make all the difference in the way he communicates back to you.

Almost more than anything, he does not want to be pounded by vocal artillery.

He is not perfect. He knows that. He gets reminded of that every day. Reinforcing his imperfections will not get him to talk openly with you, but reinforcing his gifts and higher qualities will, over time, get him to open up more and more.

And you won't be able to pry things out of him (or her) by force. Love is unenforceable. It is a respectful invitation to love you back. All the anger and threats and complaining and sharp words in the world will not, for all the world, get you what you really want, momentary victories notwithstanding.

If you must be "right" at all costs, you cannot and will not have peace or the fulfillment you long for.

I am not saying that these things will work for everyone or that they apply to you or that change comes overnight.

It takes "patient continuance" (see Romans 2:7). The persistent application of fundamental virtues are the only thing that will work on the eternal scale. Following Christ's example is the key.

Don't wait for others, not even your husband or wife, to do the right thing before you do the right thing.

This is what it means to "overcome the world"—to do right and to be right with God, no matter what anyone in this world says or does. (See John 16:33.) And overcoming the world is, first and foremost, overcoming yourself.

(Here is Part 2.)

Until Darkness Surrenders

2011-10-08T12:23:00.000-06:00

The jeweled light of morning,
the kindness of the morning,
drenches the night with
the fragrance of heaven.

I cling to the morning
as a child to a dream,
until darkness surrenders
to unhurried, fearless hope.

—Michael Fitzgerald

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Husbands (Part 4)

2011-09-18T07:23:00.003-06:00

This is a continuation from Part 3. (See also Part 1 and Part 2.)

I think one of the reasons we are on this planet is to understand our passions and to get them under control. I've noticed in the scriptures that the Lord never says, "Don't have any passion!" but there are numerous appeals to bring them under control and to keep them under control. James chapter 3, for example, is a plea for us to overcome our fiery tongues.

One of the ways our adversary deceives us is by tempting us to seek gratifying results when what we really want are satisfying results.

For example, we sometimes let our kids raise our hackles and then we justify using anger or loud voices or sharp words or threats or whatever to get them to do what we want them to do. When we get a quick response we are deceived into thinking that bitterness is a great motivator when really it is not.

We may use the same method with our husbands or wives and get fast results, too. We learned this as children when we said to ourselves in essence: "If I throw a hissy fit, I might just wear down my parents and get what I want." Then we get older and use the same methods in our marriages or with our children and pow! Instant gratification. We're hooked!

But consider this verse:

And, ye fathers [and mothers], provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4.)

And then cross-reference that verse with this one:

For the wrath of man [or woman] worketh not the righteousness of God. (James 1:20.)

The long-term results of wrath will not be satisfying. Over the years, as I have seen parents and spouses use "wrath" as a means to an end, I have seen their children or spouses get quite disheartened. Some even lose their way.

Fathers [and mothers], provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. (Colossians 3:21.)

We cannot work the righteousness of God with our wrath, as the scriptures teach. The two are incongruous. Too often we justify our "reproving betimes with sharpness" but then don't show "an increase of love" (see D&C 121:43-44). We err on the side of reproving, and don't do enough loving.

What we don't always realize is that we are planting thorns and thistles as we treat our loved ones this way, the deep seeds of resentment and rebellion. Those seeds may take time to grow and bring forth their ugly fruit, but they certainly will bear that fruit if we don't root out and displace poisonous plants with flowers.

The discouragement created by a parent's or spouse's wrath can lead to a child or spouse to seeking acceptance elsewhere, often with the wrong crowd or with new companions or through secret, virtual pleasures. The seeds of wrath may very well bear fruit by the shocking delivery of divorce papers, a last minute exit before entering the MTC, or the announcement, "I don't love you any more." The reasons behind those tragic moments are wide and varied, but sometimes we plant the seeds that bear this fruit without realizing it.

Satan is always tempting us to go after things that will bring us quick, gratifying results. Perverted uses of alcohol, drugs, money, pornography, sex, even junk food which can also bring us down physically and emotinally. He likes to throw things like this in our path when we are physically, mentally and emotionally worn down, when we are the most vulnerable.

Sin does not usually bring with it an instant punishment, but it often brings an instant "reward"; however, a moment's indulgence can be followed by decades of regret.

So my advice to couples and parents is to turn away from the temptation to go after gratifying results and instead seek for deeply satisfying results.

One last verse:

Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love... (Alma 38:12.)

This verse seem to indicate that when we get our passions under control, it makes way for love to flourish. Invest in patience, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness and love unfeigned. (See D&C 121:41-42; see also Galatians 5:22-23.)

Our passions are real. They don't go away. But we can bridle and control and guide them. Don't let the adversary deceive you any longer. Sharp-tongued words cannot bring you what you really want.

Only the virtues of love, patience and gentleness can bring you the deep, meaningful and peaceful relationships that you really want. Those virtues require discipline and perseverance and daily repentance.

Those virtues will not let you down. Those around you may let you down, but true principles and virtues will not. Like a seed planted in the ground, they take time to grow, but when nurtured, they will in due season yield their beautiful, satisfying fruit.

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Husbands (Part 3)

2011-09-16T05:45:00.000-06:00

This a continuation from Part 2. Here also is Part 1.

You may be familiar with Shakespeare's Much Ado about Nothing where the bickering between Benedick and Beatrice—"My dear Lady Disdain, are you yet living?" is entirely overthrown. Friends trick Benedick into believing that Beatrice loves him—"Love me, why?"—and also trick Beatrice into believing that Benedick loves her. It amazes me what a change takes place in a person when they feel loved, truly loved, by another. It changes everything.

But we can lose sight of that when we fall into the trap of focusing on the mistakes or weaknesses of those we love. To me, it is one of the biggest mistakes we can make in our relationships.

One thing that took me nearly a lifetime to recognize is this: that the things we complain about are most often brought about by our own actions or inaction. We deceive and distract ourselves from the real, core problem by blaming others for our troubles, and this, I believe, is one of the ways we hurt ourselves the most. We think our limitations are caused by others, but it is we ourselves who hold the key to our own prison cell.

As a young friend once said to me, "You are your only limitation." He was so right. We have little idea how much power we really have, to the delight of our adversary.

What you put out there comes back to you. We often call it the Law of the Harvest. The underlying doctrine behind this is very well founded in the scriptures, and if we believe the scriptures are true—that the Word of God is true and reliable—we will recognize more clearly where our blessings and troubles come from.

Let me with a simple yet powerful concept found in the Sermon on the Mount:

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. (Matthew 5:7.)

And then add this illuminating cross-reference:

The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh. (Proverbs 11:17.)

See how it works? If you show mercy, you will receive mercy in return. If you are cruel, cruelty will haunt your days.

These things don't always come back to us immediately, but they will surely come over time in the economy of God. Our lives, in time, always yield the same kind of fruit that we plant.

The Savior asked later in that same sermon:

Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. (Matthew 7:16-17.)

So if you are planting thistles and thorns in your marriage, what are you going to get back?

So what I am saying in this series, especially to the men, the husbands, is to lay down your weapons of defense and just love your wives. See the good, all of it, and emphasize that. Everyday. See her beauty. See her intelligence and cleverness and wisdom. Adore her darling habits. Truly appreciate the things she does for you every day. Notice the effort she puts in to be beautiful, mostly for you. Start making more sacrifices for her. Love her truly, deeply, madly. Tell her that you do, and really mean it.

Now what will you get back?

At first, she will be suspicious. She will say, "What do you want from me?" Don't place demands on her. Just love her to bits. In my experience and close observation, if you love in this way, she will pay you back 100 times.

If you do this consistently—no, unremittingly—your relationship will start bearing more pleasing, more shapely, sweeter, more delicious fruit.

The key is making the commitment within yourself to love her even if she is grumpy, mad, or upset. See past that and keep moving forward. This is the key to winning in love.

P.S. Once again, as always, this won't work readily if there are serious emotional issues at play. But even if there are, keep trying anyway. One way or another, it will all come back to you, good for good or grudging for grudging. The law the harvest is immutable.

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Husbands (Part 2)

2011-09-15T06:06:00.001-06:00

Here I am continuing the conversation on marriage I started a few weeks ago in Part 1.

Do you remember how excited you were when you got married? Your relationship was so strong. You were head over heels for each other. Everything was so new and different and fun. You got along so well. Your wife felt wanted, needed, and cherished, and your husband felt honored and respected. He was everything to you, and you were everything to him.

Then you hit a pothole.

In the weeks or months following your marriage, you started to doubt your place in each others life. You discovered that you didn't see eye to eye on everything. Warm contentions arose. Worst of all, your husband started to seem more interested in things besides you. You felt like you were absolutely number one in your husband's eyes until one day the intensity of your relationship started to lessen. All of a sudden he seemed more focused on work or school or golf or football or hunting or his laptop or cell phone. The day that doubt crept into your soul was a sad day. Or your wife became disappointed in you and you didn't realize how snippy she could be about little things.

This is not the case in every marriage. Some women, sadly, have never felt like they were number one with their husbands, and some husbands feel like they can never live up to their wife's expectations. Whatever the case, it is all sad to me. And unnecessary.

I did this to my wife. I mean, I caused her to doubt. It's in her journal, her sad feelings about being displaced by my other interests and priorities. I feel terrible about this now. I didn't understand what to do when I was first married. Now I do.

This is what I do.

Beyond my daily devotion to God, my top daily priority is to reassure my wife that I love, cherish and honor her, that nothing and no one is more important to me than her. I want her to know that she can count on me to stand by her no matter what, sickness, health, grumpiness or bad hair day. I want her to know that I am always going to see the goodness in her and that I think she is absolutely beautiful, inside and out, which I do.

When it comes to marriage, as you have heard me say before, I play more offense than defense. It's an absolute commitment to myself that is not guided by mood swings or defensiveness. It comes from knowing where I stand myself and letting her know, too.

I have a very happy marriage. Very happy. It's not because I am "lucky." I don't believe in the common concept of good or bad luck which I think is just ignorance of how things really work and why things happen.

There are three reasons why I am extremely happy in my marriage and I think you can have the same three reasons to be happy.

I deeply appreciate my wife. I have almost lost her several times to post-surgical trauma. That taught me appreciation like nothing else. And as a result, I made certain strong, unbreakable commitments within myself to cherish her each day. I think she can feel that and it makes a huge difference.
Talk, talk, talk, talk. We talk a lot. I mean a lot. I am not a husband that can be accused of not communicating with his wife. She knows my heart because I expose it to her. I used to express my ups and downs with my moods; now I express them with my words. But I control those words to make sure that they are calm and respectful no matter the circumstances. I never put my wife down, ever, in or out of her presence. I hold her in great honor both on the inside and on the outside.
We are still on our honeymoon. You may doubt that, but we are. We love to be together. We go on one or two dates a week. We have lots of fun. We do new and interesting things together. We laugh and cry together. We work together and solve problems together. We are a team. We are together.

A few weeks ago, my wife and one of our older daughters were talking about our life as "empty nesters." (It's coming up fast. Too fast.) Our daughter said, in essence, "You won't have any problems. Your relationship is different than most others."

She is right. It is different. Why? Because we consciously choose to make it different and it is.

Don't get me wrong. We still have our rough spots and disappointments and disagreements, but we handle them so much better than we used to. We get over them quickly. We put them aside and move forward. We take out the emotional trash regularly.

Let me close by saying this: I adore my wife. I think she is absolutely darling. My devotion to her is not based on how she behaves or how she looks at a particular moment, but it is based on who she is, who I feel that she is. Because she knows this, it makes all the difference.

Remembering September 11, 2001

2011-09-11T08:01:00.000-06:00

I am sure that, like me, you can vividly remember the moment you heard the news of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

We were living in a Oregon at the time. It was a beautiful, sunny day. The summer was fading into autumn, and like the season, my wife was fading as well. She had had a feeding tube surgically implanted in her chest the day before. It seemed she was barely hanging onto life. She was sleeping in a separate bedroom from me. I often wondered that fall if she would be alive when I opened her bedroom door in the mornings.

There was a TV in her room and we turned it on that morning. We were shocked by the video of huge planes being flown deliberately into the Twin Towers in New York. My sweet wife was so sick that the news was even more confusing and upsetting to her than it might otherwise have been. We had to turn the TV off. I remember feeling tormented that I couldn't tune in to what was happening in the world and care for my wife at the same time.

It was a bewildering time for me. I was completely preoccupied. Medical bills were piling up and money was running low. I had little work. Our life seem to be falling apart. I didn't know where to turn and what to do. All I could do was fall to my knees and look up.

I remember that I went outside into our front yard that afternoon. I looked up into the clear sky which was eerily silent because all airplanes had been grounded by government order. Though I was troubled that day more than I had been during anytime in my life, I knew that God was up there, somewhere beyond the limits of my sight, somewhere beyond the deep, beautiful, quiet, blue sky. I felt it in my soul and it brought me great peace.

He was there. He was in charge. I rested on that assurance. I had nothing else left.

P.S. I found out a few days later that the mother and sister of a friend in our ward happened to be on American Airlines Flight 11, the plane that crashed into the north tower of the World Trade Center. It was a total shock—someone I knew personally had been directly affected by the attack. It put my ordeal into humble perspective. Mine was the lighter burden to bear.

The Number One Complaint I Heard from Husbands (Part 1)

2011-08-28T16:16:00.002-06:00

I have to say that, with little exception, husbands who came to see me as bishop were respectful of their wives. They honored them in spite of their difficulties with them, or weaknesses in their marriages. I was always very impressed by this.

Though they were respectful, one complaint emerged as the most common one offered across the bishop's desk.

This is what it was. Sometimes wives could get almost entirely focused on the negative aspects of a situation or a person, especially those of her husband or children, and close friends or relatives. This negative focus could turn into long, painful bouts of bitter criticism and stinging complaint.

Men, to be sure, do this, too. But I have seen or heard of it coming from women more often than from men.

This is pretty discouraging to men. Little, I think, is more discouraging to them. Some men put up a wall of resistance and engage in defensive arguments with their wives. Others turn off their ear drums and drift into silence. In both situations, most men build up walls of confused resentment. I say confused because few men understand where this bitterness comes from or what to do about it. Most men just write off the behavior and say, "She's just that way."

The fact is that nearly all women can be "that way" at one time or another, some more than others. And it's not just because of a monthly hormonal imbalance, either. It goes deeper than that. Much deeper.

I don't know or understand every women's situation—of course not—but I have seen this behavior in enough marriages that I can offer a little insight. These bouts with negativity and bitterness occur in women when their deepest needs are not being met, when they are not getting the attention or respect they deserve, or when they do not feel completely loved for who they are. Some feel judged, others ignored. Whatever the case, they are unhappy and unfulfilled.

Sometimes I think the clamor is an attempt (usually unconscious) to get attention. Observe children and you'll know that they'll sometimes do just about anything to get attention, be it positive or negative. If we don't get enough positive attention in our lives, especially from spouse and family, we can wilt and shrivel. And we'll take negative attention over no attention. I think this is what is at the core of the negativity I have seen in a lot of marriages.

Let's start with the opposite end of the spectrum, with a wife who feels loved, honored, respected and cherished, and who, most importantly, loves herself. When this is the case, you will see little of bitterness and complaining. The poison well just dries up. A wife who has these needs fulfilled consistently is less likely to be overcome with negativity. If her spouse is showing her love and honor and respect consistently, and she is still angry and negative most of the time, well, there often is something else going on.

Although there may be a logical reason behind these negative emotions, there is a higher standard for expressing them. For example, in the epistle to the Ephesians we read:

    Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
    And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
    Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
    And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:29–32.)

I think we should all be free to express ourselves, openly and honestly, but without the adornment of anger and bitterness. If anything is coming out of your mouth that is not edifying, that is not building others up, then the devil has power in your life. If you are blaming others for your unhappiness, you are laying your power at the feet of an idol.

And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness. (D&C 50:23)

I trust the Word of the Lord to guide me. I don't let darkness have power in my life. (I have dark moments, but I don't let them last long.) I can say what I need to say without holding back, but I say it with respect and kindness. If I imagine that Christ is part of every conversation I have (and He is whether I recognize it or not), I have learned that I can say anything I have to say to anyone with grace and honor.

One of the reasons we feel a need to "vent" is because we hold in our feelings so long that they start to rot and fester. If you are a stuffer, you are going to suffer. Don't stuff your feelings. Let them out, but not on the tip of a dagger.

What about a husband who does his level best to show his wife his love, honor and respect, on a regular basis, and she is still bitter and unhappy. Often when this is the case, there is something troubling going on. Something more profound and personal that may not involve the husband that much. It might have something to do with a past relationship or experience where feelings are unresolved and the wife takes it out on her husband. Or it might be something worse, like an addiction, a serious transgression, a grave temptation, or past abuse. I have the greatest respect for those husbands who patiently endure marriages where the relationship is dominated by their wives' negative or unresolved emotions. Happy is the man who learns how to help his wife untangle her feelings, get them out in the open, and start finding ways to communicate positively.

My wife sometimes says to me,"You can't make me happy" meaning that she realizes that it is her choice to be happy, no matter what anyone else does or says. When she says that, I usually quip, "But I can do more for your happiness than any other person on the planet." I think we are both right.

My advice to husbands and wives was always to keep their covenants at all cost. The covenants you make in holy places are primarily between you and God. You can keep those covenants, no matter what someone else says or does, or doesn't say or do. But I also know that there are times when a marriage becomes unendurable if your spouse is involved in repeated infidelity, or evil, abusive, or even criminal behavior.

Whatever the case, I would err on the side of kindness and mercy and patience. I would give my spouse as many chances to get it right as I would want for myself. (But there is a limit in extreme cases.)

Finally, here is a little test for husbands. If you find that your wife is more negative than positive, ask yourself these questions and what you might do differently:

How often do you plan and take your wife on a date?
Do you read the scriptures together as a family or as a couple regularly?
Can you admit that you are wrong and sincerely apologize?
Do you pray together as a family or couple on a daily basis?
When was the last time you went to the temple together?
Do you ever offer to give your wife a break and send her away for an evening while you clean up after dinner and get the kids to bed?
Do you sincerely compliment your wife or tell her honestly that you love her every day?

If you have answered no to any of these questions, you will probably have more negativity in your home than you'd like. But I promise you that, if you follow the seven items listed above, you can do more to help your wife resolve her feelings than anyone else. You may disagree with me, but I consider it my number one job, outside of my devotion to God, to love, honor, respect and cherish my wife, no matter her disposition for the moment.

I work pretty hard at this and I can tell you that I am among the happiest married men I know. I really am. Yes, we have our moments, but they pass quickly. Since I believe I am in charge of my own happiness, I throw a lot of forward passes and play very little defense. I hope your wife responds as tenderly and lovingly as my wife does to me. If she does, you will be a very happy man as well.

P.S. I know there are exceptions (read my disclaimer). If you cannot find peace and happiness in your relationship with your wife, I would seek for counseling and other help. If you are at a total impasse, and both of you are in a degree of misery, then I pray that you will find a way to break free and move forward again.

Next, Part 2.

Update on Health

2011-08-23T11:05:00.000-06:00

It has been several months since I gave you an update on my health. I am at home with a virus today, so it's a good time to send a post, though a little ironic.

I have been on the steroid Prednisone for several months which has been keeping the lid on my hyperactive immune system. I am trying to get off it now. I got down to one tablet a day (5 mg) for a time and stopped entirely four days ago. Some of the symptoms are flaring, like the perioral inflammation (around my mouth), but other than that, I am feeling quite good, virus notwithstanding.

I am taking an herbal supplement called Immucalm that is helping keep my immune system calm. I can tell a difference shortly after I take a few capsules. Sometimes I have taken herbs or a supplement for something and it seems nothing happens. But other times I can tell when something really works. This, gratefully, is one of those times.

I know, you can clog your brain with so many choices and options, but you have to listen carefully to your own body, your own spirit. I am grateful for modern medicine and ancient medicine. Both take patience and wisdom to apply safely and correctly. But if there is anything I can do to treat an illness through pure nutrition, I'll do that first.

Speaking of nutrition, I've stayed on a largely vegetable-based diet for over four months and I've been off of meat for about five months. What a difference it has made. I have been able to maintain a much healthier weight (over 30 pounds off my peak), reduce body fat, and feel much more energetic and clear minded. I have a few gooshy spots, but for the most part I am lean and have more strength and endurance. Those things feel better than any food tastes.

One interesting side effect is that I have not gotten a sunburn this summer. Not even a little one. This has been a yearly ordeal since childhood. I am fair skinned and always used to get burns. But this year, nothing. Sometimes I have put a little sunscreen on the back of my neck as a precaution, but that's it. I was out in the sun for several hours a few Saturdays ago, but no burn. I have heard how people who eat raw food don't burn and now I am a believer.

My diet is, however, not perfect. My wife and I went out to dinner for our anniversary about a week ago—Tucanos which has a HUGE salad bar. I secretly asked the hostess to bring us a big slice of chocolate cake. (I love to totally shock my wife. The longer we are married, the better I get at it.) I actually ate about 1/4 of the slice. It tasted wonderful, but since I don't eat much sugar, something that sweet almost burns my taste buds. I am not kidding. And my stomach was a bit rumbley afterwards, too. I won't do that very often, but I preforgive myself if I do.

I read a book recently where the author claimed to eat really healthy food 90 percent of the time. I need my ratio to be 95 percent or higher. I think this is a good approach. It's got balance. I eat A LOT of raw food, but I am not 100 percent raw and don't plan to be. I don't eat meat right now, but I do plan to eat some turkey on Thanksgiving. I avoid sweets generally, but will have a little on a special occasion.

Snack foods and sweets aren't that appealing to me anymore. They are not a temptation. I crave vegetables like never before. For breakfast, lunch or dinner. I know that sounds a little odd, but it's true. It's a good place to be. I am not fighting with myself over food. And rather than paying the price for my culinary indulgences, I am getting tons of benefits from eating the way I am, like staying away from the hospital, for one.

I am a convert to healthy eating. I am not saying I'll never fall prey to my Cheez-it and cookie appetite. I could. But I don't plan on it.

P.S. I miss orange juice.

Seven Triggers for Transgression: The Yellow Zone

2011-08-21T10:37:00.000-06:00

I am writing this because I feel like someone out there could use a little help.

A few years ago while I was a bishop, a wise young man shared this list of triggers with me. He had been seeing a counselor who told him there were seven basic triggers that can lead us to repeat bad habits or fall back into addiction or transgression.

I've listed them here.

Lonely
Tired
Bored
Stressed
Depressed
Anxious
Angry

Each one is surrounded by a negative—and usually hidden—emotion. If you are wrestling with overcoming habits or an addiction, these triggers can be a "yellow zone." What a I mean by "yellow zone" is that you know you need to slow down or stop but you are having a hard time doing so. If you have difficulty with a bad habit, you'll find that one of these triggers may precede slipping back and losing ground.

I am adding seven counter measures that can help you avoid situations or thought patterns that lead to doing something you will later regret. Each numbered item is an antidote to one in the previous list. Each one is associated with creating a positive emotion.

If you are lonely, spend time with someone else who is lonely and could use your attention.
If you are tired, you are likely not going to bed early (see D&C 88:124). Try not to stay up so late; in fact, go to bed earlier than usual.
If you find yourself getting bored, plan activities with friends well in advance and go and have some fun.
If you are stressed, eat better, exercise more regularly and breathe deeply.
If you are depressed, it usually helps to talk about your feelings. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings regularly.
If you are anxious, write down what you are anxious about, then take it to the Lord with precise faith. Pray in faith as well as at length and then listen patiently for the comfort that will come.
If you are angry, you are likely blaming a person for hurting you or someone you love. Seek to forgive, not correct, that person. Leave that to the Lord. Also, forgive yourself. People who forgive themselves find it easier to forgive others.

If you diligently apply the solutions in the second list—which all involve reaching beyond yourself—you have an excellent chance of overcoming the yellow zone of old habits.

Reach out to other people. If you feel you have no friends, reach out to the friendless and become a friend. Get yourself plenty of rest and good nutrition. Seek the advice of a leader or a trusted friend or counselor to discuss any feelings of depression you may have and seek further help if needed. Be patient and persistent in your prayers, and seek and freely offer your forgiveness—nothing is more freeing.

Apply the brakes just when the light turns yellow, not when the light has already turned red.

The Death of Masculinity (Part 4)

2011-08-16T07:30:00.001-06:00

Let me address a few things that have come up in the comments on this series.

First of all, in love, nothing can be done by coercion or force, neither by a man nor a woman. Well, you might save a person's life by force, without that person's consent, but that would be a rare case. You can only really "take charge" in a way that wins the respect of others if you do it in righteousness, that is, "only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile" (D&C 121:41–42). These qualities apply to both sexes though the context for the verses cited is that of men holding the priesthood.

Though I believe that men and women are complete equals, I also believe they have distinct ways of expressing themselves that are wonderfully different. I think that this is what keeps men and women fascinated by each other—all those differences keep relationships vibrant and fun. We are similar but different enough to keep our interest up while we try to figure the other out. I am always sad when I see a marriage lose that wonder between the sexes that can be so much fun. We lose the wonder when we stop carefully listening. When we stop listening, we lose respect, and when we lose respect, we lose sight of who we really are.

Some think I am blaming men for all the trouble in male-female relationships. That is not the case. I am focusing on men in this series, but I am not blaming them as the sole source of trouble. When relationships disintegrate, there are always issues on both sides, things that could be done better. While I do not believe men are solely to blame, I do believe they should lead in love, in purity and righteousness, and when they do not, it causes troubled hearts and sadness in a home, especially in a home based in the gospel.

I'll conclude by confessing what I really believe about men. I may be wrong about some of the aspects that I have explored with you in this series, but this is what I really believe. First, a foundational scripture:

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25).

We men have a holy charge to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Nothing short of a total sacrifice by a man is sufficient to hold and keep his wife in trust and joy. You cannot "purchase" your wife at a discount and expect to flourish in happiness, love, trust and respect. A man must lay down everything if he wants a truly joyous and fulfilling relationship with his wife. I don't mean giving up who he is or what he likes to do, but giving up the natural man. The men I've seen who do this have great marriages, and the men who don't often struggle in their relationships with women. Every man needs to figure this one out on his own—he must personally discover how he can become a man of God.

This is what I really believe. Many men disagree with me, but those men often don't have very happy marriages either. At least those whose relationships I am aware of, and I am aware of a lot of them. What I see a lot of men doing is holding back their love and effort, waiting for their spouses to change before they offer themselves. But that is not what Christ did. He offered Himself up completely and out of great love, without holding back, before we had repented, "for the gifts and calling of God are without repentance." (Romans 11:29.)

Now I have not talked about the main issues I see happening in women's lives that contribute to failed relationships. Perhaps I'll do that in another post or series. While I don't blame men for all the troubles and trials in male-female relationships, I wholeheartedly believe that men who take the lead in a truly Christ-like way win the love and respect and even adoration of their wives and children in ways that others cannot. It is a rare thing to behold, but it is awe-inspiring.

The apostle John taught us this: "We love him, because he loved us first." (1 John 4:19.) Love first and then you will see changes in others. Don't wait for the change in others before you make the sacrifices and changes you need to make in your own life. Love first and love will surely follow.

(See Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.)

The Death of Masculinity (Part 3)

2011-08-06T07:41:00.003-06:00

I don't mean to draw stereotypes. Every person is unique and will have a unique combination of qualities and weaknesses. I do not want to judge nor condemn anyone, "for God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:17.) But I do see trends. After working closely with hundreds of men, women and their families, I could not help but see trends. I don't really understand where these trends come from, but I would like to understand, and I would appreciate your insights. They help me—and other readers of this blog—a lot.

In response to comments on my last post, I would like to add that, yes, of course, all Christ-like qualities apply to both men and women. I see both men and women have the ability to be excellent leaders. I see men and women as absolute equals. I am sorry if I implied something different than this by not coming out and saying it directly.

Men and women can and should be heirs of confidence. This is an area I have needed to grow in. My lack of confidence in the past has led to many sorrows. I have also learned that there is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. Men and women need confidence and the strength that comes from it. But the confidence I need is in different areas than the confidence my wife has.

I have seen women be just as assertive as men, but I have also seen men be more aggressive and violent than women. Women are capable of aggression and violence, but they are not as inclined to it as men. To illustrate, the incarceration rate of men in prisons in the United States is 15 times that of women (1,316,495 to 92,785 in 2003). That has to tell us something.

Just the other night I was reading with my grandson about women pirates such as Anne Bonny and Mary Read. I am sure that women like danger and adventure just like men, but these were the only two women convicted of piracy during the 18th century.

So there are distinct differences in the way men and women are wired. We share needs and desires and tendencies, but we express them differently. The balance of testosterone and estrogen that God put into our bodies has an effect on us. I think I am right in saying that while the challenges and temptations that men and women face are not 100 percent unique, they are unique in some ways.

Because of this, I am calling more attention to men because that is where I see the greatest need for improvement. And I am starting with myself.

Women likewise have need for improvement, but after spending five years talking to hundreds of men, women and couples, privately and publicly, I see very distinct patterns and trends. This also comes after counseling with other bishops, especially after conferring with bishops of singles wards.

Here is where I see some other fundamental differences.

Yes, both men and women can be selfish, but in my experience, women, especially those who have children under their care, are much less inclined to be selfish than men.

Another example is that in my years as bishop, I spoke to many men, young and old, about viewing pornographic images, but I never had occasion to speak to a single woman about this issue, except in relation to a husband or a child. Men tend to get caught up in visual pornography and women can get ensnared by reading pornography in the form of romantic fiction, but still, that was never an issue that came up in a single interview with a woman—I am talking about hundreds of interviews with women. I am not saying that visual or written pornography is not or can't be an issue with women, but I have never personally seen it.

I know women who like video games, but I see a tendency among men, especially young men and boys, to get absorbed in them, and, unfortunately, in violent ones. I think this relates to the citation above about the incarceration rates of men over women. Testosterone, unchecked, can lead us men into sorrow and trouble.

Likewise, both men and women can exercise unrighteous dominion, but I see more of a tendency of this error in men than in women. Both men and women need to lead out in righteousness, but I must acknowledge the prophetic counsel in the Proclamation on the Family that men are called by God to preside over, provide for and protect their wives and children. This is a huge responsibility which we men too often don't take seriously enough, and the trends I see are undermining this.

Men also can be very narrowly focused, where women often have a broader focus. Do you know one of the reasons why? Women have 40 percent or more connections between the hemispheres of their brains than men! Their left and right hemispheres can talk back and forth more glibly than men. I believe this is one of the reasons why women can be so much more perceptive of others' feelings and motives, especially in dealing with children.

Also in my experience, I feel that women are more readily inclined to remain faithful, though in recent years I have seen more and more women being led astray into illicit affairs, I am very sad to say.

There are always exceptions and unique cases, but, generally speaking, there are some fundamental physical and emotional differences in men and women. Also, I focus on men because that is where I see a great need.

Are women better than men? No. Are women more important than men? No. Are men more capable of righteousness or leadership than women? No. Are there differences in men and women? Yes. Are their needs and challenges different? Yes, not completely, but yes.

One of the greatest issues I see is the loss of footing men are experiencing in modern culture. And I think because of that, we have a tendency to back into a cave of confused self-gratification rather than using our God-given gift of masculinity to stand up boldly, be counted among the sons of God, lead our families in righteousness, and follow Christ with all our hearts.

That is the challenge I am taking up: to become, over time, the father, husband, breadwinner and leader God put me on the earth to be. No wrong exits. No excuses. I want to be the man God wants me to be.

(See Part 1, Part 2, Part 4.)

The Death of Masculinity (Part 2)

2011-08-03T17:15:00.002-06:00

I'm finally continuing my post from a month ago about the missing masculinity in the modern male. (Wow, that was a lot of ms.)

What I am about to describe is not the rule, but it is common, and it seems to be getting more common. This is of great concern for a lot of women I have talked to.

When I was a bishop, a number of women would come in for interviews and were quite frank about their feelings (hurray for honesty). Almost all of them were respectful of their husbands and of men, but they could not hide their disappointment.

The second most common thing I heard from wives or young women of dating age was that the men in their lives were not taking charge. They were not taking a leadership role. They were sitting back and not stepping forward. They were not demonstrating true masculinity. These women felt forced to take on a broader leadership role in addition to their other roles. And they didn't like it.

(Pssssst. Women really, really, really are attracted to genuine masculinity.)

Many of their husbands or boyfriends were absorbed in computer games or television or their laptops or worse. These men weren't leading the family in prayer or in scripture study and other sacred duties. They seemed to their wives to be in a constant state of escape, letting family life pass them by as they huddled close to their electronica. They also didn't feel like their husbands or boyfriends were pursuing them. They got along most of the time but they were living parallel lives. Emotional interaction was missing, except when arguments broke out.

Unmarried women of marriageable age had similar complaints. Young men, it seemed to them, were happy with just hanging out. They were not being chased by them, though they wanted to be. Girls and women like to be pursued by men who are attractive to them, but these men seemed self-satisfied, preoccupied with personal pleasures and pursuits, and not striving for a higher plane. (Thing of the term self-centertainment and that sort of encapsulates it.) Even though they may attend church or may have served as missionaries, they wore worldly attire and hair and had worldly, selfish or arrogant attitudes.

I can't tell you how disappointed and disheartened young women are because of this trend of a chosen generation of young men unchoosing themselves. I am somewhat disheartened too, but I emphasize that this is not the rule, blessedly.

Men would complain about their wives negativity and complaining and I would tell these me that much of that would be reduced if they would become true, Christ-like leaders, if they would express their innate masculinity. (Nevertheless, I always encouraged women to not try to change your men through bitter and harsh words. This might relieve some frustration for a moment or two but too often brings about the opposite effect than what they want. Women have much more powerful tools at their disposal, namely their true femininity, the subtle force that is at the core of nearly all positive male motivation. But I digress.)

So what do we do about this? I'll tell you what I am doing: I am repenting.

I am easy going. But a little too easy going. I have let a lot of opportunities pass me by due to my easy-goingness. I have learned my lessons the hard way. I have disappointed myself, my wife and my children too often because I was not stepping up to my masculine role.

As parents we can do a better job of showing (not just telling) young men what it means to be truly masculine, in the purest, best sense. You don't have to be perfect at it. You just have to be making a very honest and open effort and be willing to correct your actions when you discover you have gotten off the path.

True masculinity in my view is to be genuinely Christ-like. It is to be bold yet humble. Full of adventure yet loyal to home and family. Having self-control but willing to let go of and express emotions at the appropriate time. Being reliable and true. Willing to sacrifice anything and everything for loved ones, yet wise enough to be kind to yourself.

I'll close with this observation. A man who does not acknowledge and express his masculinity will go a little crazy. He needs an outlet and a challenge and an adventure to pursue. Daily. Without this, he will seek to satisfy his cravings through video games and pornography and other stultifying pleasures. Wise is the woman who understands this need and supports it.

Here is a personal experience. My last year at BYU, I took 42 credits (fall and winter semesters). I was on task and I got good grades. I was on a mission to finish school and to move on to providing a good income for my family. It was hard work. It took a lot of effort. And my wife was fully behind me. When I finished my last final that April, I felt like I could fly. But a few weeks later, I was depressed. Why? Because I didn't have a huge goal to pursue. I learned a lesson from that: I always need to have a huge goal. It has taken me years to grasp this, but now I get it. (That's huge goal things was part of masculinity.)

Woman who control their fears and support and encourage their men to build their "field of dreams" often find the men they love much better able to express their true masculinity.

(See Part 1, Part 3, Part 4.)

John Powell, My Wife's Pioneer Ancestor

2011-07-24T08:08:00.004-06:00

Today is Pioneer Day, the anniversary of when the first Mormon pioneer company arrived in the Salt Lake Vally in 1847.

We went to watch the fireworks in our town last night. They were an awesome sight, but on our way home, my wife said, "What do fireworks have to do with the pioneers?" I had wondered the same thing myself. I think that sometimes the way we celebrate an event can distract us from the meaning of that event.

To me, when I think of the pioneers who came to the "shadow of the everlasting hills," I am struck that they were so full of faith, so determined to reach the place where they could gather with like-minded, faithful saints. They gave up homes and riches, family and friends to be here, right here where I live, to transform a desert with their toil and industry and perseverance. Some failed to hold fast in their journey, but the vast majority of those who crossed the plains did not fail, and left an incredible legacy of faith.

This morning, I would like to honor a pioneer ancestor of my wife, John Powell. He crossed the plains with his wife Sarah Elizabeth Harris and their six children in the first handcart company in 1856, the Edmund Ellsworth Company.

John and his wife and family lived in Wales where they were converted to the gospel. John was quite ill but received a blessing from the missionaries wherein he was promised that he would travel to the Salt Lake Valley with his family and would there use his skills as a stonecutter to work on the Salt Lake temple.

John did cross the Atlantic and the plains, arriving in the valley on September 26, 1856, and was privileged to work on the temple. However, he died just 13 days later on October 9, 1856.

Was his journey to the West in vain? Did he travel all that distance just to die and leave his family fatherless? No, in his journey, in his life and in the timing of his death, he fulfilled prophecy. He had a vision of faith, of what he was to accomplish in his life, and he fulfilled it, though the price was very dear.

I am amazed at his faith and the faith of his family. I am amazed at his endurance and sacrifice and perseverance. I thank God for his example. I want to be like him. I want to honor the pioneers by not just admiring their faith, but emulating it. This is the heritage I want to pass on to my children and grandchildren, the heritage and ideals expressed in the hymn They the Builders of the Nation:

They, the builders of the nation,
Blazing trails along the way;
Stepping-stones for generations
Were their deeds of ev’ry day.
Building new and firm foundations,
Pushing on the wild frontier,
Forging onward, ever onward,
Blessed, honored Pioneer!

Service ever was their watchcry;
Love became their guiding star;
Courage, their unfailing beacon,
Radiating near and far.
Ev’ry day some burden lifted,
Ev’ry day some heart to cheer,
Ev’ry day some hope the brighter,
Blessed, honored Pioneer!

As an ensign to the nation,
They unfurled the flag of truth,
Pillar, guide, and inspiration
To the hosts of waiting youth.
Honor, praise, and veneration
To the founders we revere!
List our song of adoration,
Blessed, honored Pioneer!

I know our pioneer ancestors were not perfect. I know they had weaknesses, just like we do. But in spite of any weaknesses or flaws they might have had, they stuck with it and succeeded in their overall mission. To me, their faith and goodness shines brighter than anything else.

I believe this is our charge, this is our heritage, to find the best and the highest in others and to follow it. I want to follow the faithful pioneers.

Never, Never, Never Give Up

2011-07-15T07:45:00.000-06:00

I started writing a Young Adult novel in April 2008. I worked on it sporadically for several years until I found a way to flesh out the first and second drafts last year. I have worked on it every day this year except Sundays. Last night, I finally sent the first two chapters to a little group of reviewers, and I can't tell you how good that felt after such a long gestation period.

This is the second novel I have written. I wrote another one in 1992, but I gave up on it, too soon. After writing it over a period of many months, I decided I didn't like it and I gave up.

I have written a number of books. I probably have more confidence in my current novel than in any other book I have written. The reason why is I have confidence in mathematics, that is, with the process I am following, it is mathematically impossible to fail. I really believe that.

And what is the process? It's simple. It's not giving up. No matter what, you just don't give up, not on the good things.

Some things are worth giving up, and should be given up, quickly. The sooner the better. I think and do things that I should have given up a long time ago. But there are some that you and I should never, ever give up on.

Never stop believing in God and never stop believing in yourself. Never stop hoping for a better life, a better world, and going to work to make your life what you want it to be.

Never give up on the people you love. You may not be able to be with them or live with them because of their bad choices or yours, but never give up on them.

Never give up on the beautiful dreams God has planted in your heart. He put them there for a reason. You may not be able to, hope against hope, imagine how He will fulfill your dreams, but He will. Be patient. Where agency is involved, especially the agency of others, you must be patient. And you must be patient with yourself.

Every day I work on my novel, it keeps getting better and better. Even if all the reviewers who are reading it now give it a thumbs down, it wouldn't matter, I'll keep working on it until it matches the vision God has planted in my mind and my heart. It might not feel that great if my readers don't like it in its current form, but I will persist until I succeed. That is the way the math works. You work out the problem. Then you calculate. Recalculate. Recalculate. Keep doing that until you get the result you envision.

Apply this math to any worthwhile goal, and you will achieve it. Just don't give up and you will succeed in anything worthwhile you pursue.

P.S. For those of you who are curious, the novel is a fantasy set in the modern West. A 15-year-old girl is forced to flee Chicago and seek refuge on her grandfather's ranch in Nevada where she discovers that she can do things she never imagined—like drive a 3/4 ton pickup, break an unbreakable horse, talk to rattlesnakes, falcons and coyotes, and heal everything she touches.

The Thing I Miss Most about Being Bishop

2011-07-10T06:38:00.005-06:00

I was released as bishop over seven months ago. In some ways, the experience of being a bishop seems like it happened a long time ago; in other ways, it seems like it was just yesterday that I would be getting ready to head out to bishopric meeting at this very hour on a Sunday morning. Now I am just sitting on my bed writing this blog.

One thing that has not changed (and you may have heard me say this already) is that I still think about ward members every day. I wonder about their struggles and triumphs. I worry about their health. I wonder if they are overcoming their personal challenges. It seems that the Lord's Spirit still keeps me mindful of them. I still care a great deal and wonder what I, a rank and file ward member, can do for them now that I don't have the priesthood keys, the mantle a bishop.

Something that happened to me daily when I was bishop was that I would receive revelation about ward members—not revelation for them, but revelation about them. There is a difference.

I wouldn't receive a revelation that someone should go to school at a certain college in a different state, marry their old high school sweetheart, go on a mission to Bolivia, or do anything like that. (I think a prophet can receive revelation like that, though you don't hear about that much, except calls to serve missions.) I did however receive many spiritual insights about why a person was feeling and acting a certain way and what I could do and say to help and encourage them.

Often I was prompted to make a phone call or to pay a visit to a home and ask them to come in for a visit. Sometimes I felt inspired to share the insight I received and sometimes the Spirit restrained me. The majority of people I shared these revelations with received the spiritual messages eagerly, often with tears. I knew where those promptings came from and so did they, and we enjoyed sweet communion together in the presence of the Lord and His Spirit.

I think this is thing I miss the most.

A few did not receive such revelations well. A few rebuffed me. Not many, but a few. That was sad and it still is. But I am not ashamed to have said what I said, though I still feel embarrassed by the tears I shed in their presence.

I still feel insight come to me about people—probably because I still care about them—but it is different. I don't have the opportunity or place to share it, nor, without priesthood keys, do such impressions have the same bearing as they once did. But those feelings and insights and impressions have not left me. I did not expect this.

Now I must be satisfied with foyer friendships and handshakes in the hall. With most ward members, this is the connection I have with them. That's all I've got, though in the not so distant past, I was in their homes, I presided at their blessings and baptisms and ordinations and funerals. I went to the temple to plead before the Lord for them. I prayed with them and wept with them.

I think this is the hardest thing about being released as a bishop.

Forgiveness and the Scoutmaster

2011-07-08T05:27:00.001-06:00

Last week I attended a devotional. One of the speakers shared this story from her personal circle of experience.

A Scoutmaster name Spark took his troop snowcaving—building a snow cave and camping in it. They had a wonderful time and all the boys returned home little worse for the wear.

But one of the Scout's mothers was outraged. She stormed over to the Brother Spark's home and demanded an explanation of how the he could expose her son to the dangers of the elements, putting her boy's life in danger.

The Scoutmaster did his best to explain why he chose the activity, but the mother would have nothing of it. She told the bishopric that the man should be released from Scouting and excommunicated from the Church. Of course, the bishop didn't proceed on that recommendation. The woman would not talk to the Scoutmaster for many years.

Several years down the road, however, the woman's son entered military service and was on maneuvers in Korea. He had to camp in the snow. He wrote home to tell his mother how grateful he was for his experience in Scouting and how snowcaving as a boy had helped him survive the snow in Korea. He said that while other soldiers were suffering from frostbite and exposure, what he had learned in Scouting had saved him from a lot of suffering. He told his mother that she owed Brother Spark an apology.

Letter in hand, the woman walked over to Brother Spark's home and asked his forgiveness. Of course he granted it (or already had) and the years of a strained relationship were healed.

When we judge and condemn another, when we withhold our forgiveness, we give the enemy of our souls power over us. He uses ignorance to drive a wedge between people. Whenever we get angry, we can count on the fact that we are missing information and that the father of lies will take advantage of that gap to create contention and anger and misery.

Forgiveness it seems is more of a blessing to the offended than to the offender. It is not in our power to right all wrongs because we cannot control (nor would we want to control) the agency of others. But if we let go of our pride, in spite of what anyone else has done or not done, we can possess our souls in patience (Luke 21:19) instead of letting a dark spirit possess them.

Forgiveness is faith in action. It requires great trust in the Lord and great patience. Forgiveness opens the door to the prison of our mind and sets us free.

P.S. Please see my post about my seven deadly money sins which I also wrote today.

Why I Still Believe in America

2011-07-04T23:46:00.005-06:00

I believe in the principles upon which this nation was founded, namely that her people have the right to—

"Assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them...That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness...And [that] for the support of [these rights], with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we [may] mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor." (The Declaration of Independence.)

I still believe in America, in spite of her flaws. I believe in her people, many of whom are honest and good. I believe in her form of government, even though it is embroiled in conflict and burdened by debt.

I believe that God created this land, the very ground under our feet, and that He has inspired and will inspire honest though imperfect men and women to establish this nation.

We have committed many errors, individually and collectively, morally and politically, but He will still accept us as a nation if we recognize that:

"This is a choice land, and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall be free from bondage, and from captivity, and from all other nations under heaven, if they will but serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ..." (Ether 2:12.)

I say "God bless America" but at the same time, I know that God does not and will not bless evil deeds and intentions. I pray that He will plant in our hearts, in both the faithful and the faithless, a desire to do good to all, to turn from pride and conflict, to unite against all forms of tyranny, of mind, body or spirit, but especially the tyranny of false ideals and self-centeredness.

America, I believe in you.

P.S. By the way, today I also wrote a personal declaration of financial independence.

A Date Six Months in the Making

2011-07-03T07:47:00.005-06:00

Last Friday I finally pulled it off.

In the fall, we visited Squaw Peak lookout which has an amazing view of Utah Valley. When we were up there, I had an idea for a date. I thought of bringing our bistro table and chairs up there and adding a little romantic spice to an evening.

I didn't tell my wife what we were doing or where we were going on Friday. She had a lot of questions and a big smile on her face. I had to fend her off and disassemble the table so I could hide it and the chairs (and everything else—plates, napkins, tablecloth, goblets, candle) in the trunk.

We stopped at a local health food store and while she stayed in the car, I got a bottle of pear juice, some multi-grain crackers, and two raw desserts.

As we drove up Squaw Peak road, of course my wife figure out where we were going. But she was still surprised by what I pulled out of the trunk.

When I set everything up, I realized I had forgotten the forks. I left them on the kitchen table. Rats.

Well, my wife wasn't disappointed that I had forgotten the utensils. We managed. We had a great time. We stayed for about an hour, until the sun was well below the horizon. We talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company.

Our 32nd anniversary will be next month. We are still deeply in love. We have had a difficult life, especially recently, but we have each other. Our finances and health are not fully intact, but our relationship is and I'd rather have that intact than the other two, so I am grateful for the nature of our trials. They are more bearable when you have a loving, faithful and understanding companion.

We our figuring our how to get back on our feet financially and health-wise. We are doing it together and that's the best way.

The Death of Masculinity (Part 1)

2011-07-01T17:33:00.005-06:00

Some days, I think masculinity is dying. It certainly is misunderstood, perhaps most by we men ourselves. Over my lifetime, I have seen good examples of masculinity at it's best, and more examples of it at its worst.

I have a point of view on this that I feel prompted to share. I know I don't have it all right. But maybe someone will benefit from reading this. I hope so.

This is my opinion. It is not the result of scientific research. It is the result of a lot of observation and soul searching.

I'll start out by telling you what I don't think masculinity is.

The other day, I was in a public place and overheard a man talking to his wife on his phone. He was, well, commanding. He was telling his wife exactly what to do—with their children, and where she exactly was to meet him. It made me feel a little sick to my stomach.

Granted, every relationship has different dynamics. I never heard her talk to him. Maybe they yammer back and forth at each other like that all the time. Maybe the wife likes him to totally take charge. I don't know. I don't mean to judge the man or his invisible wife. I don't know enough to judge them (and I never will). But I can make an observation.

I love the insight found in Alma 38:12:

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love...

I think masculinity should be bold but not overbearing. I think masculinity keeps its passion under control for the benefit of others which makes love possible, makes it grow. I believe (but do not know) that the man on the phone was being overbearing. Overbearannce, to me, shows disrespect and unkindness and selfishness. I hope that was not the case with the man on the phone, but it might have been. If so, I am sad for his wife. I am sad for all wives, women, and children who are treated this way by men. I believe it is a false masculinity.

To me, Christ is the ultimate example of true masculinity, which I think is a godly character trait. Bold yet tender. Kind but fearless. Determined yet willing to submit to the will of His Father. Obedient without being self-righteous. Full of integrity yet uncondemning. These are a few of the characteristics that I see as masculinity at its finest.

Both men and women have both masculine and feminine traits, though the former is predominant in men and the latter in women. I am attracted to femininity. I grew up in a cowboy culture, and over the years I ran into cowgirls who had traded in their femininity. I am not talking about women who ride and rope and adopt the cowboy way of life. I am talking about women who adopt a false masculinity and who are vulgar and mean and rough and rude. False masculinity is a self-deception, whether adopted by men or women.

But there is another aspect of this I want to talk about.

I think masculinity is dying because of what I observe in the traits of a lot of young men. Not all, but some. Maybe too many. They are not bold in their relationships with women. They don't ask girls on dates. They wait for the girl to initiate "the relationship." They don't risk putting themselves out there. They don't pursue girls.

Girls don't like this. Just ask an unmarried woman in her mid-twenties. Then be prepared to listen to the answer. These sentiments are all but universal. I have talked to many teenage girls and young adult women. Most of them have similar complaints to the ones I outlined in the previous paragraph.

Girls like masculinity. They are attracted to it. I am talking about true masculinity as a reflection of a commitment to Christ. They are wondering what happened to it. I don't know. I don't know what to tell them. I wish I knew.

Some of you single men reading this have been hurt, deeply hurt, and it is hard for you to get back into the dating mode after the pain. I am not talking about you. I have experienced that kind of hurt. It makes you gun shy. I understand.

Maybe the younger generation hasn't seen enough good examples of how to be masculine. Maybe our older generation has let them down. I don't know. I am looking for answers. I want to hear your opinions. I want to get my head around this issue.

If you don't see any evidence of what I am talking about, please speak up and give me hope. If you disagree with what I have said, let us all hear from you. If you agree, I want to hear from you, too.

In closing this post, I want to say that I am deeply grateful for my two sons-in-law who I think both are great examples of true masculinity. Thank you. I love you. Our daughters are in good hands.

To be continued...

(See Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.)

Due to Illness, Father's Day Was Postponed

2011-06-28T20:11:00.004-06:00

I was sick again over Father's Day weekend, so we postponed Father's Day until the next Sunday, at least the celebration, food and fun part of it. My wife should be sick of me being sick, but she isn't. She is uncommonly patient. It means a lot to me.

On the Friday night before Father's Day, I had what we think was a gall bladder attack. It lasted for two days. Have you ever had one of those? You can't sleep. You can't relax. You can't sit or lie down, not for long anyway. It hurt so bad I was yelling. A little. (Have you ever yelled while you were praying?)

My wife had one of those attacks years ago. Now I understand. With real experience comes understanding. And compassion.

I am better now, I am grateful to say. But I am still losing weight. I have lost almost 40 pounds. My wife thinks I have bird legs. She's right. Chirp.

We bought some new jeans last Friday night. I got them home and realized that I had gotten jeans with a size 33 waist when I had meant to buy 34s. I have had a size 36 waist since I was in my early forties. I was a size 34 when I was in my 30s, and I haven't been able to fit into pants with a 33 waist since I was in my 20s. The size 33 pants fit me fine. It feels a little strange. I don't know where the bottom is.

I continue to eat vegetables most of the time. For my Father's Day meal (made last Sunday), my wife made California grilled veggie sandwiches roasted on mesquite wood (yum), a cucumber salad with raspberries (yum), guacamole and flax/corn chips (yum), and chocolate "nice" cream made with cashews (double yum). I was spoiled and very full. It takes a lot of vegetables to get full, but my wife seems to be succeeding at that. It's hard to stop eating. And why stop? The nutrient-to-calorie ratio is high—meaning I get a ton of nutrition but not a ton of calories. That explains the weight loss for the most part.

I want to make a confession. When I had my relapse three weeks ago, I was in so much pain that I started taking Prednisone again. I was afraid of the pain and of being non-functional (non-working) again. So I am "artificially flavored" for right now. It is a low dose, so I don't notice it as much as the high dose I took back in May. I tell myself I am rebuilding my immune terrain through better nutrition, even though I am taking my prescription again. I hope I am right about rebuilding. I hope when I go off the drugs again that I don't fall apart once more.

I got some wonderful gifts for Father's Day. A short sleeve white shirt. A big jar of kimchi (one of my favorite foods). A cool machete. (My wife and kids are still wondering why I wanted it. It's a boy thing.) A tie in a color I love. And some coupons from my youngest daughter. Here are the coupons, good for:

An adventure
1 mowing of the lawn (already redeemed)
2 hours of slave labor
1 new tie
A song written just for you (looking forward to that)
One watching of Howards End without complaining (my favorite movie)

Even if I had to wait a week, it was worth waiting for.

Friday Night Is Date Night

2011-06-26T10:16:00.003-06:00

What did you do on Friday night? We went on a date. We often do on Fridays.

We talked about going to Soul Surfer, but the temperatures were so nice, we decided to go on a picnic instead, just the two of us, at a park down the street from us. Our 16-year-old daughter was out-of-town at youth conference.

We had sweet potato oven fries and veggie sandwiches made on raw onion bread. We sat on the grass on a quilt made by my old ward for our wedding over 30 years ago. We talked and laughed. We took a walk around the park barefoot, holding hands. We brought our croquet set and played a game under the shade of maple trees.

Later we went out for "dessert." We went to a local health food store and bought some stevia-sweetened soda. The drinks were not chilled, so we stopped at a gas station and bought two plastic cups with ice for $0.25 each ($0.53 with tax).

We poured our soda in the car and had a toast. I noticed a couple of women in an SUV near us. They were watching us and smiling. I smiled back.

I told my wife our date felt like the kind of dates we had when we were courting and engaged.

These last few months have not been easy on us. I haven't felt good. I have been in pain and I haven't been the easiest person to live with or be around. I've been grumpy at times and have spoken an occasional poniard.

Moods don't last, though. I have my ups and downs. A lot of downs, actually, during the last four months. Feelings change, but commitment is one of the closest things we have to a constant in this life. Dating my wife and having fun together helps bring me back to the center line.

"I'm sorry" is important in a marriage, from both sides. Really meaning it, too. It's what brings us back. If you can't say you're sorry very often, it's probably pride that's keeping you from recognizing the need to be wrong regularly. And if you've got pride, you've got something to hide. Usually from yourself. Give it up and you'll be happier.

I am excited for next Friday night. How about you?

For the First Time in Six Months

2011-06-25T09:17:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, for the first time in six months, I was able to drive myself to the bus stop to go to work (I work one hour to the north) and to drive myself home when I got back. All because of a very kind friend.

A few weeks ago, I got a message on our home phone from this friend asking me to call him back. When I returned his call, he asked if I would like an old pickup he had, for free. He had bought it for parts for a few hundred dollars, but had decided to abandon it. He asked me if I wanted it. Of course I didn't hesitate to say yes.

We have had only one car for almost two years. With three drivers in the house, this has presented a bit of a challenge. Somehow we made it work, but not without occasional glitches. Now we have two vehicles. To have one of those be a pickup is frosting on the cake. What a blessing it is.

It took several weeks for my friend to get the truck ready to roll. He had all the wiring redone. He replaced belts and fluids. Installed new carpet and a CD player. He traded a tire dealer for new tires. He got a seat cover for the bench. He put a lot of TLC into his gift for no other reason than he only knows how to do things right and to be kind.

Admittedly, it's not the most attractive truck on the road. But you know, you shouldn't look a gift truck under the hood. It's a 1978 Ford F150 Custom. It's two-wheel drive. How many times has the odometer rolled over, I couldn't tell you. It's rusty and there's a leak in the exhaust manifold. But I love it and I am so grateful for it I could bust.

Ours is a true riches-to-rags story. I wish I could explain how it all happened, how our financial independence turned into ashes. But I can tell you the benefits of it. A true, deep, satisfying feeling of gratitude for the little things, for the goodness of God, for people who are inspired to take action.

I wish I understood how a person could be so kind, so perceptive of a need as our friend was. He has followed the Golden Rule. He has set an unforgettable example. He has given me hope that the world has not come totally off the rails, not yet.

Thank you. Thank you.

This Was a Big Surprise

2011-06-23T22:59:00.000-06:00

I only caught part of this last night on America's Got Talent. If you haven't seen it, you will love it; if you have seen it, it will be worth watching again.

Last Night at the Hospital

2011-06-21T22:48:00.004-06:00

Last night, I visited a friend at the hospital. He took Flight 13 off the back of a horse who was stung by a bee (or two or three). He got back on his horse and rode for a mile or so, but then he had to get off again and lie down. He had broken his back.

His horse crash story now tops any of mine, hooves down.

After two nights in the hospital, they did surgery on him on Monday, screwing his M12 vertebrae back together and fusing it with its neighbor with six screws. I saw the x-rays. They were eerie, but awesome at the same time. It's a guy thing.

My friend was flat on his back and in some considerable pain. He was talking about his new job and wondering if his boss would let him recover and continue his training, or if he would just say he had to move on.

Then my friend said this:

"Either way, everything will be okay."

Those words rang my bell, and I told him why.

When you get to the point where you accept where you are and who you are, and it doesn't matter what comes your way, and you just believe that things will be okay, to me, that is remarkable faith.

It struck me in the moment that what my friend had achieved in his faith was part of the reason why we come to this life, to learn that very lesson—that no matter what life throws at you, or even what curve balls you throw yourself, things can be okay again. Things can be better. We can be healed and made whole. We can recover. We can stand up again. We can choose to not give up.

It was an inspiring moment. I hope I never forget it, because I could be flat on my back tomorrow just as well as he.

The more time you spend flat on your back, though, the more time you spend looking up. And that's a good direction to be looking.

Reclaiming the Missing Diamond

2011-06-19T14:20:00.003-06:00

About a week ago, I looked down at my hand and noticed that one of the diamonds on my wedding band was missing. I don't know what happened to it. It could have fallen out anywhere. After wearing that ring for 32 years, losing that diamond makes me pretty sad. The chances of finding the diamond again are slim to none.

Originally, my ring had five diamonds in it. After our children were born, I imagined that the middle diamond, the largest, represented the Lord, and that the other four stood for my wife and three daughters. Now one of those is missing and it's bothering me. I can replace it, sure, to fill in the empty spot on my ring, but how can it be the same?

As I've thought about this for a few days, I've realized that we all have missing diamonds in our lives. Not precious stones, but the real diamonds: The people who mean the most to us.

Many of us have children who have slipped away. They've grown up. They've moved away or moved on to other pastures. Some have slipped away due to marriage or school, others through rebellion. It doesn't matter either way. We miss them and long for them, for what we once had or for what could be.

Our close friends or parents are separated from us by many miles and we feel like we have so little time to spend with them. And what about the friends and family that are very close to us physically, but who are separated from us emotionally. Even people living in our own homes. Some of us sleep next to our missing diamond every night, separated by miles of misunderstanding.

How do we reclaim what is lost to us, when our heart's desire seems completely out of reach? As simple as it sounds, patience and faith are the keys.

I take great joy in these words from the Prophet Joseph Smith:

All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it. . . . (History of the Church 5:361–362; see footnote 8.)

All losses will be made up to the faithful. That which has been lost to us, if it ever were ours, will be placed in loving arms again. Or perhaps its equivalent. Or perhaps something that has meant a lot to us here will be placed in it's proper perspective and accepted, just as it stands, with joy. I don't know how it will all work. But I trust and believe.

I have a friend who has a very deep regret. At the time he graduated from college, having met the girl of his dreams, he was preoccupied with his new career and wasn't ready to get married. He let her slip through his fingers. Now many years and several failed marriages later, he still thinks about the one that he let go, one who is now happily married to another and has a wonderful family. How will his loss be made up? I don't know, but I believe that God will comfort him, whether the loss was caused by his own choice, as he feels, or whether it was caused by the choice of others. I don't know how God will accomplish this miracle, but I know He will. We will have great peace, peace that will stretch across eternity. We won't have to look for what is missing any longer.

Of course, we must do all we can to recover what is lost, or, if necessary, leave it in God's hands, whatever the case or need may be. That's the tough part. Hanging on and not giving up. Not giving up or giving in. Not cashing out, imagining that God has failed us in some way.

I have many losses in my life, but I have to say most of those losses are temporal. I have the most precious possession in my hands already, a kind, beautiful, loving wife, and three wonderful daughters, all faithful in the gospel, all doing their best, independently, to live life as God would have them. I can't tell you how grateful I am for this, more grateful than anything. Having this, my other losses by comparison are trivial by any measure.

But I still have my losses. Dear ones I have loved but who have walked away from their covenants and promises. People who will not accept my efforts to love them, try as I may. Friends lost on the plains of regret, the tundra of choices that they cannot fix by themselves.

Nevertheless, I trust. I believe. I hope. I hold a bright vision in my mind of being reconciled and whole again with everyone. After I have done what I can, God will make up the difference. I know He can, and I know He will. That is my peace.

I don't know what is missing in your life, but there is no need to fear. The "restoration of all things" (Act 3:21) not only includes lost truth, doctrine and ordinances, but also your personal losses, however small. They will be acknowledged and your lost diamonds will be returned.

Adventures in Patience: Dealing with a Relapse

2011-06-12T13:37:00.001-06:00

I had to stay home from church today because I couldn't walk. Again. I don't like it when I miss church meetings. I always feel like I am missing out. Because I am.

An interesting part of my illness is that I am not assimilating or digesting protein well. A side effect of that for me is arthritis symptoms. The culprit this time? Too many nuts. I was hungry one morning last week at work, so I went across the street to Rite Aid and got myself a can of cashews and ate the whole can in one sitting. Oops.

For the last several months, I haven't eaten any meat because of this problem I have with protein. It's not that I don't like meat. I do. But for right now, I am eating meat and other proteins "sparingly" (D&C 89:12). For all the trouble it's given me, I probably will eat proteins sparingly for the rest of my life, except for vegetable proteins which I seem to process well.

No, we will not be having a barbeque for Father's Day next Sunday, unless we barbeque veggie burgers. The idea probably depresses you hardcore carnivores, but it makes little sense for me to eat meat now.

For the most part, I have had very positive results from having a meatless, but nutrient dense, vegetable based diet. (I can't take credit for the phrase "nutrient dense." I got it from Dr. Joel Fuhrman's book, Eat to Live.) I have lost a lot of weight and my BMI is in line again (right now, it's 25.1; 24.9 is normal weight). As I have said before, I am sleeping much better than I have in years, and I have much better mental clarity. My wife and daughter are doing the diet as well now. Hurray.

An interesting side effect is that I have this odd, blistering, itching rash. It is small but shows up on my face, chest, stomach, hands, and legs. As best we can tell, it is part of the cleansing process. Body fat that you have been carrying for awhile can store toxins and other foreign matter such as metals, hiding them away to protect your body and perhaps because your body doesn't know what else to do with them. When you lose that fat, the toxins, etc. have to find a way out of your body because there is no place left to hide. Apparently they are escaping through my skin.

I have drugs I can take to help with my symptoms—steroids and Allopurinol. The new prescriptions are sitting on the top shelf of our medicine chest in our bathroom. I am reluctant to take them because of all the side effects I get from drugs, plus I don't like feeling "artificially flavored," if you know what I mean, especially when I am at work. (I realize that some of you reading this post feel that you have no other choice but to take medications for your illness. I have been there and I don't think that's wrong. It's just that the drugs are way too hard on me and I have been forced to to seek a different path.)

It's amazing to me how good vegetables taste when you aren't eating junk food frequently like I was last winter. Your body craves the "instant gratification" foods when you have them too often. Now I am craving broccoli and romaine lettuce. No kidding. I have eaten three salads today.

I've had a set back, yes, but I am not really discouraged. It is inconvenient to be sure, but I feel like I am on the right track with my eating and making headway convincing my body to behave—most of the time.

It has come clearly to my conscience that when I eat unhealthy foods with abandon, I am not treating my body as a temple (see 1 Corinthians 3:16–17.) My faith is sacred, as well as my covenants. The House of the Lord is sacred. So is my body. (Note to self: Remember that one.)

I am happy that I have proven to myself that I have more self-control that I thought I did. That feels good, and puts the sacrifice and physical pain in perspective. I pray that I will have the strength to endure to the end eating this way. I know I will live longer and be able to accomplish more if I do.

Life is short so eat well.

Cross-Reference between Primary 7 Manual and New Testament Stories

2011-06-12T11:47:00.002-06:00

This morning I realized that it would be a nice option to show online videos from the New Testament Stories book when teaching Primary lessons from the Primary 7: New Testament manual so I made a cross reference of the lessons and stories/videos. (I am now teaching the Valiant 9 class at Church.)

If you click on the "online videos" link above, you will see where you can watch the videos online or download them. If you have a laptop, you can use it to show these videos in class when appropriate.

In addition to English, you will also find the stories in ASL, German, Spanish, French, Italian, Portuguese, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and Korean; however, videos are only in Spanish and English.

You can download this document from here.

Cross-Reference between Primary 7 Manual and New Testament Stories

View more documents from Michael James Fitzgerald.

Let Each Man Learn to Know Himself

2011-06-07T10:26:00.000-06:00

I discovered this hymn today and thought I would share it. It was hymn #91 from the 1948 LDS hymnbook.

Let Each Man Learn to Know Himself

Let each man learn to know himself;
To gain that knowledge let him labor,
Improve those feelings in himself
Which he condemns so in his neighbor.
How lenient our own faults we view,
And conscience's voice adeptly smother,
Yet, oh, how harshly we review
The selfsame failings in another!

(chorus)
Let each man learn to know himself;
To gain that knowledge let him labor,
Improve those failings in himself,
Which he condemns so in his neighbor.

And if you meet an erring one
Whose deeds are blameable and thoughtless
Consider, ere you cast the stone,
If you yourself are pure and faultless.
Oh, list to that small voice within,
Whose whisperings oft make men confounded,
And trumpet not another's sin;
You'd blush deep if your own were sounded.

And in self judgement if you find
Your deeds to others' are superior,
To you has Providence been kind,
As you should be to those inferior.
Example sheds a genial ray
Of light which men are apt to borrow,
So first improve yourself today
And then improve your friends tomorrow.

See Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Heber J. Grant, "Forgiving Others."

My Health Is Back Up to Speed, Almost

2011-06-04T09:07:00.003-06:00

For those of you who have asked, I am feeling much better, thank you. I really appreciate your concern.

I have been able to do more and more with each passing day and I am almost back to "normal," if there is such a thing for any of us. Maybe the correct term is better, much better.

We went back to the rheumatologist a few weeks ago and he confirmed his diagnosis: that it is not rheumatoid arthritis (phew!), but gouty arthritis, something I've dealt with for 10 years. The difference was that this one was a particularly bad case, an edge case, the most severe illness I have ever had.

To tell you the truth, though, I am much better off because of it.

Why?

Well, I am eating much better than ever before, not so much out of self-discipline but due to fear that I would ever bring such a thing on myself again. Honestly, it was my eating habits that brought it on. Yes, heredity has something to do with it, but if I had been eating better last winter, it would not have caught up with me.

We are surrounded by gastronomical temptations. The stores are full of prepared, processed, sweet foods that I dare not eat. At least not now. Most of you are probably not affected by these foods other than a bit of weight gain and perhaps the usual long-term risks. But I can't risk eating those kinds of things any more, at least not in the quantities I was eating.

After eating mostly vegetables for the last 7 weeks, I have to say, I am sleeping better than I have in years; my blood pressure is back to normal; I feel intense energy and more mental clarity than usual, and I no longer have the pot belly I sprouted between October and March. (My unresolved feelings were measured in unneeded pounds.)

I am committed to eating mostly nutrient-dense foods now. I would be foolish to give in and go back to my old slovenly habits. I have to think about what I eat if I want to enjoy life. Consider it nutritional repentance.

I have had issues with sugar for a long time. I have been accused of being a "candy head" for years, and it is true. I have had trouble staying away from sugar since I was a boy. Once when I was 9 or 10, the family doctor recommended that my parents take us kids off of sugar entirely. This torture continued for some months. In my desperation, I happened to find an errant box of powdered sugar in the pantry. I hid the box and a metal spoon in my room behind my bed. At night or other moments of stealth, I would take the box out of its hiding place and give myself one or two heaping spoonfuls of "Turkish Delight." Surprisingly, I was never caught except by my conscience.

There are so, SO many things I want to do that I haven't been able to do easily in the last while, like ride horses, go skiing, hiking, camping, mountain climbing, tussling with grandkids. I have to eat and live differently if I want to do those things, now and in the future.

My illness compelled me to be humble, and I am extremely grateful for that. I have a ways to go, but I am so thankful for all that God showed me in my desperate hours. He reminded me that the scriptures teach us to be grateful to Him in all things, not just the fun, happy, comfortable things (see D&C 59:7). I feel like a different person. My illness has been my teacher and friend. It is not a glamorous disease, but I'll take it for what it's worth—priceless.

Three Ways to Conquer Doubt

2011-05-29T21:15:00.001-06:00

Most all of us experience doubts from time to time. Doubts in matters of faith, doubts about the future, doubts about others, doubts about ourselves. And then we worry about those doubts as well. We worry about whether it's okay to have doubts at all.

First off, I don't believe that doubts are sins. I have never found a scripture that calls doubt sin. It is a weakness, to be sure, and weaknesses can (but not always will) lead us to worse things. But doubts are not sins in and of themselves.

What is doubt, anyway? I have a more positive view of doubt than some. I believe doubt is a sign that we are missing information and experience. Therefore, doubt is opportunity. It is a signpost that tells us where our efforts should be concentrated. Unattended, doubt is a vacancy sign inviting dark thoughts and dark moods to take up residency.

Here are three ways I have taken that sign down and turned doubt into a positive experience.

1. Turn each doubt into a prayer and plea for help. Instead of standing on the wobbly legs of doubt, kneel. If you have concerns about doctrine or leaders or the faithfulness of friends or the choices of your spouse, take it to the Lord and trust Him to answer you. I am reminded here of a a verse I have always loved since first I read it when I was a teenager:

Look unto the Lord in every thought; doubt not, fear not. (D&C 6:36.)

This year, our bishop asked each member of our ward to memorize Proverbs 3:5–6.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths.

Trusting the Lord in this way takes patience and perseverance, but I can promise you that He will help you find the answers you seek if you trust Him and look unto him in your doubts and fears.

2. Search out the information you are missing. I have found in my own experience that doubt grows when I fail to exercise my spiritual and intellectual muscles.

I remember many years ago finding a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that I did not understand. It troubled me. A lot. But I didn't stop there. I studied the verse and its background and context. Then I took it to the Lord. Earnestly. And then I waited.

One day shortly after, I was mowing the grass in our backyard and wham! the answer came to me. I had perfect clarity on the meaning of the verse. I knew the Lord had answered my prayer by His Spirit. I trusted that He would answer me, and He did. It was an unforgettable moment.

Since that time, I have always trusted that the Lord would help me to understand anything I did not understand, and He always does. My understanding is never perfect, but the Lord is always there to help. True principles never fail. We may fail, but true principles never do.

Remember this promise from the Lord in Matthew 7:7–8?

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

As Peter said in his second epistle: "The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward" (2 Peter 3:9). The Lord is not slack in his promises, though sometimes we grow slack in our search for truth and then blame our lack of success on Him. If you want to climb out of the pit of doubt, you have to climb the right ladder, the ladder of trust, honest inquiry, and patience.

3. Trust no one to be your teacher nor your minister, except he be a man of God, walking in his ways and keeping his commandments. (See Mosiah 23:14.) When you are seeking answers to your questions or doubts, don't rely on people full of doubt, negativity or criticism to answer your questions for you. Don't seek out the Chevy report on Ford. Don't rely on weak, spiritually sick, unforgiving or unhappy people to lift your spirits or to clear your mind of doubt. By all means offer them help, if they are willing to accept it, but don't let them be your teacher in spiritual matters.

True teachers, men and women of Christ, will always bear the hallmark of the fruit of the Spirit:

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (Galatians 5:22–23.)

When in doubt, search out the light and go towards it. Seek the path of peace. Those who prefer emotional turmoil or spiritual unsteadiness, who seem to want to plunge deeper into doubt than to rise above it, often use their misunderstandings to justify their secret behavior. Be kind and respectful to them, but don't follow them. "Let them alone: they be blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch." (Matthew 15:14.)

One other thing: the vacuum that willful transgression creates will be filled with doubt. This kind of doubt takes more time to overcome, but the same principles apply though it may require an extra dose of patience with yourself.

If doubts are pursuing you, turn around and face them with trust in God, faithful inquiry, and turning toward those who have the fruit of the Spirit to help you. If you do, I promise God will not fail to help you resolve all doubt and bring you to a clear day on the mountain top.

One Piano, Two Guys, 100 Cello Tracks

2011-05-18T20:28:00.001-06:00

This video just came out yesterday. It's another collaboration between Jon Schmidt (piano) and Steven Sharp Nelson (cello). It's a little more upbeat than the last two music videos I posted. I hope you like it. I guess it's music week on my blog.

Eric Whitacre's 1,752 Voice Virtual Choir Perform "Sleep"

2011-05-15T21:47:00.000-06:00

Last month Eric Whitacre released another virtual choir video—1,752 voices from 58 countries—performing his composition "Sleep." Like the virtual choir that did "Lux Aurumque," this touched me deeply. I expect even more amazing things to come from Eric in the future.

Here are the lyrics, written by Charles Anthony Silvestri:

The evening hangs beneath the moon
A silver thread on darkened dune
With closing eyes and resting head
I know that sleep is coming soon

Upon my pillow, safe in bed
A thousand pictures fill my head
I cannot sleep my mind's a flight
And yet my limbs seem made of lead

If there are noises in the night
A frighting shadow, flickering light
Then I surrender unto sleep

Where clouds of dreams give second sight

What dreams may come both dark and deep

Of flying wings and soaring leap

As I surrender unto sleep
As I surrender unto sleep

I hope this choir moves you like it did me. I listen to it over and over again. It is like a glimpse of heaven and I can't get enough of it.

Eric Whitacre's 185 Voice Virtual Choir Performs 'Lux Aurumque'

2011-05-13T23:23:00.002-06:00

Even though this video was published a year ago, I just became aware of it this week. I was so moved by it—both the music and the choir itself—I had to share it.

The lyrics come from a Latin translation of an English poem.

Light,
warm and heavy
as pure gold,
and the angels sing softly
to the newborn babe.

–Edward Esch

Lux,
calida gravisque,
cura velut aurum,
et canunt angeli
molliter modo natum.

–Latin translation by Charles Anthony Silvestri

I hope you enjoy this powerful musical experience.

Almost Half Speed: One Day at a Time

2011-05-08T21:43:00.002-06:00

I am happy to report that I was well enough to return to work for two days last week. I was so grateful to go back after being off sick for three weeks. I admit, I felt a little odd being there. It was eerie that my desk was just as I had left it. I hadn't shut down my computer on that last day I left work. I had left some papers out on my desk that night, too, which I rarely do.

Back in October, my diet changed. I felt depressed about being released as bishop, though I was in denial of that. I kind of let go of common sense for a while. I was eating a lot of sweets and processed foods, and as a result, I was somewhat "calorically enhanced" for a time, if you know what I mean. That is one of the main things that I believe led to a flare up of what we now think is rheumatoid arthritis. The flare lasted three months.

In an effort to get better, I am eating vegetables, nuts and seeds almost exclusively now. I know you think I am crazy, but I am sensitive to foods that will likely never bother you. I know that might sound like a tough diet, but there is little that is more important to me right now getting my immune system calmed down, so I am giving it every reason I can to get back into shape by feeding it all the right things.

I was also able to go back to the gym and work out yesterday. Well, I say that tongue in cheek. It actually was a very light work out, but every step on the treadmill was a gift. It felt amazing to be there.

We also went to the Provo Temple yesterday as a family. I was able to baptize and confirm our daughter in behalf of several of our ancestors. When I stepped into that font, I felt like I was stepping into the pool of Bethesda.

I continue to think often of those I've known over the years who couldn't return to work or normal life after having a serious illness or accident. It is difficult for me to comprehend how difficult that might be.

A serious illness can be a life-changing experience, even a sanctifying experience. My outlook on life has radically changed. It felt like I passed through the valley of the shadow of death. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. I don't know. But I feel like I have been resurrected.

One thing for sure is that I have much more to be grateful for than I ever would have imagined. It is hard to take for granted the things I took for granted a few weeks ago.

A Quiet Mother's Day

2011-05-08T20:21:00.001-06:00

We had a quiet Mother's Day today. Our oldest daughter lives in Texas, our second oldest daughter was in Idaho this weekend for her brother-in-law's missionary homecoming, and our youngest daughter, who is still at home with us, was sick. Cristi and I ate our dinner alone, but we ate well.

We shared raw "tempura" vegetables and a big salad. Cristi had a couple of slices Amy's Organic pizza (her request) and a dry rhubarb soda. She also had lots of chocolate, in waves. The latest wave was a small box of Godiva chocolates, which is her favorite kind, if you must know. I also made the filling for a raw key lime pie. We haven't gotten to dessert yet because we are so full.

I remembered today something my wife said one Mother's Day. "All I want for Mother's Day is for my children to do what they are supposed to do when they are supposed to do it." In fact, I think she has wanted that since our oldest child was old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. Doesn't that sound just like something a mom would say, or something a mom would want?

Even more than chocolate, my sweet wife wants our children to be happy and successful and faithful and free. That's just like her. Her heart's desire always involves some good wish in behalf others. That's just like her, too.

For lots of moms, Mother's Day is hard. For many women, Mother's Day is a reminder that, for some reason, God has withheld their heart's desire from them—marriage, or a happy marriage, children, or obedient children. Mother's Day represents a lot of heart ache for many women and mothers.

Let me offer one small thing today to all women. I think one reason why you ache so much is because you care so much. That is the miracle of who and what you are. And that, I think, is the true measure of your ultimate success, your inability to not care.

You will not be judged by the agency of others but by the pure beauty of your heart. God bless you, all of you, for reminding us of what heaven is like and what it will be like.

Whatever you heart's desire, it will come to you if you patient enough to receive it in small doses.

Update: Life at Quarter Speed

2011-05-04T19:10:00.002-06:00

This morning we finally made it to a rheumatologist, a specialist in diseases of the joints, muscles, and bones.

After a rather thorough exam, he did not offer a final diagnosis but did admit that what he thinks he is seeing is rheumatoid arthritis, particularly palindromic rheumatoid arthritis, a systemic inflammatory disorder that moves around a lot.

He said that a lot of the symptoms that I've labeled as gout are probably rheumatoid arthritis. My gout medications have helped to mitigate the symptoms, but could not fix the problem.

We should have a solid diagnosis in a couple of weeks. Overall, I am quite pleased. I now have a target to shoot at.

My inflammation has been so high for several months that I finally consented to take a round of prednisone, a steroidal drug. I have only taken a few of them, but I already can feel the inflammation backing off. It is definitely something I don't want to be taking for a very long time, but after three months of pain, I am grateful for the relief.

The cause of the inflammation is an overactive immune response—an autoimmune response. Both my mother and brother have had autoimmune disorders, so it is not a real leap for me to accept that I could have one, too. But I have a lot of hope. This disease is episodic, or at least it is for me at this point. And I know there are a lot of good things I can do to fight the long-term effects.

I am really looking forward to returning to work and the gym. I am really grateful for all the help I have received to get me through this time. Thank you for your prayers, your help, your kindness and your Christ-like examples. They have carried me a long way.

Life at Quarter Speed

2011-05-01T20:51:00.001-06:00

On April 13, I came home from work and collapsed. I have not fully recovered. We are not certain what all is wrong with me, but it appears to be some sort of autoimmune response. The ER doctor said, "Nobody has that many things wrong without them having an autoimmune disorder." I have an appointment with a rheumatologist this week.

When I see myself in the mirror, I feel a little scared. I have had a rash around my mouth and the skin is dry and scaling. I have lost nearly 30 pounds. I walk with a cane. A few days ago, the cane was a necessity just to move about. Now it is mostly for stability.

It is a little embarrassing to be seen in public when you look like "a tattered coat upon a stick" (Yeats, "Sailing to Byzantium"). My appearances are brief and self-conscious.

Living life at quarter speed gives you time to think. I find myself thinking only of things that are genuinely important after catching a glimpse of the doorway to oblivion. Have you ever been in so much pain that you think to yourself, Is it my turn to get off the train?

I am deeply grateful for a determined wife who knows how to care for a sick person, even when he can be frustrating. I am also grateful for children who truly care about their father and know how to say "I love you" and mean it.

I am grateful to get my blood pressure back to normal. I am grateful to have lost a few pounds (well, more than a few), even if it was due to my newly discovered weight loss program. I'll call it the "Cataclysm Diet."

I am grateful for many thoughtful, concerned and generous friends. Thank you all for your kindness, service and prayers. I am thankful for my darling Primary kids who enjoyed playing with my cane during sharing time today and weren't frightened to see me. (Sorry for the delay in our class party.)

I have been thinking of more ways to be kind to others, of doing more of the important things and less of the less important things. I have been thinking about how nice it will be to walk normally again, and about friends and loved ones who knew they would never walk again. I am grateful to have had my eyes opened.

I have been thinking of how God turns disasters into blessings, if only we are willing to exchange "beauty for ashes" (Isaiah 61:3).

I have been thinking that a snowstorm, even when it disturbs our dreams of springtime, is not as inconvenient as a tornado. I have been thinking about friends who drive by our house (I can see them out our master bedroom window) and wonder what it will be like to live at three-quarter speed, even half speed, again.

I am especially grateful for "Jesus Christ...who knoweth the weakness of man and how to succor them who are tempted [tried and tested]" (D&C 61:1).

The Last Days of Jesus

2011-04-21T19:53:00.004-06:00

As we approach Easter this coming Sunday, I wanted to offer you something I have not offered before. In 1986 I began researching a book that I completed in 2009. Yes, it took me a long time to write it. It takes all the New Testament gospel accounts of the Savior's final week—from His entrance into Jerusalem to his Resurrection—and compares them word-for-word across landscape-oriented pages. It is 134 pages long.

This book is designed for studying the unique material that lies in the gospel accounts. It is not a book you would sit down and read, but it should help give you insight about all we know about the Savior's last days on earth.

Here is a sample of how the pages are laid out (the actual pages will be much clearer) :

You are welcome to download a copy of the book from this link: The Final Passover: A Word-Phrase Study of the Last Days of Jesus Christ. I will leave the link up for several days. [I have removed the link as of April 27, 2011. Thank you all for your interest in the book.]

Thank you all for your prayers. I certainly need them. I want to thank my wife for that last post. That was very sweet of her. She has been working herself tirelessly to care for me and I am so grateful to her.

I also need my Savior and I am thinking of Him a lot this Easter week. It is my testimony that He lives and that He alone can heal us, if we will not hide from Him or ignore Him.

United in Prayer

2011-04-21T08:49:00.001-06:00

This is Cristi, Mike's wife. I am a true believer in the power of prayer, especially when many are united in a focused purpose. May I humbly request your prayers in behalf of my husband who is quite ill. Without going into too many details, he has struggled for over two months with a gout attack and the pain that accompanies it. Along with it came several other things, i.e., a dangerous infection, a nasty rash, etc. A little more than a week ago, everything came crashing down, and this past weekend he spent an entire day at urgent care and the ER. The initial tests point to an autoimmune disease. In the meantime, he is in pain, has extreme fatigue, and has an extremely limited diet. He has been unable to work but has plenty he can do from home as soon as he can focus without so much pain.

Over the past week, many small things have happened that remind us that the Lord is paying attention to even the small details. We know He is near, and we are grateful for that. We're also grateful to those who serve us and show their love through words and acts of kindness. We are blessed.

General Conference and Children

2011-04-02T07:54:00.001-06:00

Well, it's another general conference weekend. I am excited for some spiritual renewal. I need it.

As the weekend approached, over the last few days, I've been thinking about when our children were small. We only asked them to sit with us for just one of the four sessions of conference. We did not require them to stay in the room with us beyond that.

My wife made conference binders for them with pictures to color, cutouts of the faces of general authorities, bingo cards that they could fill out with candies. They could eat the candies anytime they got a bingo. I remember that bingo was one of their favorites.

My wife and I almost always watched all the sessions of conference, often with our scriptures and notebooks handy. We didn't do this out of obligation. We did it because we really wanted to. We did it because we knew if we listened in reverence, our hearts and minds would be healed. We set aside our normal weekend madness so that we could drink in the words of life.

An interesting thing happened. Even though they weren't required to sit with us beyond a single session, our children would stay with us anyway. We'd say, "You don't have to watch this session. You can go play if you want." But they'd stay in the room with us, quietly coloring or playing another round of conference bingo.

I don't fully understand why the three of them chose to be such good conference watchers. Two of them are adults and one is a teenager now and they still are very dedicated conference watchers. Both adults are married with little people of their own.

One thing I know is that you can't hide who you really are from your children. Maybe you can keep them in the dark for awhile, but eventually you'll be found out. And it will have an effect on them. Nothing affects them more than who you really are.

That's scary to me. I see my bad habits and wobbly attitudes perpetuated in my children. I also see my good habits and faith in them too. Ultimately they will choose, but when you really care about something, or don't care about something, it leaves an impression on them that cannot be easily erased.

I hope you have a wonderful conference weekend!

Overcoming Writer's Block

2011-03-29T16:16:00.005-06:00

Writer's block is a common illness. Most of us suffer from it at one time or another. It is a unique form of fear—exposing our true selves to others—that hides in nearly everyone's closet.

Even if you don't think you write all that often, it's surprising how often life calls upon you to put pen to paper, or fingertips to keyboard. You might have to write a simple email or a brief report at work. It might be something as short as a Facebook status or as long as a dissertation.

When's the last time your boss asked you to give a presentation? How often do you write in your journal? Have you started your life history yet? How often are you called upon to—start hyperventilating—give a talk?

I hear a lot of people say, "I can't write" or "I'm not a writer." But how often do the circumstances of everyday life require you to write? For many, it's more often than we'd like. You can't run forever.

There is help, of course. Consider these words from the Book of Moses:

And then began these men to call upon the name of the Lord, and the Lord blessed them; and a book of remembrance was kept, in the which was recorded, in the language of Adam, for it was given unto as many as called upon God to write by the spirit of inspiration; and by them their children were taught to read and write, having a language which was pure and undefiled. (Moses 6:4–6; italics added.)

There is a promise in those verses to those who call upon God. They are promised that they will write by the spirit of inspiration. I am very grateful for that promise.

You and I witness this almost every Sunday. A new deacon, for example, gets up to give his first talk in sacrament meeting. He has written the talk himself, with little help from his parents. He prayed for help when he wrote it and he prayed for help when he gave it. Though his voice may be quiet or halting, you can hear the touches of inspiration and power that come through the words he's written. It's a fulfillment of the promise given in Moses. We can count on that help, if we call upon God in faith.

One reason why writing is so scary I think is because writing is commitment. There is something about it that requires a decision, a commitment, to put ourselves out there. When we write anything, whether we realize it or not, we are saying, "This is who I am." That is scary.

I wrote a novel about 20 years ago. I didn't like it when I was done so I set it aside. There really wasn't that big of a problem with the book. The big problem was me. And giving up too soon on my book and myself.

For years I've read about successful writers who get to a point in their writing where they just trust their inner voice. I've wrestled with that in the past. But now I think I know what they were talking about. I've learned to ask, "What's next?" and then listen. The answer always comes.

The difference between how I used to write and how I write now is simple: I trust that voice when I write, and I don't believe that voice comes from me. I think it comes from a Divine source. Not that my writing is always divine, but that the inspiration behind it often is because I ask for it.

When I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I wrote a story called "1983" (not to be confused with George Orwell's 1984). I am grateful that my mother saved this and a few other papers from my childhood. I think I can remember the night I wrote it. I sat at our dining room table. I wrote "To Dad" at the top of the first page. It was four pages long, illustrated (see the illustration from page 4 above). I remember giving the story to him. I don't remember what he said, only that he smiled and was complimentary.

I don't think it was a school assignment because there are no marks on it. I just wrote it because I wanted to. I wasn't afraid. The story had lasers and a giant hand and a character named Dick (well, it was the 1960s). And a rather gruesome ending, I am sorry to say.

I remember that I didn't have a lot of social fear in those days. I had some but not a lot. I was content to be who I was and to express it. The incongruity crept in a couple years later and I went into hiding.

But I've kept writing. I did well in writing and literature classes in high school and college. I have a bookshelf full of journals. I majored in English and took up writing as a career. I love it. It is an endless pursuit. I never tire of writing nor will I ever retire from it, though I may receive advice to the contrary.

Overcoming writer's block is a simple formula for me. Ask. Trust. Receive. Do something about it. Repeat.

It always works. It takes patience, but it never fails. Correct principles correctly applied always work. If we are patient enough to apply them.

I wrote another novel last year. I am in the middle of the fifth draft. I believe in this book. I believe in myself. It's working. I haven't had this much discretionary time in 15 years. I plan to not waste it.

A kind mother in our ward read the third draft to her eight-year-old daughter a few weeks ago. The girl made her mom stay up quite late one night to finish reading it so she could find out what happened. It still has plenty of wrinkles, but I am ironing them out daily, relentlessly. Relentless, I have discovered, is what makes things happen.

In other words, don't give in. Never give up. Keep trying to express what's inside of you, in whatever form is best for you. Writing is the universal way to do that.

When was the last time you sat down at the dining room table to write a story, just because you wanted to?

Stop worrying about what other people will think. You are a fabulous person. You deserve to be heard.

Praying with One Eye Open

2011-03-24T17:00:00.002-06:00

Years ago, when I was working at an electronics company as a writer, my boss told me this story.

He said that they invited the pastor of their church and his family to join them for dinner. After they said grace over the food, my boss's son spoke up, pointing out a transgression of one of the pastor's children, a daughter if I remember right.

"She had her eyes open during the prayer!" he said.

My boss chuckled and asked, "How could you tell that she had her eyes open during the prayer unless you had your eyes open?"

The boy had a clever answer: "Well, I had one eye opened and one eye closed."

Isn't it funny how we pick out our own weaknesses in others and condemn them? Maybe you remember this scripture from Romans 2:1:

Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

Why do we do that? I think we do it to try to skirt responsibility for our own actions. It is difficult to forgive others and to take responsibility for our own actions when you are judging them or blaming them.

The best thing we can do is to stop judging them. But how?

We don't judge unless we first have pride in our hearts. Pride exists, at least in part, to protect our egos, the overinflated part of ourselves that pops with barely a pinprick.

We don't blame others unless we first judge them.

We don't get angry unless we first blame others for our difficulties.

The key is to deal with our pride—then downstream troubles seem to fade away.

The antidote to pride is humility. Humility comes from honesty and integrity. That is, the willingness to look at ourselves clearly and to see ourselves as others do, especially those who are closest to us. Part of humility is the willingness to ask yourself and others, "How can I be a better parent or husband or wife? If you are willing to listen to the answer, either from the Spirit or from a friend or spouse or family member, then you will make progress.

I know that some think that as soon as you recognize humility in yourself, you lose it. But I don't believe that is true. Remember what the Savior said about himself? "I am meek and lowly of heart"? (Matthew 11:29.) I don't think Jesus lost His humility by recognizing these qualities in Himself. How can you become truly humble unless you can recognize what it is and see it (or the lack of it) in yourself?

The next time you are watching to see if someone else is praying with their eyes open, remember something that Jesus said:

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3–5.)

I hope I can become more humble and learn to not judge others. I've got a long way to go, that's for sure.

What She Learned after Raising Her Children

2011-03-22T17:00:00.000-06:00

Recently a high councilor spoke in our sacrament meeting and shared the following 20 points on raising children. They were from a beloved aunt, dated December 22, 2010, and are well worth your consideration if you're still raising kids or grandkids:

Remember that people are more important than projects.
Always drop what you're doing and listen when your children need to talk.
Expect the best out of them.
Never allow disrespect. You respect them and expect the same. No, demand the same in return.
Love them unconditionally no matter what.
Listen as long as you plan to speak.
Pray before you handle a difficult problem and ask God to guide what you do and say.
Be honest, even if it hurts.
Be fair to those you deal with.
Remember that when you die, it won't be about earning money. It will be about what we do with our lives. What we'll have left is what we really are.
Forgive your children when they say things that hurt you (and they will hurt you), realizing that they [don't have] wisdom yet.
Stop and take time to laugh with them and play with them. You'll regret it if you don't.
Always tell them the truth, not matter what, and they will always want to seek your opinion.
Don't excuse your children for their bad behavior. Do what is best for them, not what is best for you. Ask yourself, "If I allow them to continue doing this, will it hurt their life?" If you answer yes, nip it in the bud before it blossoms.
Teach them how to work. Don't hand them things. Teaching them how to work hard is one of the best gifts you could possibly give them.
When you give things to them, do it expecting nothing in return and they'll give you everything they have that matters most in return.
Don't compare one child to another. They're all different and they'll remember that you said one is organized and the other isn't, and never forget it! Or that one has great hair and the other doesn't (just examples). They don't remember the compliment. They'll remember what you said they weren't good, at even if you [don't remember saying] it. All you said was the other child was good at something. They'll automatically think that means that you think they are not good at that. Complicated but true.
Be patient with them when they make mistakes. Remember that God did not put a 40-year-old brain in a 16-year-old child. They'll learn, even it's the hard way.
Don't smooth the way too much or you'll cripple them.
Realize that they are normal children with gifts just like other kids. Normal, but not superior to others. All of God's children are equal in His eyes.

I hope you enjoyed these tidbits of wisdom as I did.

You Don't Know What You Can Accomplish

2011-03-20T16:17:00.001-06:00

Last week, we went to a local restaurant as an entire family—all of our kids and grandkids. The restaurant had an arcade, too, and after dinner, we played a few games. My wife and I were playing skee ball. You can score between 1,000 and 10,000 points per shot, depending on where the ball lands.

While we were playing, my four-year-old grandson came along.

"Do you want to try?" I said to him.

Of course he did.

I handed him a ball. Without much thought, he threw it and up the ramp it went, and it landed smack dab in the 10,000 ring! One try, that's all.

He did not realize what he had done. I was laughing so hard, I could hardly talk for several minutes. When I leaned down and explained what he had accomplished with one shot, my little grandson wore the biggest smile. He was surprised, but also pleased with himself. I was stunned and thrilled for him.

I've noticed over the years that we can often accomplish far more than we think we can accomplish.

But, more often than not, we tend to limit ourselves. We believe the negative things we hear and accept them as true. Things we hear as children, teenagers, and even young adults. Things like "You can't do that. You're crazy." Or "Why don't you pick a different major. What are you going to do with that one?" Or "Why don't you try something more practical." We listen to our teachers and leaders and friends and siblings and parents and we find a safe zone where all attempts to stretch beyond our limits are hidden from the view of others. We back into our shell and close it tight.

When you're four, you haven't usually absorbed the negativity that floats freely around you. You are innocent and pure and see no reason to not try. But when you are 34 or 44 or 54, you are more and more guarded. You don't want others to see your weaknesses and you usually do a great job of camouflaging them. You are less and less inclined to try new things. You hide your true self from others, wearing what some call the social mask. You even hide yourself from yourself.

I was like that for most of my adult life. Then certain things came along that have shaken me to the core, things that forced me to believe in myself and to trust God like never before. I am sure the Lord has placed you in similar circumstances. Your strength and your willingness to try new things has grown out of loss and trials and even devastation, from pain so acute we hardly know how we will survive, and from facing those trials with faith.

In the aftermath of trials, we often learn that we can accomplish more than we thought we could, that we can be more than we thought we could be. We are often surprised at what we can do, like my little grandson was.

I believe you have a spark of divinity in you and that that spark can be fanned into a flame. I believe that the Lord is stretching you so that you can know that there is no end to what you can do if you believe in yourself and Him.

There is no reason to be hard on yourself. Yes, evaluate and change and repent when necessary, but don't beat yourself up. There is every reason to believe in yourself if only you will just be yourself.

I believe in you. I think you can do anything you put your mind to, "for with God, nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37).

A Eulogy for My Shoes

2011-03-08T22:17:00.000-07:00

These are my "bishop's shoes." They were the best dress shoes I have ever had. My wife and I bought them at Dillard's in the Provo Towne Centre the month after I was called as bishop. That was in December 2005.

But they are "plumb wore out." There was some good wear left on the soles, but the tops had holes in the them and the insoles were broken down to the point that the shoes were uncomfortable to wear.

I threw them away yesterday. They were too worn out to give away. They had far exceeded their life expectancy. I gave them a proper burial in our garbage can. (I also threw away a brown suit that was worn out beyond repair.)

I think I came close to walking (and sometimes running) about 500 miles in them, over the last five years. I was sad about giving them up. (I am probably the most sentimental person in our family.) I felt ungrateful to just dispose of them without a proper funeral. Consider this blog post a funeral for my shoes. In fact, here is a little eulogy for them.

After a courageous battle with life, a pair of vegetable-tanned Ecco dress shoes passed away March 7, 2011. They were born sometime in 2005. After a brief visit to the Springville Transfer Station, they were buried in the Bayview Landfill, 7 miles northwest of Elberta, Utah. The unnamed shoes were fraternal twins. They served their owner faithfully and without complaint for over five years. They will be greatly missed. There will be a permanent viewing on this blog, but no services will be held. In lieu of flowers, remembrances can be made to the missionary fund of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Why My Wife Needs Romance

2011-03-04T07:16:00.008-07:00

I'm not sure I really understand what romance is and how it all works. But I understand a few things about it, and I'm fairly certain what it is not.

It all started with Rome.

Rome, akin to Romance, is a city in the central, western region of Latium in Italy. Romance, in capitalized form, can refer to languages, as in the Romance languages French, Italian and Spanish, which all came from Latin.

A romance is also a medieval tale of chivalric love, with elements of legend, adventure and the supernatural. In fact, the German word for novel is Roman (pronounced roh-mahn). Chivalry comes from cheval, the French word for horse, and refers to a chevalier, a mounted man-at-arms in medieval times—a knight in shining armor!—known for bravery, gallantry, and nobility in battle and, on the homefront, self-sacrificing gallantry towards women. The modern and usually trashier version of the chivalric tale is the romance novel, which in its more explicit form is the kind of pornography that more often appeals to women than men.

The Romantic Era, which lasted from the late 1700s to about 1900, was a reaction to the Age of Enlightenment (1700s). The Romantic Era was a period that expressed through music, literature and visual art that strong emotion was valued as the authority through which we experience our world, above rational, orderly thought.

That's the academic version of romance. Most of it does not apply to my wife. She does not know French or Italian, nor has she studied medeival literature in depth nor has she to my knowledge ever read a romance novel. But she knows what romance is and she likes how it makes her feel.

I have collected over several decades some nonscientific, anecdotal evidence of what romance is, at least to my wife. I have arrived at three simple conclusions. Let's see if those conclusions match yours.

My wife loves to be swept away by a romantic moment, be it real or imaginary, and she loves it when I express genuine, heartfelt emotion towards her, especially when it requires some thought and preparation by me—thinking about her when I don't have to think about her, so to speak. She also loves it when I pursue her, when she has clear evidence that she matters to me more than anyone or anything in the world.

Here is a personal story. My wife loves long-stemmed, red roses. I am not sure I understand all the reasons why, but do I need to? Anyway, I have to leave for work usually at 5:30 AM, sometimes without seeing her before I leave. On Valentines Day last month (a Monday), I went to a store before I left for work and bought her a fresh bouquet of long-stemmed red roses, put them in a vase and left them on the kitchen counter along with a card full of lovey-dovey words that I really meant. She had to admit that in her morning fog she walked by those roses several times without noticing them, but when she finally did, she was thrilled to find them.

Why?

Well, it was a romantic moment and a surprise wrapped into one. She knew that I hadn't forgotten her love of red roses and she knew I had to plan and make an extra effort to accomplish the feat. As a consequence, she felt pursued and fully assured of my love for her, once again. It made her quite happy.

Why does my wife need romance? She could be happy without it. She could be happy without me. But nothing fulfills a woman more than knowing that she is truly special to someone else and that someone is devoted to her. Fulfillment can come in a lot of ways. Romance is not the key to happiness but it sure helps a relationship.

The world would be a much happier place if all men understood this and lived it. That's the ideal. That's heaven.

That's what I know about romance. I bet your wife feels close to the way my wife feels. It's tied up with the need to feel special, loved and assured. Often. It's tied up with knowing that I understand how she wants to be loved and that I willingly comply. I am thrilled to comply.

I'm in the game and I play to win.

And I don't do it to "win points." I do it because I adore my wife. To me, she is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on. I admire and appreciate her so much. I want her to know that I respect her and that her feeling loved is about as important as anything to me.

And how does all this make her feel? Towards me? Does she wonder if I love her or if she is number 1 in my life? Do I need to tell you how happy my life and marriage are?

Ladies first, except in romance. Men must, must, must lead out in romance. If you do, you won't be sorry. Neither of course will your wife.

(It takes two. If showing love to your wife in this way does not work in your marriage, you are not alone and I am very sorry. Please read my disclaimer—see the tab at the top of this blog.)

When You Feel Like Giving Up

2011-02-25T05:47:00.004-07:00

Over a year ago, a friend gave my wife a Christmas cactus. It sat on our kitchen counter for many months. Though my wife has taken good care of it since then, it never bloomed. There were no blossoms. It was just a verdant blob.

Then two months ago, on Christmas Eve, she was cleaning up in the kitchen, trying to make space on the counter. She decided to throw the Christmas cactus away because it had not produced a single bloom in twelve months. She pushed it across the counter top towards the garbage can.

Just as she was about to throw the plant away, she noticed something. It had an extraordinary blossom on it like the one pictured here. The bloom stopped her in her tracks. She did not throw the plant away and it now has a special place in our living room.

When you are just about to give up and throw in the towel, have you noticed that that is the time when something wonderful can happen. When you have been watching and caring for something patiently, sometimes that is when something amazing happens—like a flower blooming in winter—if we don't give up too soon and throw our dream out.

At last count, the Christmas cactus has nine more buds ready to bloom. We're keeping it.

As I wrote this, I thought of a verse from the 32nd chapter of Alma:

But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life. (Verse 41.)

If there is something you want, something you long for, and it is a good thing, like a loved one returning to worthiness and faithfulness or overcoming a bad habit or outlasting a trial, it takes patience to reap the reward, it takes the kind of faith that holds on under all circumstances with a smile on its face.

There were times that I thought all was lost, when things look bleak and hopeless, and then I turned around and saw a bloom in an unexpected place. I think the Lord likes to surprise us with unexpected blessings—especially when we strive to keep a good attitude, in spite of difficulties, setbacks, sorrow, suffering, deprivation or pain.

Then there are the other stories. You've seen them and heard them and lived them. Stories of giving up too early, then finding out that someone, maybe it was you, gave up just before the flower bloomed.

There is that dark underside. Sometimes people desire something unworthy over a long period and they get that, too. But such fruit, such a vision, always yields a bitter taste, though we may for a time claim otherwise. The Lord will grant our wishes eventually, whether those wishes are good or ill. It's part of agency. Our job is to make sure our wishes, desires and longings are looking through the right lens.

Worry is like that, too. It is like a longing, a prayer for what you don't want. And, as I heard Dr. Phil say once, "We create what we fear." Our thoughts can create what we don't want. Worry is a hungry wolf, trying to get inside the house of your dreams. Worry always shows us where our faith is absent and where we need to get to work. On the positive side, you can think of worry as a placeholder for your faith.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, if you are hanging on for something good to happen, keep hanging on. It will be worth it. If it is a pure desire, though the season be long, it will yield delicious fruit. It may take years. It may take a lifetime. But if it is a worthy desire, curbed by unselfishness, it will come to your doorstep at an unexpected hour. "Then...ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you." (Alma 32:43.)

Three Months after Being Released

2011-02-13T08:27:00.002-07:00

It's been almost three months since I was released as bishop. I wanted to tell you how things are going. They are different than I expected.

One of the great blessings that has come my way is my new job. I am now working full-time on contract for the Church on a large and challenging project. The project is very rewarding. I am able to use many of the technical skills I have learned over the last 10 or 15 years in this job. I have never had a job where all these skills have come together in concert. I have also never had a job where the spirit of revelation has been so strong, where the potential of the work has the possibility of blessing so many lives. This job has also been a financial blessing as well.

I have been writing a lot more, too. I wrote several drafts of Young Adult novel last year, and I am now completing the third draft. I take the bus to and from Salt Lake every work day and this allows me to get a lot of writing done—over 50 pages per week the last two weeks. (It also lets me get in some good naps, one of my favorite things!) I have been able to work on my novel every day since January 1, except Sundays. I should be done with this draft at the end of the month. I have a couple readers lined up to review it. I wrote a novel about 20 years ago. I think of that one as my practice novel. I feel a lot more confident in this one. I am having great fun with it.

I also love my new calling in Primary. I teach a Valiant 9 class. Those kids and my companion teacher are such a blessing to me. I really look forward to being with them on Sundays. They are so darling. And they know so much about the Church. Their parents are doing a great job bringing them up in the light of the gospel, and that fills me with great hope.

My health is also improving. I tested my blood pressure the other day and it has gone down about 30 points from its peak. I am not kidding. I won't go into the details, but I think my cortisol levels are much lower. I used to be the Cortisol Kid. Now life is rather, um, relaxing.

For example, I now get about one phone call a week on our home phone. When I was bishop, I used to sometimes get 20 calls a week. Also, I used to get about 20 to 30 emails a day, now I get an average of, maybe, less than five.

It seems like from the moment I was released, the intense trials that I had been entertaining for years were lifted. Most of the bishops I have known have been blessed both temporally and spiritually while they were bishops. Those blessings seemed to have been reserved for me until after I was released.

We all have trials of faith, no matter our station in life. Even if we don't have a lot of faith, that faith will be tested so it can grow. At the gym they call it resistance training. I experienced a lot of resistance while I was a bishop.

Our Heavenly Father is very economical. He doesn't waste any experience. He can turn any experience into a learning experience, unless we are too proud to let Him do that. Even then, even when we are proud or stubborn, we manage to learn, but the lessons come a little harder.

Trials are rewarding. It takes time to collect those rewards, but they are the pathway to learning and growth. I don't think there is any other way to learn the things we must learn on this earth. We all need spiritual resistance training. But if you are like me, you will appreciate your trials more after you are done with them. I look back on my years as bishop and call them the "best five years of my life." The trials were intense, but there were always spiritual blessings to match the temporal hardships.

There are some things I really miss about being bishop. The thing I miss the most is the connection I had with people in the ward. That is the thing I enjoyed the most—working with them and watching them work through their struggles and grow miraculously. A thing I thought would stop when I was released was the amount of time I thought about people, but I have found that I still continue to think about and pray for ward members everyday. I don't have a strong connection with them any longer, but I still care for them. A lot. I am also grateful that they are in such good hands—our new bishop is doing a wonderful job.

Every day after work, I walk right by the Salt Lake Temple on my way to the bus stop. When I look up at it, I am filled with awe and gratitude. I often see brides and grooms on Temple Square, too, and this always lifts my spirits. I am deeply grateful for my time as bishop, but I am also very grateful for a time of rest.

Healing the Couple

2011-02-09T21:10:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, I gave a presentation on intimacy in marriage to our ward. After the presentation, we gave a copy of the book And They Were Not Ashamed to every adult couple or single adult in the ward. This book, one of the best I have found on the subject of intimacy from an LDS perspective, was written by Laura Brotherson.

Some people thought I was crazy for doing this. Others were taken aback that I would suggest that one of the keys to happiness in marriage is getting intimacy right. But something I said then was that if you heal the couple, you heal the family. I still of course believe this.

A few would have nothing to do with the book. I think it brought up a lot of fear for them, and it was easier to just set it aside and bury it along with their feelings. Still others complained, as one visitor who asked a ward member, "Is that all your bishop talks about?"

To me, the negative responses didn't matter. I knew I had been clearly prompted to step out of my comfort zone—way out!—and present this book to the ward. I have learned this lesson the hard way: When the Lord inspires you to do something, ACT and act quickly or you will regret it. I have never for a moment regretted sharing this book.

(By the way, I have never received any compensation for promoting this book, and there are no affiliate links in this post.)

For most of those who were there that day, the book answered a keen need. Many ward members, especially women, expressed gratitude to me for sharing the book. It created a touchstone that had been missing. It helped couples talk about tender subjects. One husband told me that his wife went home after Church and read the entire book that day and then wanted to talk to him about it when she was done, at about 10 o'clock that night!

As a bishop, I never counseled anyone directly about their intimate relationships, only to seek the help that they needed from a qualified counselor or other worthy resources. However, one bit of general advice that I have shared with many people is that it is good to talk openly with your spouse about your personal feelings about everything, especially intimacy. It is sad to me that some couples don't feel comfortable talking about this subject. That is understandable, but it a barrier that needs to be crossed if you want to truly be one with your spouse as God intended you to be.

I admire the way Laura straightforwardly addresses a delicate topic and I love the way she documents what she has written with quotes from the scriptures, Church leaders and other Christian authors. If you are married and you don't have this book, I encourage you to get it (or the CDs—we have both). The book is both enlightening and encouraging. If you are looking for answers about your intimate relations, this book has answers. I endorse it without reservation.

How I Handle Regret

2011-02-06T10:29:00.001-07:00

We've been moving some of our things over the last few weeks, and I found a scrapbook from 2003. In the scrapbook was a copy of the first talk I gave in the ward we live in now. I gave it on Sunday, October 12, 2003. We had only been in the ward for two months. My topic was reverence.

In that talk, I told of one of my regrets. I was a student at Ricks College in Rexburg, Idaho, now Brigham Young University-Idaho. We had been married only a few years and we had a new baby. One Sunday at priesthood meeting (our ward met in the John L. Clarke Building), a sign-up sheet was passed around on a clipboard. The sign-up was for those who wanted to sing in a men's choir to perform at the upcoming priesthood session of the Semiannual General Conference of the Church in the Tabernacle. I held the list in my hands for a few moments and then passed it on, saying to myself that I was too busy to do it. I really wasn't too busy, but that was the dumb little story I told myself at that moment.

A few months later, I attended the priesthood session of conference in the Hart Building where it was broadcast live via satellite to a large screen. When I saw the men's chorus from Ricks singing in the Tabernacle, I was filled with regret.

I realized then that I could have been there in the Tabernacle on that Saturday evening. I knew then that I did have time to sing in that choir, and it stung my heart.

That was many years ago. An opportunity like that has never come my way again. It still hurts. What could have been hurts. I wish I had chosen differently. Some opportunities only come once in your life. This was one of them.

When I hear people say, "No regrets," I always doubt it. The phrase just doesn't line up with reality for me. We all have regrets. I have many of them. I am sure you do, too. It is part of mortality. We all have made decisions that we would go back and change if we could put life on rewind. But that's not how things work.

I can honestly say that, while I have my share of regrets, they don't bother me very much anymore. In the past they did, but now they don't. Why? Because I apply two principles to those regrets. Two eternal principles. Eternal principles, properly applied, always work to bring peace and relief. Always. Those two principles of which I speak are forgiveness and faith.

When I was a bishop, I learned by observation and personal experience that it is very important—no, critically important—to forgive yourself as soon as possible for the mistakes you make, whether those mistakes result from sin or from human weakness and frailty.

(Mistakes made as a result of human weakness but which are are not sins still can hurt a lot. They need correction, not repentance. But in this post, I am classing repentance and correction under the term repentance.)

Forgiveness of self implies repentance. Forgiving yourself doesn't work very well if you refuse to repent or you just repent a little bit. Not repenting is the fruit of pride. People who "forgive" themselves without repentance are just pardoning themselves. It won't have the same effect as forgiveness. It won't bring peace.

I have found that the people who fully repent of their sins have a much easier time forgiving themselves and others. Withholding forgiveness is the clearest sign that you have some things to resolve within yourself.

So I completely forgive myself for my sins, my mistakes, my oversights, my forgetfulness. I forgive myself for not signing up for that chance to sing in the Tabernacle. I may never have the chance again to sing at general priesthood meeting, but I can accept my mistake as a valuable learning experience. An unforgettable one.

I think that is one of the reasons Heavenly Father placed us on this world: To learn from our mistakes the unforgettable lessons that will guide and protect us throughout the rest of our lives and eternity.

Pain is a great teacher. Pain is our friend. It is not friendly, but it is our friend.

The second principle I apply is faith. To illustrate this, I will share a quote from the Prophet Joseph Smith:

All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 296).

I take great comfort in these words and I have faith that they are true. If we continue faithful, the Lord will make up our earthly losses. All our losses, our sorrows, all our "what might have beens," will somehow be made up. I think those include our regrets, provided that we properly repent of what caused them.

Some of our losses can be made up in this life. I have had that happen. When God blesses you in this way, it swallows up the regret and sorrow of past experience, but such blessings often don't come quickly. Patience is a form of faith.

So now here is the rest of the story.

In 2007, my daughter sang in the Saturday afternoon session of the October general conference in a Young Women choir from the Springville-Mapleton area in Utah. When the opportunity arose, you can imagine that I encouraged her with great energy to not miss the chance to sing in the Conference Center. It was part of my repentance process.

I was able to be in that session of conference, to watch her sing along with many other young women that I knew. It helped greatly to salve an old wound.

I have resolved my regrets. I still remember their sting. The pain taught me a lot. If I am inclined to stew over past choices, I apply the principles of forgiveness and faith, the forgiveness of self that also require repentance, and the faith to look forward to the resurrection where God will make up all our losses.

When Your Wife Holds Back Her Love

2011-01-26T07:06:00.001-07:00

To an anonymous commenter (found here),

I completely understand your frustration in your relationship and the pain it can cause. I don't know anything that can be more discouraging than feeling unloved by a spouse, whether you are a wife or a husband. I don't believe that anyone can have more influence over an individual, other than God Himself, than a spouse.

I will warn you that I will be a little on the frank side in this post.

One of the keys to intimacy in marriage is to feel complete respect from your spouse, which is the foundation to trust. Both respect and trust are the foundations of love. If a spouse, especially a wife, does not feel that she can trust her husband, it is a big turn off for her. For example, if a husband is using pornography, and his wife is aware of it or even suspicious of it, she will really struggle with her trust in him, and it won't be likely that she will feel at ease with any kind of intimacy.

Can you see how that would be a natural response? If a wife does not feel that her husband is reliable, she will not want to make herself vulnerable in her emotional commitment to him—in the extreme, having another baby—if she does not feel within herself that her husband will fully be there for her. Even if she is beyond the time of childbearing, she will still feel this way.

In counseling many couples over a number of years, I found that a wife who is suspicious of her husband's commitment is not very responsive intimately, but that a wife who feels truly loved and that the commitment of her husband is sure, is often quite responsive.

I hope you know I have great compassion for your situation, but I also know that each of us has far, far more power over the negative situations in our lives than we realize. No matter what anyone does or does not do, you are completely responsible for what you do or don't do. This is a fundamental truth. This also means that you have more power to improve your situation than anyone else.

If your wife does not feel trusting of you and resists intimacy, here is my advice, the result of years of thought, prayer, counseling, teaching and writing about this subject.

Number 1, do everything in your power to reassure your wife that she is the most important person or thing in your life, that there is nothing you wouldn't do to win her love again and again. You see, courtship is for life. If you want to keep your wife, you have to woo her and pursue her every day of your life. If she senses that she is second place in your life, or third or any other place but first, she will withdraw herself from you. She will be hurt. You have to be able to look her in the eye and tell her with all your heart that you love her, every day, and really mean it. This is part of every woman's love language. If that is missing, she will not feel warm, affectionate, or willing to give of herself intimately.

Number 2, you have to love her the way she wants to be loved. I am not talking about being her slave or caving in to her every whim, but I am talking about inquiring of her needs and then going about meeting those needs. If you do this with full commitment and an undivided heart, you will be irresistible to her. She will pay you back a hundred times. She won't be able to help herself. It can't be play acting on your part, though. She is a woman and she can tell the difference (though at times she can be deceived about a man's sincerity, usually because she wants to believe in him more than he is worthy to be believed).

Number 3, you must offer genuine apologies for your poor choices, past or present. If you are unwilling to admit to or work on your mistakes, actively and energetically, she will have a hard time trusting you. If she can't trust you, she will not want to be intimate with you. If you learn to accept yourself and look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself and your wife how you could improve for the better, and you really mean it, she will begin to trust you immediately. She won't get all the way there in a day, but she will begin to trust you.

It is all about a woman's inner detection system. That is what she relies on the most. She has a knack for discerning people's real feelings. Her discernment will not always be 100 percent accurate, but it will be most of the time and she will rely on those feelings to guide her. If she feels any uneasiness about your faithfulness to her, even if that unfaithfulness is to a virtual image, she can't fully give herself to you. This gift of being able to discern feelings is a divine gift. We men had better understand it.

So, in conclusion, I agree that a wife's reluctance to be intimate is very discouraging and can open the door to temptation. That is a sad and frustrating place to be. But no one has more power to change those feelings than her husband. If he will give her the attention and love she deserves, be unrelenting in showing his commitment, be willing to apologize and repent whenever needed, and love his wife the way she wants and needs to be loved, she will respond positively to him. If she has a physical illness or has been abused in the past, it will take more patience—great patience—but these are true principles and true principles always work, though we must pursue them patiently.

You cannot change your life for the better unless you take complete responsibility for it. I know this from personal experience and from witnessing it first hand in many people's lives.

Please understand me. I am not saying it is not painful when a wife is unwilling or reluctant to show you her love through intimacy, but what I am saying is that you have the power to change things for the better if you will faithfully love your wife the way God intended for her to be loved.

She has work to do too, of course. But don't wait for her to change before you take the first step. Step forward. Be assertive to do the right thing. Lay aside your doubts. Act. Love her with all you've got and she can't help but respond in a positive way.

You have to win her back every day. You have to change. You have to try and keep trying. In my experience, nothing else works.

God bless you in your efforts. He will help you. I promise you that.

The Gratitude of a Child

2011-01-20T22:41:00.001-07:00

Two weeks after I was released as bishop, the Primary president asked if I would visit the children for a few minutes in combined exercises. There they presented me with this beautiful pillow, which goes well with my quilt. The front was embroidered with the words from the first verse of "If the Savior Stood Beside Me," a favorite of mine. Of course I love it.

The children also gave me a collection of darling thank you notes. I would like to share a few excerpts from those notes with you. I think you will get a kick out of them. I tried to preserve the spelling and the capitalization so you could get a feel for them.

"Tank you"

"Thank you, Bishop Fitzgerald. You've done everything you could possibly think of:)! You are amazing, kind, fun, funny, and awesome! I will miss you being our bishop so much!!!"

"Thank you Bishop! Dear Bishop Fitzgerald, Thank you for everything! Thank you for being my bishop! Thank you!"

"Thank you. Bishop Fitzgerald, thank you for serving our church and thank you for coming to my bathtisum. I am sad you are not going to be are bishop any more, but I am wondering how old you are?"

"Bishop Fitzgerald, Thank you for being a great bishop and a great friend. Thank you for all that you have done for the 12 Ward."

"Thank you for being an awesome Bishop. I am sad that you won't be are Bishop anymore. I am very thankful for all that you have done for me and my family. Thank you."

"Ninja I love you."

"Brave Integrity Super Happy On top Pleasant. Bishop, You RULE! I hope that you enjoyed being the Bishop. Thank you for everything you do for us. We all love you. ♥ u!

"Thank you for being our bishop. I am so grateful for all the service you have done. You are the best bishop anyone could ever have. You rock!"

"Bishop Fitzgerald Thank You. Thank you! for everything. God is are sunshine."

"Thank you. You are the best bishop anyone can have. I am so sad that you wont be our bishop any more. I wish you could stay and still be our bishop. Please stay. I hope our new bishop is just like you."

"dear bishop, Thank you for your wounderfule servise. Thank you for the great talks, thank you for the great songs. Thank you for being our bishop. Thank you for cleaning our church."

"I ♥ u."

"Thank you. Grampo, you era the best. Thank you for serving the USA!"

"Thannkk yyouu! I am so sad that I am repeting letters. You rock! You are sooooo helpful to this ward. You Are Kool! I can't even spell Kool because you are soo Kool. Thanks for being you! You are generally a nice person. Keep it up!! Happy B-day. I hope you have a great birthday. With lots of love."

Dear Bishop Fitzgerald, Thank you for all that you have done for us. I love you as a bishop and don't want you to go! ♥"

"Dear Bishop fitzgerald, I would like to thank you for cleaning the chrch, it looks reley nice. Thank you."

"Happi thank you"

These notes put a big smile on my face and helped make my transition back to "civilian life" much easier.

When you know you are truly appreciated, what else do you really need? Not much!

The Test of Forgiveness

2011-01-15T03:03:00.001-07:00

One of the great tests in this life is our willingness to forgive those who we believe have offended us or hurt us.

Many of us have been deeply hurt by the actions of others. Most of us have suffered wrongs of some sort.

Exclusion. Sleights. Gossip. False accusation. Thoughtlessness. Public humiliation. Vicious rumors. Emotional abuse. Sometimes even physical harm or abuse. Sometimes death. Sometimes we even carry a grudge against our Heavenly Father for the things He has allowed us to endure in this crazy, often painful world.

This story, highlighted by President Gordon B. Hinckley in a conference talk a few years ago, illustrates the power of forgiveness, both in the life of one who offended and one who was deeply offend. He quotes from a Deseret News article these words:

“How would you feel toward a teenager who decided to toss a 20-pound frozen turkey from a speeding car headlong into the windshield of the car you were driving? How would you feel after enduring six hours of surgery using metal plates and other hardware to piece your face together, and after learning you still face years of therapy before returning to normal—and that you ought to feel lucky you didn’t die or suffer permanent brain damage?

“And how would you feel after learning that your assailant and his buddies had the turkey in the first place because they had stolen a credit card and gone on a senseless shopping spree, just for kicks? …

“This is the kind of hideous crime that propels politicians to office on promises of getting tough on crime. It’s the kind of thing that prompts legislators to climb all over each other in a struggle to be the first to introduce a bill that would add enhanced penalties for the use of frozen fowl in the commission of a crime.

“The New York Times quoted the district attorney as saying this is the sort of crime for which victims feel no punishment is harsh enough. ‘Death doesn’t even satisfy them,’ he said.

“Which is what makes what really happened so unusual. The victim, Victoria Ruvolo, a 44-year-old former manager of a collections agency, was more interested in salvaging the life of her 19-year-old assailant, Ryan Cushing, than in exacting any sort of revenge. She pestered prosecutors for information about him, his life, how he was raised, etc. Then she insisted on offering him a plea deal. Cushing could serve six months in the county jail and be on probation for 5 years if he pleaded guilty to second-degree assault.

“Had he been convicted of first-degree assault—the charge most fitting for the crime—he could have served 25 years in prison, finally thrown back into society as a middle-aged man with no skills or prospects.

“But this is only half the story. The rest of it, what happened the day this all played out in court, is the truly remarkable part.

“According to an account in the New York Post, Cushing carefully and tentatively made his way to where Ruvolo sat in the courtroom and tearfully whispered an apology. ‘I’m so sorry for what I did to you.’

“Ruvolo then stood, and the victim and her assailant embraced, weeping. She stroked his head and patted his back as he sobbed, and witnesses, including a Times reporter, heard her say, ‘It’s OK. I just want you to make your life the best it can be.’ According to accounts, hardened prosecutors, and even reporters, were choking back tears” (“Forgiveness Has Power to Change Future,” Deseret Morning News, Aug. 21, 2005, p. AA3).

I hope, no matter what the circumstance is, I can have the strength to forgive others when necessary and to forgive myself regularly.

I hope I have a heart like Victoria Ruvolo's, who was more interested in salvaging the life of another than in exacting revenge. Ryan Cushing was not exonerated. He still had to pay a price for his thoughtless selfishness, but he also received the gift of forgiveness.

May we all be so blessed.

Thought of You and the World Spins Madly On

2011-01-13T07:37:00.002-07:00

My wife and 16-year-old daughter were watching this video last night. Near the end, my daughter says, "I hate this part."

"Why do you watch it, then?" I asked.

"Because we're girls," she said.

"Because we want to be sad over and over and over again," my wife said.

I think I understand. Maybe not completely, but I think I understand. A little.

The video is a collaboration between Ryan Woodward, a professor of animation at BYU, and an instructor in the BYU dance department, Kori Wakamatsu.

Ryan Woodward has done storyboards for Hollywood blockbusters such as Iron Man 2 and Spider Man 3.

He says of the video: “Just thinking about that dynamic of relationships stirred my mind about doing an animation with dance. I knew I could not animate a beautiful, contemporary dance because I’m not a dance choreographer, and that’s where Kori came in.” You can read the whole story here.

Sometimes sadness is a beautiful thing. Sometimes, when it speaks of longing for something wonderful, it teaches us the hidden value of a thing that we may have taken for granted or lost or never had.

I hope you like feeling a little sad.

Ways to Keep Conference Alive

2011-01-13T05:57:00.002-07:00

I am still enjoying last October's conference addresses. I found this article in November 2010 Ensign last night, "Members Keep Conference Alive in Everyday Life." In this article, members share ways they use conference talks in their everyday activities.

I share a few excerpts with you here:

Listen to the addresses while you exercise, drive, do chores, or get ready for the day.

—James, Ontario, Canada

Have family members take turns choosing talks to listen to during breakfast.

—Ashlee, Washington, USA

Alternate between reading scriptures in the morning and reading a general conference address in the evening.

—Diane, Washington, USA

Read an address to your children each night as a bedtime story.

—Heather, Utah, USA

These are just a few of the ideas in the article. To read the rest of them, look at the last page of your conference Ensign (November 2010) or click on the link above.

Sing We Now at Parting

2011-01-04T06:57:00.005-07:00

I really enjoyed this arrangement of "Sing We Now at Parting" sung at the end of our last general conference. I have listened to it a number of times. For some reason, it reminds me of my youth, when I first joined the Church.

Do you remember back 30 years ago when priesthood and Sunday School were held in the mornings and then we would come back for sacrament meeting in the evening? I am sure some of you do. I do.

I was the only member in my family. I was a senior in high school. I would sit alone in our little country chapel. The cold winter nights were warmed by the hymns of Zion, tunes that I had never sung before but that seemed like old friends. I was welcomed by the hands and hugs of the people of my wonderful little ward. The chapel was not full of people, but it was full of the Spirit. It was a sweet time in my life, still precious to me many years later.

This is what this song reminds me of. I hope you enjoy it, too.

Farewell 2010, Hello 2011

2011-01-01T23:29:00.003-07:00

I've been listening to the October 2010 conference sessions on my iPod over the last few months. I often listen when I am at the gym, or while I am working outside. Yesterday, I listened to these words from the concluding talk given by President Thomas S. Monson:

We live in a troubled world, a world of many challenges. We are here on this earth to deal with our individual challenges to the best of our ability, to learn from them, and to overcome them. Endure to the end we must, for our goal is eternal life in the presence of our Father in Heaven. He loves us and wants nothing more than for us to succeed in this goal. He will help us and bless us as we call upon Him in our prayers, as we study His words, and as we obey His commandments. Therein is found safety; therein is found peace...

May heaven’s blessings be with you. May your homes be filled with love and courtesy and with the Spirit of the Lord. May you constantly nourish your testimonies of the gospel, that they will be a protection to you against the buffetings of Satan.

The year 2010 was a challenging one for us. We faced trials I thought we would never have to face in this life. They were humbling trials. But as President Monson said, we are here to learn from our trials. Here are a few things I learned:

No matter how difficult your trials are or may appear, there will always be someone in your circle who is having a more difficult time than you and another who is having an easier time than you.
Don't compare yourself to others. You are incomparable.
If your trials are too difficult to comprehend or deal with, go to bed early. Things will make more sense in the morning.
Don't only ask yourself, "What am I learning from this?" but "What would my life be like if I did not learn from this?"
Looking at the trials that others have, aren't you glad you have yours and not theirs?
Wait. Don't act rashly. Be patient.
Never give up. Just keep trying.
Never stop praying.
Never cast off hope.

Trials are inevitable. I have learned a lot from them this past year. I am grateful for them. They have blessed my life immeasurably. I believe they enabled me to serve others better. My life would not be complete without them.

My Goal Binder

2010-12-31T22:35:00.001-07:00

We in the Fitzgerald family are about to bid 2010 farewell. It snowed this afternoon in Mapleton, and it's cold outside—12 degrees. We are holed up in our snug basement. We are playing Wii Fit and eating regrettable foods. Well, I am doing more watching than playing.

I've been thinking about my goals for the coming year for some weeks. I am taking a little different approach this year. I am not attempting perfection, only improvement.

I'll take improvement—or even a little improvement—over perfection now. I have not always been able to look at things this way. Now I am not as frustrated with myself as I was when I was in my 20s, or 30s. Or even my 40s.

The French Enlightenment writer Voltaire once wrote: Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien. In English, "The best [or perfect] is the enemy of the good."

Have you ever noticed that your dissatisfaction with your own imperfection discourages you? Sometimes it can immobilize you. And keep you from doing a lot of good.

That used to be me.

Now I realize that I mustn't let my worries about my mistakes and imperfections slow me down. I just acknowledge my mistake as soon as I can, leave it on the trail, and keep pulling my cart to Zion. Now the goal is more important than what happens on the journey.

Those mistakes are too heavy to carry. I recognize them but I leave them behind and think about my next step forward.

A few months ago, I got this idea to put the best ideas and thoughts I could find in a binder, in sheet protectors. I look at these quotes every day (almost). And think about the words. They are powerful to me. They resonate with me and remind me to keep moving. Embedded in those quotes are my goals.

Let me share a few of these quotes. Here is one of my favorite verses in the New Testament.

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. —Mark 9:23

All things are possible. That is an amazing way to think about our world. Do you believe it? I do, about 90 percent of the time. I am working on the other 10 percent.

You are your only limitation. —Jacob Blaney

Jacob is a wise young man. I totally believe what he said. When he shared this quote with me, I felt it in my spine.

I think I only have one problem in this world, one opponent. It's me.

(Psst. You have the same problem.)

The nice thing is that, if you are the problem, you can also be the solution. Isn't that great to know? You need help, though. Help from your spouse, your friends, your bishop, your Heavenly Father. Especially Him.

Here is one last quote from my binder:

My feelings give testimony of my thoughts, and those thoughts are testimony of my beliefs. My beliefs are testimony of what is in my heart—my desires and intent. My life, and all that I have or will experience, are a realization of these feelings, thoughts and beliefs, all testimony of what is at the core of my being.

My goals are simple this year. They are built around simple themes like health and writing and web traffic and more consistent income. Facing all my fears and replacing them with faith, reason and action.

They are all doable, but I will have to leave a lot of personal effects on the trail to Zion if I expect to make it there.

New Year's: Look Not behind Thee

2010-12-30T09:00:00.001-07:00

I think it's time to leave the past behind and start thinking about what's before us in the coming year.

Reasons Why Your Husband or Son Use Pornography, Part 4

2010-12-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

In answer to a recent comment on an earlier post, I do believe that a wife can contribute to her husband's feelings of low self-esteem, more so than any other person. Very much so. And I do believe that her disdain or coldness towards her husband can open a door to temptation for him. However, there is a fundamental principle here that we cannot set aside. As Thomas S. Monson said at our last conference: "If we make the wrong choice, we have no one to blame but ourselves."

To me this means that, even though we may blame our bad choices on others, no one is responsible for our choices except ourselves. Blaming others for our choices is a classic self-deception. In fact, when we nurture a blaming attitude, it opens us up to temptation and sin and is often the fuel behind bad choices. It is subtle, but it is real.

Most youth, for example, get caught up in a web of blame, usually of their parents, before they get caught in the web of sin. Blame of others is the doorway to rationalization of sin. The truth is, as Pres. Monson said, we cannot lay the responsibility for our choices at any other door but our own. When we rationalize that someone else has hurt us or ignored us or whatever, and then we sin as a result, we have allowed ourselves to be deceived.

We can't blame another unless we first judge them. And we can't judge them unless we disdain them. And we won't disdain them unless we have first been blinded by pride. And we cannot be blinded by pride without first accepting a falsehood as true, without willfully taking pleasure in sin of some sort.

When pride is present, the Spirit is absent. And the Spirit will be absent only if we set aside faith and the truth in favor of some sort of self-deception or illicit gratification, which may be as simple as being defensive, telling a lie, however innocent, or intentionally misleading another to protect our egos.

This is the chain that I see most often leading up to the rationalization of sin. If you recognize the start of the chain, you will be more likely to avoid reaching the end of it.

If you choose to indulge in pornography because you blame another for mistreating you, you have allowed Satan to deceive you.

The first step to recovery, I believe, is looking at ourselves straight in the mirror and taking full responsibility for our actions.

But this does not mean that a wife does not need to repent of her poor behavior toward her husband. No. It just means that we cannot claim that such behaviors are or ever can be named as the cause of our sin.

New Testament Class Member Study Guide

2010-12-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned yesterday in a post, we'll be studying the New Testament this year in Sunday School. Here is a link to the online version of the New Testament Class Member Study Guide. The nice thing about the online version of this guide is that you can click on references to passages of scripture and read them on the spot.

We have wireless Internet at our Church. You can read scriptures online, for example, or install them locally on your electronic device. Some people bring their iPads and other devices to Church and can look at the scriptures (and this study guide) right during class on them. It's kind of cool.

I think it is an exciting development that we have so many electronic resources from the Church, literally at our fingertips. But I am still a little on the old-fashioned side and like bringing my scriptures to Church. You know, the kind printed on actual paper. With leather bindings. I am just that way, you know.

Sometimes I think electronica can be deliriously distracting, especially to our youth. For example, one might appear to be looking up a verse from Isaiah on her smart phone, but what she is actually doing is texting her friend across the room. It's the modern version of passing notes in class, only sneakier!

But, well, er, if I save money and get an iPad, don't be surprised if I lay aside my old-fashioned ways and tote something shiny and new to Church.

Have a blessed day.

"The Wintry Day, Descending to Its Close" by Orson F. Whitney

2010-12-28T21:00:00.002-07:00

Last Sunday, two sons and their father sang "The Wintry Day, Descending to Its Close" during our sacrament meeting. They were accompanied by their mother on the piano and a cousin who played an obligato on the flute.

The lyrics were written by Orson F. Whitney with music by Edward P. Kimball. Elder Whitney was an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1906 until his death 1931 at the age of 75. Brother Kimball was an organist for the Tabernacle Choir for many years

The song has sunk deep into my heart. I keep thinking of the words again and again, and the tune runs through my mind like an unforgettable voice from the past.

Here are the words, if you would like to read them:

The wintry day, descending to its close,
Invites all wearied nature to repose,
And shades of night are falling dense and fast
Like sable curtains closing o'er the past.
Pale through the gloom the newly fallen snow
Wraps in a shroud the silent earth below
As though 'twere mercy's hand had spread the pall,
A symbol of forgiveness unto all.

I cannot go to rest but linger still
In meditation at my window sill,
While, like the twinkling stars in heaven's dome,
Come one by one sweet memories of home.
And wouldst thou ask me where my fancy roves
To reproduce the happy scenes it loves?
Where hope and memory together dwell
And paint the pictured beauties that I tell?

Away beyond the prairies of the West
Where exiled Saints in solitude were blest;
Where industry the seal of wealth has set
Amid the peaceful vales of Deseret,
Unheeding still the fiercest blasts that blow,
With tops encrusted by eternal snow,
The towering peaks that shield the tender sod,
Stand, types of freedom reared by nature's God.

The wilderness, that naught before would yield,
Is now become a fertile, fruitful field.
Where roamed at will the savage Indian band,
The templed cities of the Saints now stand.
And sweet religion in its purity
Invites all men to its security.
This is my home, the spot I love so well,
Whose worth and beauty pen nor tongue can tell.

—Orson F. Whitney

Free Download of Jesus the Christ

2010-12-28T05:50:00.000-07:00

Recently I discovered a free audio download for the James Talmage classic Jesus the Christ. With our study of the New Testament in Sunday School this year, this would be a great addition to your MP3 player.

To download individual chapters, click on this link. To download an MP3 from this page, right click on the name of the chapter you want to download, and then select Save Link As. Then choose the place on your computer, such as a the desktop or a folder, where you want to save the MP3

To download the entire book at once (zip file), click on this link.

Happy listening!

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

2010-12-26T13:26:00.003-07:00

One of my all-time favorite novels is Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol. I have read this book many times. I just finished reading it again yesterday, Christmas afternoon.

Most of you are familiar with the story of the miserly, taciturn Ebeneezer Scrooge and his disdain for Christmas. He remains in his determined ardor until after an encounter with his business partner Jacob Marley, seven years dead, and the three spirits that haunt him into an ever clearer view of his life—the consequences of his choices and the destiny those choices might lead him to if he does not change his ways.

On our first Christmas after we were married, I received an edition of A Christmas Carol from my father that I have always loved. It is illustrated with photographs of richly detailed caricatures of scenes from the story. The caricatures were created by Peter Fluck and Roger Law.

There is probably nothing I enjoy more in literature or on film than watching a person change for the better. This is a common theme. Little else touches our hearts more than seeing a grumpy curmudgeon transformed to a repentant, humble lighthearted soul.

Isn't that the hope of Christmas: The power to change for the better?

The first year I taught seminary, I struggled. I remember the last day we met that year—1984. It was just before the Christmas break. I was desperate. I wanted to get the kids' attention. I wanted to leave them on a happy, hopeful note.

It came to me what to do. That morning I read to them from the last chapter (Stave Five) of A Christmas Carol. I was amazed as the whole class sat quietly in rapt attention.

When Scrooge awakes after seeing his name carved on a headstone, he undergoes a "mighty change of heart" (Mosiah 5:2). He hoops and hollers and dances about his bedchamber. He knows he's been given another chance, and he is ebullient with gratitude and generosity.

He buys a prize turkey for the Cratchit's and sends it to them by cab. He walks the streets of London, greeting all warmly. He goes to church. He finally goes to dinner at the home of his nephew Fred, stunning incredulous inmates and guests.

The story ends the next morning when Scrooge plays a hearty joke on his clerk Bob Cratchit. I repeat it here:

"He was early at the office next morning. Oh, he was early there. If he could only be there first, and catch Bob Cratchit coming late! That was the thing he had set his heart upon. And he did it; yes, he did! The clock struck nine. No Bob. A quarter past. No Bob. He was full eighteen minutes and a half behind his time. Scrooge sat with his door wide open, that he might see him come into the Tank.

"His hat was off, before he opened the door; his comforter too. He was on his stool in a jiffy, driving away with his pen, as if he were trying to overtake nine o'clock.

"'Hallo!' growled Scrooge, in his accustomed voice, as near as he could feign it. 'What do you mean by coming here at this time of day?'

"'I am very sorry, sir,' said Bob. 'I am behind my time.'

"'You are!' repeated Scrooge. 'Yes. I think you are. Step this way, sir, if you please.'

"'It's only once a year, sir,' pleaded Bob, appearing from the Tank. 'It shall not be repeated. I was making rather merry yesterday, sir.'

"'Now, I'll tell you what, my friend,' said Scrooge, 'I am not going to stand this sort of thing any longer. And therefore,' he continued, leaping from his stool, and giving Bob such a dig in the waistcoat that he staggered back into the Tank again; 'and therefore I am about to raise your salary!'
"Bob trembled, and got a little nearer to the ruler. He had a momentary idea of knocking Scrooge down with it, holding him, and calling to the people in the court for help and a strait-waistcoat.

"'A merry Christmas, Bob!' said Scrooge, with an earnestness that could not be mistaken, as he clapped him on the back. 'A merrier Christmas, Bob, my good fellow, than I have given you for many a year! I'll raise your salary, and endeavour to assist your struggling family, and we will discuss your affairs this very afternoon, over a Christmas bowl of smoking bishop, Bob! Make up the fires, and buy another coal-scuttle before you dot another i, Bob Cratchit!'

"Scrooge was better than his word. He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Tiny Tim, who did not die, he was a second father. He became as good a friend, as good a master, and as good a man, as the good old city knew, or any other good old city, town, or borough, in the good old world...and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

"May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God bless Us, Every One!"

So a Merry Christmas to all of you. I can keep it as well the day after Christmas, as well as Scrooge himself. God bless us all to do so, every one of us!

A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols from King's College Chapel, Cambridge

2010-12-23T07:31:00.001-07:00

Be part of a tradition dating back to 1918 and hear some beautiful music as well by tuning into "A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols" tomorrow morning (Christmas Eve, 2010).

It is broadcast over the BBC (American Public Radio) from the King's College Chapel, Cambridge University, Cambridge, England, and starts at 8:00 AM Mountain Standard Time. That's 3:00 PM (15:00) in Great Britain.

The broadcast originates from an ancient venue. Construction on the chapel, which is 50 miles north of London, began in AD 1446.

You can listen to the broadcast live on Classical 89 radio (FM 89.1 in Salt Lake County and 89.1/89.5 in Utah County) or you can listen to streaming audio over the Internet on the BBC Radio 4 or Classical 89.

Here is the order of the 90-minute service. The actual carols or hymns performed may vary somewhat from the program below. A new hymn—one has been commissioned annually since 1982—will be added to the program.

A Festival of Nine Lessons and Carols

Processional Hymn: "Once in Royal David's City"

Prayer

Carol: "If Ye Would Hear the Angels Sing"

First Lesson from Genesis 3:8–15, 17–19

Carol: "Remember, O Thou Man"
Carol: "Adam lay ybounden"

Second Lesson from Genesis 22:15–18

Carol: "Angels from the Realms of Glory"
Carol: "In Dulci Jubilo"

Third Lesson from Isaiah 9:2, 6–7

Carol: "Nowell Sing We Now All and Some"
Hymn: "Unto Us is Born a Son"

Fourth Lesson from Isaiah 11:1–3a, 4a, 6–9

Carol: "The Lamb"
Carol: "A Spotless Rose Is Blowing"

Fifth Lesson from the Gospel of Luke 1:26–35, 38

Carol: "I Sing of a Maiden"
Carol: "The Night when She First Gave Birth" ("Mary")

Sixth Lesson from Luke 2:1, 3–7

Carol: "Sweet Baby, Sleep! What Ails My Dear?" ("Wither's Rocking Hymn)"
Carol: "What Sweeter Music Can We Bring"

Seventh Lesson from Luke 2:8–16

Carol: "Infant Holy, Infant Lowly"
Hymn: "God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen"

Eighth Lesson from the Gospel of Matthew 2:1–12

Carol: "Illuminare Jerusalem"
Carol: "Glory, Alleluia to the Christ Child"

Ninth Lesson from the Gospel of John 1: 1–14

Hymn: "O Come, All Ye Faithful" ("Adeste Fideles")

Blessing

Hymn: "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"

Organ Voluntaries: "In Dulci Jubilo"

Organ Postlude

I love traditional English choir music and look forward to tuning in. I hope you enjoy the program as well.

How My Wife Simplified Christmas

2010-12-22T06:21:00.001-07:00

When our children were young, Christmas was always a big production. It was particularly exhausting for my wife who of course wanted everything to be just right and bore most of the burden. And it was exhausting for me to try to keep up with my wife.

Gifts were troublesome because you had to make everything equal, you know. You can't give the kids the impression that you are favoring one of them, so you have to be careful to weigh and measure all gifts for one child against all gifts for another. And there was that I-need-to-get-one-more-thing problem that would send Cristi or I out late at night in the days leading up to Christmas day.

On Christmas morning, we would just want to sleep in. We were so pooped! I can tell you that my wife deserved to sleep in more than I did.

We communicate better now than we did in the early years of our marriage, and that makes things go a lot better, but there was an idea my wife had that has made all the difference during Christmas time. She had this idea 10 or 15 years ago, and it made a very positive impact on an otherwise stressful season.

This was her idea. In addition to a Christmas stocking, each member of the family would receive four gifts and four gifts only, and each gift would fall into a given category:

Something to wear
Something to read
Something to do
Something from Santa

This was such a simple plan that even I could wrap my head around it.

Having these four categories has really helped us over the years in planning what gifts we were going to buy and in making the actual purchases.

The fun part is that, well, Santa will be Santa. You never know what he will do. Sometimes he will throw in a surprise gift for the whole family. So Santa is our release valve, our wildcard. I have never actually met Santa, but I know he is a pretty creative, thoughtful and generous person.

I think Cristi's idea was inspired. It has blessed many Christmases in our home, and it has helped our marriage, too. It was the one the thing that popped our Christmas balloon, so to speak, taking a lot of the pressure out of the holidays.

I am grateful to my wife for this wonderful gift she gave our family so many years ago.

Children's Letters to Santa Claus

2010-12-21T14:03:00.004-07:00

We've collected a lot of Christmas books over the years. One that I really like is Children's Letters to Santa Claus, compiled by Bill Adler (published by Carol Publishing Group, 1993). This book is currently out of print, but you can still buy a copy (mostly used but a few new) on Amazon. I'd like to share some of my favorites.

Dear Santa, How many days do you have to be good? I have been good for 2 days and I will try again on Monday. I love you, Christina

Dear Santa Claus: How much do you make? Do you make more than the President? I hope so because you make more people happy than the President. Jane

Dear Santa, Can you get me a trip to the moon on the next space shuttle? I've never been anywhere except Salt Lake City. Your fan, Howard

Dear Santa Claus, I got an A on my report card. Please remember my A when you leave the presents. I hope I didn't get an A for nothing. Your best friend, Amy

Finally, here is my personal favorite:

Dear Santa Claus, My name is Robert. I am 6 years old. I want a rifle, a pistol, a machine gun, bullets, a hand grenade, dynamite, and tear gas. I am planning a surprise for my big brother. Your friend, Robert

I hope these letters help put the stress of the Holidays in perspective.

Merry Christmas!

My Work

2010-12-20T05:17:00.003-07:00

I think some of you who know me may wonder, "What does that guy do for a living?"

I don't blame you for wondering. My career is quite non-traditional, and I have been told more than once, "Isn't it time you got a real job?"

My career as a writer—much to my father's astonishment—began in August 1983, just a few months after graduating from Brigham Young University with a degree in English. I have been an author, writer, editor and publisher ever since, with few deviations.

While I was an undergraduate at BYU, my father once asked about my college major over the phone. He said, "What are you going to do with that?" I told him I was going to get a job as a writer. He said I couldn't get a job as a writer, in an exasperated tone of voice. It was discouraging to hear my father say that.

It is hard when people close to you don't believe in you. But I followed my heart. And proved him wrong.

Since my late teens, I have had a intractable desire to write. It has followed me like a hungry child. It won't ever leave me alone. It keeps pulling on my coat sleeve. I have never been able to ignore it. It is one of those things that never grows old. I never get tired of it.

I began working as a freelance writer in 1987 and I have worked freelance most of the time since then. Much of my work has been technical, and most of the time, I have worked at home. Yes, I have had several full-time jobs in the last 23 years, but I have worked freelance the majority of my career.

This has worked well at times. Sometimes very well. At other times, I am loath to admit, it has not worked well for me or my family. The last five years—well, especially the last three—have not been a glowing success career-wise. I am not proud of this. In fact, it has been quite humbling.

I'll not recount the harrowing details here, but let me just say they have been the worst years of my career. One ward member used to call me "Bishop Job," as in the man of misfortune in the Old Testament.

I don't fully understand how and why things went as poorly as they did these past few years, but I take complete responsibility for everything that happened or did not happen. I don't blame anyone or anything but myself for our misfortunes, but it sure felt like gale-force opposition to me.

A few months ago, when I was still bishop, our stake president said to me in an interview, "As soon as you are released, these troubles will go away."

I was released on Sunday, November 21st. On Wednesday the 24th, I was interviewed for a new contract. It was one of the best job interviews I have ever had. For every question they asked, I had an answer. For example, when they told me about one technology they use, I was able to tell them that I was a member of the technical committee that developed the technology.

I was offered the job (a one year contract), and started a week ago today. It is about as close a match with my skills as any job I have ever had. Even though it is a contract, they guarantee 40 hours per week and they offer full benefits.

I still have work for other clients that I have to finish up or continue. I have about a two and a half hour commute to and from work. I will be under some stress for a time, and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. But in spite of that, I am very, very grateful for this blessing. I deeply appreciate the prayers of my family and thoughtful friends that have brought me to where I am now. It is a miracle to me, especially given the trials my family and I have faced over the last few years.

I am still marveling over our stake president's prophetic insight. I am not sure he even realizes the significance of what he said.

Two weeks after I was released, he invited my wife and I in for an interview. He did not issue a new calling, but gave me an assignment, asking me to fulfill it over the next year. The assignment was (1) to recover my health; (2) to recover financially; and (3) to hold a Sunday-only calling so that I could pursue the first two challenges.

I'll try to keep you informed about how it goes over the next year.

When You Feel Out of Your Comfort Zone

2010-12-14T07:42:00.002-07:00

We all have our comfort zones. I know exactly the height and width and depth of mine, and I am sure you know yours. But if you are like me, though, the dimensions of that comfort zone seem to keep expanding.

When we're asked to step out of our cozy homes, and we do so willingly, that boundary widens. It's not always easy to step over that boundary and into unknown territory. When we refuse to step out of that zone, however, the perimeter seems to shrink around us.

There are certain lines I've had to cross, to step over an old boundary and into new territory. You've probably crossed those lines, too. Here are some of mine.

Telling my father I went to a Mormon sacrament meeting and that I planned to join the Church.

Stepping onto the back of an unbroken horse.

Being baptized without my parents support.

Going on a mission a year later. Walking through the doors of the Mission Home in Salt Lake, alone.

The first day at a new job (like yesterday!) or the first day at a new school.

Accepting a new calling that scared me out of my wits. (That would be most callings I have had.)

Making a phone call to a complete stranger and asking for something.

Getting released from a calling that I loved. (That just happened to me.)

Every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my stress level always goes up, but I also grow. That's the way it works. My self-confidence is tested, but I always manage to withstand the test. Things look hard at first, but over time, they get easier.

There is a veil of self-doubt that separates us from our potential.

When I read this in the December Ensign today, a quote from a disabled young woman, I knew I had to include it.

Participating in classes and activities...has pushed me out of my comfort zone.... The gospel is designed to help us become stronger people no matter what our circumstances are. (Ensign, Dec. 2010, 40.)

That is what it's all about: Growing stronger.

Strength comes from meeting resistance, from challenging it. Often, the greatest resistance is within ourselves, not outside ourselves. When we meet that resistance with faith, we gain strength; when we meet it with doubt, we go weak.

In closing, I would like to share a few promises to those of us who have been asked to leave our comfort zones. First, a verse from early in the Book of Mormon:

And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them. (1 Nephi 3:7.)

Nephi's faith went way beyond his own tested ability. It went beyond his physical sight. He had willingness and determination and he was therefore able to do all the Lord asked him to do.

And finally, a verse from the last chapter of Moroni:

And Christ truly said unto our fathers: If ye have faith ye can do all things which are expedient unto me. (Moroni 10:23.)

If you have faith, you can do anything that is necessary for you to do. Anything. I believe that. I completely believe that.

I believe in you, too. You have strength and wisdom beyond what you imagine you have. Your faith has and will always carry you to new heights. I trust you. The Lord trusts you. He never lets you down. He may test you and even surprise you, but He will never let you down. We are the ones who let ourselves down, not Him.

If we trust Him, He will strengthen our muscles, enlighten our minds, warm our hearts, and lift us higher and higher and higher. That is his purpose. That is how He operates. He has a central purpose. It is to help you become who you really are, all that you really are.

His help is a prayer away. All it takes is a prayer and a step forward. Another prayer and another step forward.

You can do it.

Reasons Why Your Husband or Son Use Pornography, Part 3

2010-12-10T06:55:00.001-07:00

I appreciate all the comments I have received in response to one of the earlier posts I wrote on this topic. I'd like to add a few more comments of my own.

While I have not personally experienced an addiction, I think you should know that I am a descendant of a long line of addicts. I know of four alcoholics on my paternal side, the Irish/Scot side. I knew three of them personally. Watching their behavior, hearing them talk, and seeing their lives end early, has been a great lesson to me—and a deterrent, too.

Even if I were not a Latter-day Saint, I doubt I would drink alcohol because of what I saw as a child and teenager. It was awful. Those of you who have grown up in this environment know what I am talking about. Consequently, alcohol does not present a temptation to me. It is revolting to me. I abhor it.

But I have to ask myself a question: If I chose to drink alcohol, even a small amount, what would be the effect on me? Given my ancestry, wouldn't you say I have a genetic predisposition for alcoholism? I think I stand a pretty good chance of acquiring an addiction, if I allowed myself to drink.

I was introduced to alcohol in my own home by my own father at a young age, before I was a Latter-day Saint. Fortunately, it never held an interest for me. I did not like it, even though it was a big part of my family culture and condoned by my parents.

Since those early teen years, I have made a personal commitment to never drink alcohol. I have made a covenant with God and myself to never do it. Under no circumstances. Therefore, I never worry about it becoming a problem in my life. It is not a temptation that I struggle with because I have completely shut it out of my life. With God's help, I know I can keep that commitment. In this there is safety and peace.

In spite of my determination, though, I don't rely on myself alone to keep my commitment. I must rely on a power much greater than my own to guide and protect me.

I know of only one way you can avoid or overcome a serious addiction with tobacco, alcohol, drugs, or pornography: You have to completely and absolutely shut it out of your life. Every day, every thought, every word, and every action must present a barrier against it.

This may seem very difficult, but I know you can do it. How do I know?

If you are deep in an addiction right now, you may be saying to yourself, "I can't do that. That's impossible. You just don't understand."

That's what Satan wants you to think, but not the Savior. For example, Jesus once said:

If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. (Mark 9:23.)

Likewise, the apostle Paul said:

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13.)

If these scriptures are true, and I have a testimony that they are, then I must believe that with God nothing is impossible and that I can do all things through faith and reliance on Christ. This means that with God's help, you can overcome all temptations. This means that through Christ, you can overcome any addiction.

If in this life † we [only] have hope in Christ [and not faith], we are of all men most miserable. (1 Corinthians 15:19.)

It all starts and ends with faith in Christ, and this requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and a total offering of mind, body and spirit. This is what really works. This is what brings hope. This is the way to access the power we need to overcome the world and everything in it that could harm us.

But to access that power, we can't secretly delight in and pursue the pleasures of this world. You can't be double-minded; you can't do wrong and feel right.

Another thing you can't do is save yourself. I've seen people try to save themselves or even atone for themselves. It doesn't work. We can develop faith in a higher power than ourselves, on a wisdom greater than we possess, to find our way out of the captivity that binds us. Those who accept this gift in time go free, while those who don't will struggle and struggle. It is a complete surrender, a complete offering, that makes all the difference. When we hold something back, consciously or unconsciously, we fail to progress.

Sometimes we hold back without knowing what it is that we hold back. That's the thing I think that trips us up the most. The thing we most often hold back is our attachment to the pleasure our addiction brings, the pleasure that soothes our disappointments, fears, guilt, anxiety and other unresolved emotions. But when we try to salve our wounds in this way, we only deepen them. And the cycle continues.

One other thing that I have seen that holds addicts back from progressing is self-sabotage. It is a subtle thing, a disjoint between the conscious and the subconscious that leads to violent disharmony with oneself.

We must take complete responsibility for our thoughts, words and actions. We can't blame others for the problems those thoughts, words and actions cause. Satan cannot tempt and seduce you without your consent, and Christ cannot lift and save you without your permission, your willingness to accept Him. You hold the key, for yourself and yourself alone, to unlock the gate to heaven or hell. Christ will always beckon, while Satan taunts, but you have to turn the key in the lock yourself.

No one else can do it.

When you realize this, and stop laying your problems at the feet of your mother, your wife, your children, your boss, your dog, crazy Aunt Lily, your home teacher or your bishop, that is when you can start to break the fetters that seem to hold you back.

This is when you will start to gain the power you seek to move forward with your life.

Our Heavenly Father doesn't love anyone more than He loves you. He wants you to overcome all your troubles, including your addictions. His plan allows you to fail.

Never give up! Keep trying. I know it can be so discouraging, but remember that you stop progressing, not when you fail, but you when fail to try and keep trying.

Your efforts will be worth it. It is all worth it. You are worth it. God bless you.

Reasons Why Your Husband or Son Use Pornography, Part 2

2010-12-07T09:22:00.006-07:00

In a previous post, I talked about four common patterns I saw when I was a bishop in the lives of men and boys that related to the use of pornography.

Undermined masculinity
Low self-esteem
Boredom and curiosity
Addictions not fully addressed

Another observation that I would like to share is that no one who came to me with a pornography issue ever blamed their problem on someone else or claimed that someone else caused them to start using it. They always took the responsibility on themselves which is why I think the majority of them were able to make progress in overcoming it.

Another thing I saw was a lot of fear and embarrassment. These men and boys were afraid of disrupting their closest relationships, and they were also embarrassed to talk about the deepest parts of themselves, which is easy to understand.

Fear and embarrassment are threshold guardians that can prevent us from finding real solutions to our problems and the peace that follows.

Often I would recommend counseling or some kind of therapy to help them dig deeper into the root of the problem, to get in touch with what was going on inside of them. Most would follow this counsel, but some would not, which was sad to me.

When we are afraid to face our deepest issues, those issues often persist and continue to harm us and others.

Sometimes even counseling wouldn't help immediately, which leads me to another observation. When we knowingly and willingly sin, going directly against the Word of God, it is much, much more difficult to overcome that sin than otherwise. Any rebellion against God bespeaks pride which is a barrier to change. Perhaps the biggest barrier to change.

We all need help in seeing what those issues are. If we are not willing to look down at our feet, we will continue to walk around in concrete shoes, wondering why it is so hard to move forward.

One of the reasons why pornography is such a serious problem is because, through persistent use, it makes it difficult for some men to form lasting, intimate relationships. And isn't that the bedrock purpose of the gospel, to love one another? Isn't the family anchored by a strong, committed couple the very best place for a testimony to grow? This must be one reason why our adversary would like this problem to be so widespread: it is a contaminant to marriage, family and strong relationships.

I can see why our modern prophets warn against it time and time again. It is a preoccupying counterfeit that separates couples and families, that isolates people, that ruins relationships.

Of all the things that helped the most, it was a tender, compassionate, understanding wife that seems to have the greatest positive effect on a man. That kind of support makes all the difference in the life of a man, just like being cherished and adored makes all the difference in the life of a woman.

The crisis that arises when pornography use is discovered more often than not brings a couple closer together, probably because it forces them to communicate on a deeper level and dig down to the foundation of their relationship. God can turn any trial into a blessing, if we will allow Him to do so.

If you are struggling with an addiction to pornography, or are close to someone who is, I encourage you to get help. Reach out to your bishop or minister for spiritual guidance. Seek counseling or some other form of therapy that you feel will help you. Right now you can visit the website Combating Pornography where you will find much useful information. Also, get involved in the Church's Addiction Recovery Program which is excellent.

I know pornography is a pervasive problem, but it can be overcome. It can be completely overcome, if you seek the Lord's help, and the help of others who love and care about you, with all your heart.

Once, early in His ministry, the Savior read from the book of Isaiah in a synagogue in Nazareth. These are the words He read:

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord. (Luke 4:18,19.)

He is ready to heal our broken hearts, to deliver us from captivity, and to set us at liberty, but we must seek it with all our hearts. Anything less than complete commitment will not be enough to purchase for ourselves this liberty and the eternal relationships that are possible only through the atonement.

P.S. I have written one more post in this series. I invite you to read it.

Reasons Why Your Husband or Son Use Pornography

2010-12-04T06:18:00.009-07:00

I am not an expert on the reasons why men and boys use pornography, but, while I was a bishop, I gained much insight while counseling with many who struggled with it. After five years of working with this issue on a regular basis—and, blessedly, seeing the vast majority gain control over it—I have seen some patterns emerge.

I know women use pornography as well, perhaps more commonly in written form, such as romance novels, rather than graphic, visual images, but while I was a bishop, no women came forward seeking help with this problem. This does not mean that the problem did not exist in our ward; it only means I have had no experience in counseling women in this area. So my observations today are limited to men, young and old.

I want to make one thing very clear at the outset. If you are a wife or mother of a man or boy who uses or has used pornography, I believe, under no circumstances, is it your fault. You are not responsible for that choice nor are you the cause of that choice.

Yes, you may have some bearing, some influence, for good or ill, on a husband or son, but you have not and cannot make the decision to view pornography for him. It is his choice, and he is responsible for it. God does not ask us to bear the burdens of another person's choices, though we often suffer the consequences of bad choices or reap the benefits of good choices of those who are closest to us.

Thomas S. Monson recently said:

If we make the wrong choice, we have no one to blame but ourselves. President Brigham Young once expressed this truth by relating it to himself. Said he: "If Brother Brigham shall take a wrong track, and be shut out of the Kingdom of heaven, no person will be to blame but Brother Brigham. I am the only being in heaven, earth, or hell, that can be blamed." He continued: "This will equally apply to every Latter-day Saint. Salvation is an individual operation."

Here are four patterns I saw in men or boys that contribute to the use of pornography. I'll warn you that my language may be a little bold or direct, but this is only for the sake of clarity. We must seek clarity in our communication if we want to be effective in it.

Pattern number one: Very commonly, if a man or boy's masculinity is undermined by an overbearing wife or mother, frustration over this can lead to the use of pornography. If she often shows him disrespect, is constantly negative or critical, or regularly implies that he is incompetent or stupid, or acts as a "helicopter mom" (overly involved in and controlling of his life, to the point of being invasive, as opposed to being supportive and nurturing), this can result in him being more vulnerable to the temptation to use pornography.

I never saw it as a one-sided problem, though. It always takes two to dance this dance. I see it as is evidence of weakness on his side. I don't blame you for feeling frustrated about his weaknesses. All I am saying is the two are connected in some way. But no matter how you are dealing with him, your behavior is not the cause. You are not the cause! It is always rooted in him.

I don't fully understand the psychology behind this kind of emotional strain, but I know it is real. For married men, pornography use under these circumstances has little to do with them having a normal or fulfilling sex life. Most of them do, in spite of the pornography (though pornography can affect their sexual performance). But they may use pornography to subtly express their anger and frustration over not being able to fulfill their natural sense of adventure, or as a result of how they perceive that they are viewed by the most important female in their life. It is complex, but, in my experience, this shows up again and again and again.

Now the man or boy of course has a responsibility to be bold (but not overbearing), to be self-confident (but not arrogant), and to stand on his own two feet, and to express his masculinity, but sometimes does not know how because he has not had proper role models or has been oppressed by an overpowering mother, usually one with impossible expectations.

Many women are very attracted to masculinity. They like it when a confident man steps in to take control of a situation that has gotten out of control, or when he steps forward to provide for, protect, defend or fight for her honor, even when it means defending her against her own children! Masculinity, when it is not taken to the aggressive or animal level, provides a sense of security for many women.

Some women take on masculine roles themselves, especially when they have had unreliable or untrustworthy male role models when they were young, but few of them really want to or like to. I know there are always exceptions to observations like these, but generally, you will find that the desire for a nobly masculine man in a woman's life is very common and very strong.

When those masculine qualities are missing or weak, when a man does not know how to be truly masculine, and his wife is constantly negative or deprecating about it, both lose out. When the masculinity she seeks is missing, and she gets down on him for it, this approach almost always backfires.

Sometimes when a boy or man is learning how to be masculine, he needs to be taught how. He needs support or help. He needs room to practice. He needs training, to be shown good role models. He needs patience and tutoring. An oppressed man is an unhappy man, and if he does not show his frustration over his oppression through pornography, he will often take up some other addiction to gain an illusion of power or control in his life. It is strange but true.

A second cause, closely tied to the first, is low self-esteem. If a boy or man has low self-worth, he can be tempted a little more readily than his more confident counterparts. Low self-confidence leads to a "who-cares-because-I'm-no-good attitude." If he lives in an environment where he cannot develop or express his talents, where he is not respected or trusted, where someone isn't there to believe in him or to root him on, feelings of low self-worth can occur and open the door to temptation.

A third reason is a combination of boredom and curiosity. This is a more common problem for boys than men. When boys are left to their own devices, spend long hours at home alone, with free access to the Internet, don't have a channel for their adventurous side, and whose parents are too nervous or shy to discuss sex openly and appropriately with them, curiosity can get the best of them.

Many boys and men are like emotional fire hoses. If they don't have a way to channel those emotions, those feelings can be destructive of their well-being. If properly channeled, those emotions can be protective and life-giving. Boys need help in this area. They need to be understood, have high (but not overwhelming) expectations, of themselves and by others, and they need outlets for their curiosity that won't corrupt, hinder or slow their emotional growth.

My final observation is around addiction. A sexual addiction, especially one that started at an early age, can be very difficult to overcome, especially when aspects of it are not fully addressed. It is like playing Whack-a-Mole at Chuck E. Cheese's. When you are dealing with an addiction, you may whack one aspect of it on the noggin, but then another one shows up in an unexpected spot, sometimes months later. You have to keep whacking until you have bonked them all. They are not going to go away by themselves. They need to be flushed or lured out, and then properly dealt with. It takes a thoroughgoing approach. A cursory or short-term approach will not work.

To recap, once again, I am not a professional counselor. I do not understand all the psychology that goes behind pornography use. But as a spiritual counselor, I saw several patterns emerge that have common application. The four most common patterns I saw were:

Undermined masculinity
Low self-esteem
Boredom and curiosity
Addictions not fully addressed

I would love to hear about your experiences and insights. Your comments could help another who is struggling with pornography or someone who loves one who uses it. And if you are a professional therapist, please add to these four patterns with your own observations. You can comment anonymously if you prefer.

As always, thank you for reading, and God bless you.

(I have followed up on this post with another post, which I also encourage you to read.)

Kind Words and Cookies

2010-12-01T15:01:00.002-07:00

A few days ago, a group of Activity Day girls brought over the most delicious no-bake cookies and the most darling notes of appreciation addressed to me, their former bishop. These notes (and the cookies) really made my day. I thought you would enjoy reading the sweet sentiments of these girls, all 10 or 11 years old. (Spelling and diction have been preserved.)

Thank you for being our Bishop. I will miss you.

Thank you Bishop Fitzgerald for being such a nice Bishop! Sincerely...I will miss you much!!!

Dear Bishop Fitzgerald, Thank you for being an awesome Bishop to me. I love you and thank you. Love....

Dear Bishop Fitzgerald, I think that there was no better man than you for that job. P.S. If you sniff the paper. It smells good.

Thank you so much for all your hard work you done. I loved you.

Dear Bishop Fizgerald, Thank you for being a good bishop. From... PS. Smell

Thank you SO much for all you've done! I hope you like not being a bishop. Thanks for your hard work. THANKS!

One of the leaders of these girls also brought me a plaque with a quote from Henry B. Eyring:

You need never be discouraged or afraid. The way through difficulties has always been prepared for you, and you will find it if you exercise faith.

I can't think of a word of counsel more welcome or more needed in my life than that.

So, to our wonderful 10 and 11 year old Activity Day girls and your thoughtful leaders, thank you for thinking of your old bishop who is now riding into the sunset on an unbroken horse.

I needed it!

Free Book of Christmas Readings from the Old and New Testaments

2010-11-30T03:11:00.004-07:00

A few years ago, I put together a book of Christmas readings. It has 31 scriptures from the Old and New Testaments (King James Version), one reading for each day of the month of December. After each reading, there is a question to think about or discuss. It is a resource to help us stay focused on the meaning of the season, and the readings are brief to match our short attention spans.

Many of my friends have a print version of this little book, but I also wanted to offer you the downloadable PDF version (8 1/2" × 11", 35 pages, 197 kb).

To download your copy of the book, click here.

Happy reading and Merry Christmas!

The Last Mountain

2010-11-29T08:29:00.004-07:00

For Bruce Mendenhall

Behind your house stood an
Insistent mountain,
Calling to you day and night,
As quietly as an angel.

You heard its gentle voice,
Shimmering above the valley,
Glistening with the truth of your
Inevitable departure.

But you did not want
To leave just yet
The dear ones who
Stood so near you.

Then came the call, like
Lightening without thunder,
Rolling down the mountainside,
Opening a passage to
The beckoning summit.

Suddenly dispersed of its shroud,
You climbed, prayer on prayer,
Its misty slopes one last time.

—Michael Fitzgerald

Thanksgiving, 2010

Released Bishop's Recovery

2010-11-27T08:21:00.006-07:00

After being released last Sunday, I am starting to get my feet under me again. It has fortunately been a relaxing few days, with travel at the beginning of the week, and then Thanksgiving on Thursday. I have had plenty of time to think.

One of the things I have noticed is that my email volume has dropped by about two-thirds. For the first time in years, spam and sales emails are now more common than emails related to my calling.

I would often get 5 to 8 emails per day about Church business, one or more envelopes from the Church during the week—plus a number of little gray envelopes—and several phone calls a day. Now my inbox, my voicemail box, and the mail box have all, well—play the audio clip below and you'll get the idea.

So my life's pace has changed drastically. That's not all bad, though. For example, I had stopped reading Victor Hugo's Les Misérables a few years ago, at page 428. I've picked up that novel again and started reading, something I couldn't think of doing a week ago because there was just too much on my mind.

Earlier in the week, I told my wife that being released as a bishop is like taking your family and friends to the airport and sending them off on a great adventure, waving goodbye to them while they make their way through security because you can't go with them.

It's hard to stay behind, but really, with each passing day, I'm more and more okay with it.

When a new bishopric is put in in place, a ward is revitalized. People are revitalized. That is more important than I have realized. It is a great blessing to all of us. I am so excited for our new bishopric. They are all so well prepared and they are going to do a wonderful job.

The truth is, a great peace has settled over me. I still feel deep love and concern for the members of our ward. I still think about them all day. There are still things I can do to reach out to them and support them, but in different ways and for different reasons than before.

The most surprising thing to me is that, though I felt a little empty last Sunday, the Lord's Spirit is still present with me. I feel His comfort and counsel every hour of the day. I don't feel lost like I thought I would be. I was wrong about that.

I have found my way. The path is a lot clearer than I thought it would be. It is the right one for me, for this time and season, and I am grateful to know that. I am in fact feeling pretty good, as you can see from the following video.